Lived Experience Forum

[Neve]

• Hi all!

I really have no idea where to start...

I have a history of complex trauma (ongoing emotional, sexual and violent abuse throughout childhood). I also have a history of depression and anxiety. 

For the most part I have been extremely high functioning up until about two years ago when I unexpectedly found myself back in the town where the majority of my abuse occured. Slowly my mental state has deteriorated and I've been experiencing increased anxiety, panic attacks, dissociation (including episodes of depersonalisation and amnesia), high strung, flashbacks, intense nightmares, teeth grinding (leading to chips and cracks), inability to absorb or retain new information, loss of skill etc.

After about a year I started to see the signs of what was happening and started seeing a psychologist who has been a tremendous help. I also reached out to my GP and I started some medication which has also helped. Despite these things helping I've continually noticed a deterioration in my mental state. My GP referred me to a psychiatrist for a diagnosis and an opinion regarding a treatment plan. I have now seen two seperate psychiatrists and both have been dismissive and wishy washy at best regarding diagnosis and plan has been to just keep doing exactly what I've been doing.... I've reached out to many other psychiatrists however anyone that I've been able to get through to is either not taking new patients or doesn't feel as though they have adequate experience with dissociative disorders to assist further.

I am trying to be as proactive as I can while I can but I just feel as though I've been advocating so hard for myself that I simply have nothing left to give anymore and I can slowly feel everything slipping through my fingers. I don't feel as though I'm quite at the point where I need to be admitted but perhaps an inpatient program is my only choice. 

Does anyone have any other ideas of other types of help/pathways I could try first?

[David_888]

@Neve 

Just like there are forces which enact against our body. There are electrical forces, both manmade and natural [magnetic pole variances, and frequencies] which go against our head.

After going through trauma, people expect to go 'back' to not having anything against their head.

But there has always been things going against our head. So it isn't possible that there is a 'zero point', which is what they are looking for.

[NatureLover]

Hi and welcome, @Neve , it's good you've joined 🙂

I'm sorry to hear about your complex trauma 😞

I am disappointed for you that some psychiatrists have refused to take you on due to not having adequate experience with dissociative disorders. Psychology is their field of practice, so presumably they have the resources to do research and know where to look for information about it. 

I'm not sure where else to look 😞 but am glad at least that you have a good psychologist. 

A handy forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.
 
I hope you find the forums supportive...

[Little_Leopard]

Hi there @Neve.

Don’t worry you want alone with this. I think most people have gone through the same struggles as you. Unfortunately it takes a bit of searching before you you find yourself in the right place..

There are many practitioners who can help you. The services you can access  will depend on what area and state you are from. 

what state do you live in?

[Neve]

Hi,

I live in a remote area. One of the psychiatrists that I've seen is through the public system they offered very little direction and weren't able to provide a diagnosis due to not having enough experience. I have also seen a psychiatrist via telepsychiatry and that just did not go well. Even trying to organise the appointment was painful and distressing. We only have two private psychiatrists and neither are taking on complex matters at the moment. I have also reached out to at least ten if not more psychiatrists around the country and have received a lot of "sorry they aren't accepting new patients" "sorry they aren't taking telehealth appointments atm" "sorry their booked out for months and aren't waitlisting anymore clients at this time" "sorry they don't feel as though they have the necessary experience to assist you further." I have a lot of issues with rejection and it takes me days to even work up the courage to call or reach out to these places and then the rejection just causes this massive crash within me and I just feel so damaged afterwards I find myself wondering what the point is. 

I tried to reach out to Beyond Blue but as soon as they heard the word trauma they ended the telephone call. 

I reached out to Blueknot and was given a list of psychiatrists who may be able to assist and none are able to. 

I've reached out to a local mental health line and kept being told that someone would call me back and no one did. Even though they are a 24 hour service after I'd waited all day for a return phone call I called at 7pm and was told "sorry you need to call between 9am and 3pm"..... I had a complete melt down and panic attack. 

I'm really struggling and I'm trying so hard to ask for help and to advocate for myself. I'm trying to build and improve my coping skills. I'm trying to journal and meditate and work on my breathing exercises and learn about my triggers and how to broaden my window of tolerance but im not simply not improving or coping. 

I just have no idea where to go from here. Mentally I don't have the strength to keep reaching out only to be met with rejection over and over again.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Neve,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you with us.

