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Nyx
Casual Contributor

Ranting about family issues

Content warning, mentions of past suicidal ideations. 

 

Ever since I was a kid, I thought I wouldn't live that long. Even at 12, I was pretty sure I wasn't going to make it past high school, and I certainly wouldn't reach 18. I don't know why I always assumed that. I never thought it was worth planning for a future when I clearly didn't have one. I wasn't likely to take any active steps to cause my death, but I wouldn't have tried to avoid death either. I was holding on for other people, so they didn't get hurt. I'd be weighing up the pros and cons of being alive, and the scales definitely fell on the 'con' end. I didn't really have anything that I wanted to live for. 

 

Last year, I realised I was transgender, and a lot of that changed. I couldn't imagine living the rest of my life in a female body, with everything feeling wrong and uncomfortable. But for some reason or another, I realised I wanted to keep going. Even if it sucked the entire way, I wanted to transition, move into my specialist field, and have a life past my teens. 

 

I came out to my parents, who weren't accepting of it. They knew in the past I had struggled with severe depression, and suicidal ideations. The idea of actually being myself, and living a life of my choosing gave me a will to live. I thought they'd be stoked. Nope, they spent the entire year, every time I brought it up, convincing me it was a terrible idea, and I was crazy. I tried to talk to them, go to therapy with a mediator, tried telling them the facts, all my feelings about it, letting them open up, nothing worked. 

 

They kept saying I was nuts in a variety of ways, but never told me why they didn't believe me. I only asked them to use my name and pronouns. For a year. Several times, calmly, in tears, logically, begging them for the same respect they'd give to a dog. Now that I'm out of there, I hate them. I can't believe I let them walk over me, and convince me I was crazy for an entire hellish year. 

 

I don't normally get angry, but this is the biggest betrayal of trust I've ever had. I thought it would be an easy coming out, that they'd be fine. They put me through my personal hell of having to choose between myself, and them. If I didn't have support from other people, I'd still be there under their thumb. And they still say it's my fault everything went south with our relationship, despite them straight up ignoring me when I talked about mental health issues completely unrelated to my gender. Despite them using my little sister in arguments against me, even though I asked to keep her out of it, and never brought her up in my arguments. Despite the fact that my mother said something that still keeps me up at night even a week after moving out. 

 

I hate them. I want them to understand what they put me through. How dare they? They were my family, we were close, now they're trying to convince me it's my fault the relationship broke apart, despite the fact that they promised they'd love me no matter what. They lied. Apparently me standing up for myself, and being myself was the condition to their love. 

 

I had to leave for my own safety, keeping myself safe from myself mostly. I still really miss my little sister, but the only way I can see her is if I see them. I have to stay in contact with them, or I'll never get to see her. and I need to stick around, to show her I haven't abandoned her. It's complicated. 

 

But now that I've moved out, I want to keep going for my own sake. Even if stuff sucks, I want to persevere through it. I'm angry, I'm still sad about my sister, but I feel like I'm alive, and I want to stay that way.

 

Any tips on how to cope after leaving a really toxic or abusive situation? and is this what it feels like to have a will to live?

7 REPLIES 7

Re: Ranting about family issues

Hi @Nyx that year you describe sounds awful. I understand how you feel betrayed by your parents seeming to lack the unconditional love we hope for from those who brought us into existence. 

 

Interesting about thinking you weren't going to live that long. My husband once said to me in the late 80s that he had long thought he would die before he was 30. I told him that didn't need to happen. He is now over 60 (we divorced in the 90s). I myself was kind of amazed to make it to 40 and called it my 'I'm still here' birthday. I'm now 58.

 

Anger can be a source of power. The one and only physical fight I've ever had in my life was with my Mum when I tried to run away from home just before I turned 17. I got away and have never regretted it (abuse situation, though my mum has always loved me unconditionally in her own way). I had been a very very shy child, felt very oppressed all along by Mum's dominance and the big dramas and traumatic stuff with my Dad's violence. Becoming suddenly independent so young gave me such a sense of wide open possibilities. I could be anyone! I still think that fight and escape was me starting adulthood, fighting for myself.

 

Unfortunately my problem has become that my anger has too often spun into destructive mode over the years since, especially if my meds are not working as they are meant to. So anger is something I avoid like the plague now. I can no longer stand myself like that, it shatters my mind.

 

I admire your bravery in being willing to become who you feel yourself to be, even if it sucks hard all the way. I was in a one year relationship with a transgender person and know how hard it can be. By nature, I am bisexual, though celibate now.

