Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Determined]

Had a first meeting with a new counsellor today. (Via phone unfortunatly).

I am confident that this lady seems a good fit. Easy to talk to and enquiring what my goals are rather than jumpimg into the pre recorded mindfulness message. 

Added bonus (feel kind of bad calling it that) is that counsellor has close family contact with BPD so a greater emotional understanding from a loved ones point if view.  

Kind of looking forward to rather than dreading the next meeting now. Have a general direction plotted and I for the first time have an opportunity to write down some  key points that I want to address for some clearer direction. 

Almost every attempt at counselling so far for me has been during a time of crisis with darling so all focus has been on how I can support family and others rather than dealing with legacy issues for myself. (Out of necessity based on conditions at that time).    Different approach this time. And some one who is happy with that different approach. 

And that is not ment to take away at all from the work of previous counsellors. Each experience has been valued at the time. 

[Shaz51]

Hello @Determined 

that is good news about the counsellor today , it does really makes a differnce when someone understands 

ohhh keep on keeping on my friend 

@Former-Member, @Smc , @Faith-and-Hope , @FindingStrength 

[Determined]

Darling had a pdoc appointment today. First one on over 6 months. And I might add only because I told the GP it would be a good idea.  

It actually went well and doc first time ever asked for my thoughts. It was a phone consult and he asked darling if she minded putting it on speaker so he could talk to me. 

[Determined]

Things are tense here today.

Darling had a major meltdown last night involving, for the first time in a while, physical violence towards me.

I am.kind of over it all and running on empty.

Hoping it will change in time but right now my role is in providing practical support so darling and the children are safe. Outside of that. I have to protect myself emotionally. 

Kind of made things worse last night when I walked away when the screaming started but I am juat not prepared to put up with that any more. 

[Former-Member]

@Determined 

Can you call or chat online to1800RESPECT? Important to get help for you and the kids. 

https://www.1800respect.org.au/?gclid=Cj0KCQjwyur0BRDcARIsAEt86ICVqP34Ha_DWgMTY_PKjp7mY7N0yNBjgxrsoa...

[Smc]

@Determined, I've got a funny feeling that walking away might have been the right "long view" thing to do, but can see that it would have made things worse in the short term. It's like when a child has a tantrum, but on a bigger scale. If you reward the bad behaviour by giving it attention, it compounds the problem, but that can end up with the behaviour escalating further to try to get the attention "hit". The hard bit is that the best follow up is later on- giving appropriate attention so that the "reward" is linked in to the right behaviour. Aaand I know with BPD sometimes even appropriate attention can be turned into a chance to hit out.

I hope this doesn't sound like I'm being condescending. BPD reactions sometimes are really child like. The emotional regulation that is normal in an adult is badly tossed around by the disorder. And because it's all so hinged on unregulated emotional responses, there's also a lack of self awareness of what's going on. It all gets lost in this huge wave of feelings, things like fear, abandonment, rage.

[Determined]

Not at all condescending @Smc 

I have often likend darlings BPD behaviour to that of a child.  I need to go back to a more black and white  versioning our boundaries that were established during our crisis.  Revisiting later on to debrief is never an option as it always results in a bigger tantruim and even in the past self harm.

Darling wants to go on feeling safe in the belief that I am the a...hole. 

[Determined]

@Former-Member I thought about contacting 1800 respect but I do have a counselling app this week will discuss some options then.

But that really annoys me.

Once again when I am taking opportunity *to look after myself and get myself more emotionally healthy* darling goes into meltdown so again it is all about her.

If ever there is any risk of me becoming content in life she has to sabotage it.

Consciously or subconsciously? I don't know. But it is almost like because she is miserable then I have to be miserable or worse with her. 

One would think that after 20 years of testing the fear of rejection may have abaited  . 

[Former-Member]

@Determined  Hoping you can get some good strategies to help.

[Smc]

😞
I wasn't so much thinking revisiting, more along the lines of, when she's in a more positive state, being supportive and encouraging of that state of mind. I know from what I've seen, while there may be particular issues that seem to be central to the meltdown, it's actually the feelings associated with the issues that are the catalyst. The issues themselves are secondary, and more act as something to pin the emotions to. Feeling a strong emotion without being able to pinpoint an incident that has triggered the emotion is scary... so the "obvious" (unconscious) solution is to find a scapegoat incident (or person 😞 ) to carry the blame for the emotion.