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_duck
Casual Contributor

Lost

I wrote this last night but didn't know how to add it, I just figured it out. How do I stop feeling so awful? I feel so guilty, so unsure, lost, useless. I just want to feel happiness again. Another argument tonight (couldn't even make it a week this time). It started because my daughter dropped some food on herself at dinner. He got way over angry & I called him out on it. (Never ever violent). I also said we all feel uncomfortable now. Which we ALL do when this happens. He went outside. The kids and I finished dinner happy. The odd, don't do this don't do that....as you get with kids. Later I asked him if he was annoyed/upset at me & he said yes, you're a hypocrite because you got upset at the kids as well (no yelling). I tried explaining there is a big difference between being told off & being super angry but he just kept saying I'm doing the exact same thing. This made me angry & I in turn starting yelling at him, said you don't get to throw this back on me like always. It's not the same thing....then because I'm now yelling that's the main focus. 
I'm also feeling completely useless & not a good mum because I can't work. I need an operation. It was meant to be in September but now because of COVID I have no idea when it will be & the hospital can't tell me anything. I'm in constant pain daily. My meds gave me a stomach ulcer so had to stop them. I can't take stronger pain killers because what I have already makes me feel sick. 
I absolutely love this man to death. He is my world but he's breaking my world. I'm not the person I used to be & I blame him. 
i don't know if I'm depressed, I definitely suffer anxiety now. I never used to. I walk on egg shells in my home because I don't know what reaction I'm gonna get. Somethings I don't even want to mention because I already know the reaction. Am I or the kids going to get yelled at because a plate dropped, something spilt and so on. 
He 100% has depression. He always has. He's had suicidal tendencies in the past. I'm terrified one day he'll follow through. 
He told me tonight that I never ask him if he's ok & that it's always about my feelings. I constantly ask if he's ok and if he's not he says he is (even though I know he's not, because I get the cold shoulder like I did something wrong). 
I'm sitting here wondering what I did wrong, how did this all happen. Why do I keep having this happen? I'm not even sure the reason for the post or if it makes any sense.

I just want us to be happy again. I don't want to feel pain anymore.

This morning is has made an appointment with a psychologist. It's 2 weeks away. It's very awkward in our house hold.

1 REPLY 1
Jupiter
Community Manager

Re: Lost

Hey @_duck welcome to the forums! Its great to have you here and I hope you find the forums a supportive and helpful place to be Smiley Happy

 

I can hear that there's been some tension for you at home recently which sounds like its brought up some difficult feelings for both of you. You are also managing some physical health issues that I imagine are adding to your concerns. 

 

Its so difficult when we hold concern for the safety of a loved one. I encourage you to reach out and talk about this with someone so that you are not sitting with this on your own. It sounds like you've been proactive in reaching out for support through a psychologist. In the meantime, if you or your partner need some additional support, the following helplines are available 24/7:

 

Suicide Call Back Service: 1300 659 467

1800RESPECT: 1800 737 732

Mensline: 1300 78 9978

Lifeline: 13 11 14

SANE Help Centre: 1800 18 7263

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