I am sorry to read the challenges you are going through around trying to find some mental health support. I understand what you are saying a little as a close family member has a serious mental health issue and their longstanding psychiatrist has recently retired. My family member has spent a lot of time making calls and trying to find a new psychiatrist with little luck yet either. It seems sad to me in a time when there is a lot more awareness around the needs of people and mental health that there aren't more resources available, particularly for people with more specialised concerns. I'm sorry this is happening to you.

It would feel disheartening and I can understand why this may exacerbate your feelings around rejection. I guess your current experience may also be an indication around how many people need/are seeking help. I can tell by what you have said that you are trying your very best to get the help you need. It must also be challenging when you live in a remote area. 

I don't know if you know any of these sites but I will add them as they may (hopefully) be helpful:

- Mental Health Direct 

- Find a psychiatrist 

- SANE's drop in services 

- SANE's guided service 

The SANE drop in service can be contacted via email, phone and forums (as you have done). The phone service is available Monday to Friday from 10am to 10pm. The SANE guided service is a free digital and telehealth services with ongoing tailored support for people over 18 years of age with complex mental health needs and their families and carers. You can refer yourself which makes it easier too. The services at SANE are free.

I hope this helps a bit. Please also keep posting on the Forums as we are here 24/7 and we are always happy to support you.

Best wishes,

FloatingFeather

[NatureLover]

Oh @Neve , I really feel for you...you're doing all the right things and are busting your gut and getting distressed, with no luck yet...

Am sending wishes that you will have some luck very soon... 🤞

[Upndownnupndown]

Reading your post about your efforts to try and secure some appropriate, specifically tailored therapy for what could very well be a trauma-related diagnosis by the sounds of it, let alone the systemic failure to provide such a diagnosis, is nothing short of gut-wrenching for you no doubt. It is also gut-wrenching for others who have experienced the same lack of both accurate diagnostic analysis over the years, let alone therapeutic malnutrition in a day and age when the specialists are now more aware then ever before, of just how much the trauma in our lives, specifically during our formative years, can be so damaging/debilitating.

Although I don't profess to have the answer to your challenges or pain currently, know that I can completely empathise with you feeling unheard, rejected and despondent.

I know that what I'm about to say isn't going to win me any friends, but I feel that it needs to be said. I believe that there are forces at play that wish for those of us who are too damaged to work, yet not yet diagnosed sufficiently to be able to have a decent chance of securing a Disability Support Pension, they would much prefer to see us dead then get the assistance, first and foremost the financial assistance that such a person should be able to receive in a country that has the facility to provide such assistance to someone who qualifies for it.

To offer the facility, yet deny a person the opportunity to get an accurate diagnosis and therefore have a decent chance of acquiring said assistance, is nothing more than a token gesture tantamount to "thoughts and prayers" and carrot dangling, whilst watching said person drown.

I hope that you can get access to a fair and accurate diagnosis by a public health system Psychiatrist. If it means you having to present to the nearest emergency ward in an utter emotionally dysregulated state and blurting out the worst of your trauma to a Psychiatrist who gives you your presentation interview ( make sure that it is in fact a Psychatirst), and then threatening legal action if the worst of your trauma isn't documented in the notes, or that any attempt is made to water down your diagnosis (for the purposes of making a successful application for the DSP unlikely), that you'll be forced to seek advocacy services and to consider your options regarding taking legal action.

I hope that you find this reply useful. It's what finally worked for me.

[Cara_in_Yellow]

@Neve 

I’m so proud of you for all the effort you have put in so far and from what you’ve said it makes a lot of sense that you feel so utterly discouraged. 

I’d definitely recommend the SANE guided support services mentioned by Floating Feather and also getting back in touch with BlueKnot to tell them how you’ve tried reaching out and ask them for possible next steps. I’ve found them very empathetic when I’ve been exhausted by all the things I’ve tried that haven’t worked. Are you able to contact a psychologist with experience in EMDR? It’s really helped me and most psychs don’t train in it unless they specialise in trauma which I find helpful in distinguishing between psychs who say they know about trauma and those who actually do (to an extent anyway though I’m sure there are trauma-informed psychs who don’t have EMDR training). I don’t want to invalidate your awful experience with Telehealth but I hope that in the future it proves more helpful and lets you connect with someone who has the skills to give you the help you deserve. 

Also, this may or may not be helpful but looking up “safety and stabilisation phase trauma tools” might give you some things to help you cope with what you’re experiencing right now. BlueKnot are also able to help with those skills/tools via phone counselling I believe. However, I can hear that you’re already trying a lot of them and really feel the need for more support. 

Sending you all the best wishes for finding the support you need and please @ me in future messages if you want me to see something.