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At a loss

Well today I am writing to all of you amazing carers doing it tough and I'm hoping to hear back about my crazy (for want of a better word) life. 

I am a single mum of 2. My oldest daughter who is 17 was diagnosed with bi-polar, PTSD, ADHD, borderline personality disorder and has a drug addiction.  She has engaged in high risk behaviour and has had explosive outbursts that has included self harm and domestic violence attacks on me and her younger sister. 

I decided after the marriage ended 6 years ago to move interstate to gain support from family. Decision- making is tough when balancing the needs of my healthy younger daughter, my dysfunctional and unwell older daughter, a full time job, and the never ending highs and lows that come with managing mental illness.  Medication for my daughter comes and goes and I can't even tell u if it has really worked. She too has come and gone, tried living with friends, boyfriends and returned home a week ago despite my promises to my other daughter and family that I would not allow her back into my home.  Started strong as always and I was naively optimistic. She had a job. She was happy. Let's face it she had been living away for 2 months so I thought things had improved. 

Today she had a massive outburst, anxiety explosion and quit her job.  My response was frustration. Complete. She is uneducated having quit school at year 9, unemployed and now intends to apply for the DSP. Why can't I just accept that. Why do I feel so angry at the world and at her because she can't work and be like other normal teens?. When I look back at 17 years of destruction, I realise nothing was able to be done.  Then I gaze into the next 17 years and don't even want to be here. How can I ever be free and happy? How can my other daughter be free and happy? When she first came back this week I had th experience of what it must be like having a normal family. It was so lovely. It's gone again and I am devastated that I am only able to have small glimpses of normality. 

Please please don't be cranky at my post - I know I seem harsh . I'm just so sad.

19 REPLIES

Re: At a loss

hello @DrKay and welcome to the forum

thank you for sharing your story , letting you know you are not alone my friend

I have  taged  some carers if that is ok , we have lots of carers here , @greenpea, @Darcy, @Determined, @Faith-and-Hope

 

Re: At a loss

Thank you 

its so damn hard hey.

i so appreciate your kindness 

Re: At a loss

it is hard at times @DrKay

I am wondering has your daughter have any health team helping her and helping you

Just asking as my husband has inherited depression , MMD, Bipolar 11 and he has cancelled all help

I have 4 step children who are young adults now all with different degress of inherited depression and anxiety and 2 of them have ADHHD

also looking after my elderly mum who is 87

If you like I will tag you to our carers hints and tips too

Re: At a loss

Hi there 

Thank u for your reply. Yes she does - recently re-engaged with her counsellor and due to see her Psychiatrist this week.

She has agreed (or so she tells me) to going to Drug and Alcohol Counselling so if that happens maybe it will help.  I see my counsellor regularly!

there have been many times in the past that she has refused to engage. It is devastating. I understand your sense of hopelessness when they don't engage. I read a quote along these lines.... I may be broken but as far as I know, broken crayons still colour the same. 

Sometimes I think of when I was little and was surrounded by broken crayons when drawing some Monet - and it's true ... the colours were just as rich as if they were straight out of the packet. 

Thank you 

 

Re: At a loss

Hi @DrKay and welcome to the forums.  You sound like a wonderful mum who is at the end of her tether .....

First of all, there are many people here challenged with the personal walk with the disorders you have mentioned in regard to your daughter, primarily on the lived experience side of the forums, but some happen to be carer’s themselves.  Even if we are not the ones “housing” these mental health issues, in walking along with those we love as they battle the condition/s, we realise that the issues belong to us as well ..... they are in our relationships, our hearts, and often our homes as well.

I also want to tell you that these forums friends attend various programs, such as CBT and DBT, and counselling with psychologists and psychiatrists ..... and the reason they do that, the reasons these programs and supports exist is because they build coping skills, and along with coping skills come the lessening of self-destructive behaviours.

Your 17 year old is also of an age when their hormones begin to converge in wild cocktails, so is exacerbated the problem, and addictions are reached for as coping and numbing devices.  Having raised 5 “baby dragons” I can tell you that it does change progressively.  The next 17 years will see her adult brain engage, presumably the inclusion in various behaviour-modifying courses, and a moving beyond the fear of the unknown that comes along when we are transitioning from childhood to adulthood ..... all the uncertainty, fear of abandonment, fear of failure, of not being good enough ..... operative word here - fear.  

Try, if you can at this stage, to take one day at a time ..... stay in the day you are in, and encourage your daughters to do the same.  I have found it really helps.

I hear your mother’s heart .... I hear you .....

💐💕

Re: At a loss

Thank you so much. Your words r so generous . I am so grateful - truly to hear words of hope right now. Live in the day. Thank you 

Re: At a loss

Hugs @DrKay ..... you're not alone .....

Re: At a loss

🙏

Re: At a loss

I was re-reading your message of hope. Thank you 

ive realised that living in the day is the secret to surviving another day (ironic really).

i am allocating small jobs around the home for her that give her purpose. Seems to be working Thank u!!!!

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