Lived Experience Forum

[Jlol]

I'm a male in my late thirties and I live with my partner. I'm scared of her. 

She never does anything physical, but she is incredibly quick to anger and she constantly criticises me and makes me feel awful about myself. She will aggressively argue a point until she is yelling and me and calling me names, no matter how insignificant the initial issue is.

Because of this I feel very trapped in what I can do. If I spend time working on hobbies I'm 'ignoring' her. If she mentions this I must immediately drop what I am doing or risk a huge fight. Same goes with seeing friends, or even cleaning or eating. If I'm doing it the wrong way or doing something she doesn't like (no matter how small) then there's potential for a huge argument in which she makes me feel like the worst person in the planet.

On the times I have stuck to my guns and stood up for myself it's just made things worse. The argument will snowball and she's even thrown things at me and stormed off into the night. Again, none of these arguments are about anything important - she just wants things to be done her way and her way only.

So, now days I don't stick up for myself - it's too much effort and energy. I just apologise and do what she says. I feel like shit because of that. I feel so low and worthless. Theres been times I've been reduced to sobbing in the corner because I just want the arguments and attacks to stop.

It's scary because I don't know what will set her off. Yesterday she said she was going grocery shopping, but returned a few minutes later. She was furious that the shops were too busy and that I "had made" her go (I didn't say anything like that).

It's just so scary not knowing what mood she will be in when shes at the door. I and feel ashamed I have let myself get into a state where almost all my actions and activities are dictated by her mood - everything I do feels like it must be filtered through a "how we she react?" filter.

I've tried talking to her about my feelings many times, but again it just creates a massive argument and I feel completely overwhelmed and outgunned. 

It sounds stupid but I'm so freaking scared of her - or rather of how she makes me feel if she wants to.

I don't know - just wanted to get this out.

[hanami]

It's quite heartbreaking to read your post @Jlol . I feel sad for you but it has reminded me of someone I know and the situation they are in. This person has gone OS to work for 6 months to get away from his GF. I'm hoping upon hope that they have broken up during this time.  It's emotional abuse to me. Do you feel that way about your situation? What does it feel like if you think about leaving her? 

Sending warmest wishes

Hanami

[Jlol]

Hi Hanami,

I do feel this way about the situation. I have been told that by a couple of therapists.

What does it feel like if you think about leaving her? 

Fear. Total fear. Fear of where I would live. Fear of who would emotionally support me. Fear of how I would be able to work at the sametime as this. Fear of my own mental health deteriorating at this time. Fear of her reaction.

Above all I just don't feel supported to do this.

[hanami]

Yep, I hear you. The person I know feels the same. They adore their GF and really love her. It's like they are just hoping for them to change. I feel that their GF does have mental health issues and I hope that they will seek treatment. Otherwise I can't see them changing. I imagine you can relate to that. It must be so so hard for you. I have no answers but wish I did. I guess the only solution is that you work really hard on gaining supports so you feel you could leave? That puts it back on you, which doesn't feel nice. I wish I had an answer for you 😞 

[ClockFace]

@Jlol 

I feel for your situation. I have a friend who was in a similar situation and eventually they married. He has now gone through a messy divorce involving 2 kids which his ex-wife feeds them very negative information about his new girlfriend. 

Its emotional abuse, if she is throwing stuff it might be more than that. 

I get your reasons for being scared to leave, its similar to what you have as kids well at least I did. But for you to grow and mature as a person not to mention be free I think you owe it to yourself to leave. If your scared of the person your supposed to love that relationship is toxic.

There are few services around to support men in this situation but you could see if you could get a restraining order which would help you a bit.

Work out a plan, get a place and then get your mates together on a day you know she wont be home. Grab your shit and bolt.

[SmilingGecko]

@Jlol I'm sorry to hear about your situation. You sound like you are blocked emotionally and are in need of some courage because you are fearing change.  

Your girlfriend is violent and I feel based on what you have said you are in potential danger.  You need to get the supports in place from family, friends and counsellors and when you feel up to it just move out.