 

Back to the parents: I was so angry with my parents at one time in my life that I stopped seeing them at all for seven years. I mourned them during that time. They went through absolute hell over my abandonment of them. A death of a close friend of the family brought us together again. I am endlessly grateful for that as our relationship only improved from there. But at the time I made the break I really needed to, as I felt it was me or them (I was suicidal at the time).

 

Sorry for responding in such length to your post. Some of what you described has just touched a chord in me. Overall, I am proud of you for making a stand for yourself. I hope that at a later time in your life you may find peace with your parents but totally understand your feelings of anger now. Wishing you wonderful things into the future.

Re: Ranting about family issues

@Nyx I'm sorry to see that you've been through this extremely triggering and personally devastating situation with the two people who naturally, are "supposed" to love you unconditionally. But to realise that there are conditions, is utterly heartbreaking. For context, I am a gay woman, who also had some pretty significant negative reactions when I came out around 10 years ago. Although very different circumstances and situation, your post has resonated with me in many ways. I've also worked in transgender health, and have a number of trans friends who've had similar experiences.

 

I too had that same feeling for so so long. Thinking I was not going to live past my 18th birthday. As if to say - "once high school is done, it's the real world now buddy, and you won't make it" but that is a lie we tell ourselves, as the trauma we've already endured, before we even really get some traction going in our life, is somewhat unbearable to process. But somehow I've always found a deep inner strength, that keeps me going, even if it feels like I am dragging myself through barbed wire. Because it's almost an injustice to give up on yourself. As an observation, with some things you've said "I don't get angry often" etc, I imagine you to be someone who just wants to be heard, understood, loved and accepted, as you do (assuming here) for others in your life. 

So advice? Hmm. Imagine you have a "wise self" inside of you. The righteously angry part can be the wise self. Saying - "hey, that's not ok, and I'm going to stand up for you here" or "I am owning my truth because I deserve to live a fulfilling, peaceful and long life". Nurture that wise self who keeps you going one day at a time. Who steps in as the nurturing mother. There is a part of you inside that wants to help you through this trauma. Stepping away from a situation that is causing you significant distress, sounds like a really positive thing to be doing right now. You have discovered a huge DEEPLY personal truth about yourself and who you are. That's not easy inthe first place. But your truth is your truth. It's extremely brave to be who you are, not only under the circumstances you are finding yourself in. Perhaps, maybe one day, your parents can recognise how their actions significantly have impacted on you. But that's something you can't know yet. It doesn't mean you have to completely vacate from your sisters life either. You can take a giant step back, but maybe there is some way, you can manage keeping that connection with her alive, and maybe distancing yourself emotionally when you are physically in your parents presence?

 

when you find yourself in a state of panic or anxiety or overwhelming distressing emotions. Wise self can step in to give you comfort. It can be tough. Sometimes I hug myself so tight and just try and let wise self repeat a sentence to help me out of my state (I have diagnosed cptsd) I sometimes repeat "I'm a good person, I'm a good person" or "you are ok, everything's ok". But that's just me. Anyway long winded post and it's my first post, so I hope I haven't rambled too much or given useless advice. I just find it's helped me a lot recently building up a nurturing self inside of me, to fill in the absence of the parental figures in my life. Take care and I hope you find some relief in your mind. Much love. 

Re: Ranting about family issues

Hi @Leggs welcome to the forum. Smiley Happy

Re: Ranting about family issues

Thanks 😊 I signed up because I am a little on the isolated side. I have found it difficult to leave the house (other than work) and have felt extremely lonely lately. Sometimes reaching out to friends can be difficult. So I decided to join. Get involved a bit in discussions. And stuff. Thanks for the welcome Smiley Happy

Re: Ranting about family issues

Hi @Leggs,

 

You are defintiely in the right place! Smiley Happy  If you need a hand finding you way around, or topics you are interested in talking about, feel free to tag myself or some of our active members. There are lots of discussions, social spaces and opportunities to share you story.

 

Look forward to seeing you around Smiley Happy

Re: Ranting about family issues

@Daisydreamer @Thank you very much. Thought I would start by having a read. And @Nyx post encouraged me to actually write something. I was a bit scared! ☺️ Thanks for being so welcoming, I'm sure in future, I will use this as a place for some support/advice/encouragement. Smiley Happy 

Re: Ranting about family issues

@Daisydreamer @Thank you very much. Thought I would start by having a read. And @Nyx post encouraged me to actually write something. I was a bit scared! ☺️ Thanks for being so welcoming, I'm sure in future, I will use this as a place for some support/advice/encouragement. Smiley Happy 

(I accidentally have two profiles - I must have made leggs88 a while ago and my phone just logged me in to it! I've requested for it to be deleted, I am plain old Leggs now - hence my double post - oops!)

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