Focus on what you can control and find a safe space to stay while taking care of your mental health.

Don't fear change. Just focus on small steps day by day to release yourself from this destructive situation. You may have a fear of abandonment ie separation anxiety but that can be worked through with counselling.

You need a strong support network in place to guide you through the process.

Where are your friends and family in this situation?

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Jlol,

It's sounds like the situation with your girlfriend would be pretty intense. I used to live with someone (not my partner) that was incredibly moody. Some days they were good and the house would be calm and other days they would be angry for whatever reason and the house would be in turmoil. They had the ability to determine the mood of the house which seemed like an awful lot of power for a person to have.

I really feel for you and I feel that you may have lost yourself along the way. Having someone in your life that is domineering can be a really hard thing to navigate. I guess it comes down to what you want for yourself. If you want to stay with your girlfriend or not? 

I'm wondering what it is about your girlfriend that drew you to her in the first place? What are the things about your girlfriend you still like about her?  What are you getting from the relationship that are positive for you?

It sounds like you have lost your way in this relationship. I really believe no one knows what goes on behind close doors and it's not for others to judge another person's relationship but I also think a healthy relationship is between two people that have mutual respect for one another with the ability to be listened to and supported in a respectful way.

Do you have someone that you can talk to around how you are feeling? Maybe a GP, counsellor, psychologist etc? Sometimes when we are `in it' it can be hard to see things with total clarity. It sounds like you could also do with friend to support you who isn't connected to you or your girlfriend (i.e. an independent person) because I often find if you talk to family or friends that know you / your partner they can come from an emotionally involved perspective. 

The SANE Support Centre might be a good option for you if you want to talk to someone. It is available to support anyone from 10am-10pm Monday to Friday. We have counsellors and peer support workers available to support you via phone (1800 187 263) or webchat.

In addition, the SANE Guided services is another option. It is our new guided service that provides free digital and telehealth services and ongoing tailored support to people over 18 years of age with complex mental health needs and their families and carers SANE Guided Service. 

I wish you all the best - keep reaching out for support if you need to. That's what we are here for.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[Jlol]

Thanks @SmilingGecko 

Where are your friends and family in this situation?

Well I don't really have any friends. I'm at that age where the people I grew up with have either moved away, drifted apart or have kids and families (or most likely all 3). Doesn't help that I'm an introvert who always struggled socially. It is what it is.

[Jlol]

Thanks @FloatingFeather ,

I'm wondering what it is about your girlfriend that drew you to her in the first place? 

I think it was her ambition and intelligence. The previous relationship I had had was with someone who could not/would not support themselves so dating someone who was "mature" and seemed to have their life together was really appealing.

What are the things about your girlfriend you still like about her? 

I still like her intellect and drive. She can be very sweet sometimes too. 

What are you getting from the relationship that are positive for you?

To be honest with you, not much anymore. I would say there would be some degree of financial stability and some affection. And companionship in some form, though I don't know if its worth it anymore.

Do you have someone that you can talk to around how you are feeling? Maybe a GP, counsellor, psychologist etc? 

Yes I have seen 2 psychologists about this issue now. They tell me what I already know - that this is emotional abuse and that I should get out. But thats it. I think theres a gap in psychology where there isn't really a way to support people (particularly men, dare I say) getting out of a toxic relationship. I haven't found what they've said to be very useful.

[SmilingGecko]

Yes it can happen @Jlol people just drift away. I wondered about you joining a men's mutual support group? You may meet some nice people or go to a GROW group in your area which is a support group for mental illness. I know it sounds daunting starting over and its hard putting yourself out there again as we get older, but it may be a step in the right direction. I have been to GROW and they were nice folks, same with other groups we used to facilitate ourselves. Meetup which is an online site also has mental health groups. I sense you need backing but its too difficult for you to get out to meet folk because of your introversion. I have also seen groups for introverts on the Meetup so its less confronting for people. I think you just need to be in a group that is a safe space for you to be yourself ❤️