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Crazy_Bug_Lady
Senior Contributor

Everything has changed so much and I'm lost... ((sorry long post))

Hi All,

 

Ummmm not too sure where to start tbh, worried this'll just be me babbling...

I used to be an active member on here a few years ago, but stopped coming on because... well not really sure... I guess because I was on every week and then I got busy for a bit and didn't have time, but then felt weird because it had been a few weeks, then months... then years. 

I moved from my tiny unit to a secondary house on a property at the start of last year. My dream house really. Had sheep and cattle at my back door, and I was allowed to have pets! I adopted two cats. Loved them to bits.

Yes, life was still stressful and hard, but I had good things in my life.

 

Then I lost my job as the workplace closed down.

Then I was admitted to hospital for a few days in February after admitting I had pretty constant thoughts of suicide, and a solid plan.

I managed to get part time work doing nightfill. one or two days a week. The late nights, stress and everything was getting to me. My anxiety worsened as I had no reason to leave the house, so would go for days without seeing or speaking to anyone. I had unreliable phone and internet due to my location, and that made everything worse.

 

Another hospitalisation in May after my psychologist realised I had stopped taking my medication. I didn't feel it was working.

 

And then in August I decided I was done and made an attempt. A friend was concerned and had called an ambulance I think. It's a bit vague. Woke up in hospital where I was pretty much ignored for a week (the quiet person in the corner is easy to miss compared to the loud argumentitive people) and then discharged. 

My parents had to cut their trip short to come home because of this. I was evicted from my rental, had to rehome my cats (which were the only things really stopping me from attempting in the past), and now I am living back with my parents, older brother, sister-in-law, and niece (1yo) and nephew (3wo).

---------------------

 

Two weeks ago I found out that because I've moved districts (literally only 5 minutes away from where I was living) my community mental health team is trying to transfer me to my local mh network.

The same day my psychologist called and said I should try and get a referral to see a psychologist that specialises in DBT.

 

I do understand their reasoning, but it feels like I'm being abandoned.

 

 

I'm so sorry for the long post and coming back on after so long, I just really need to get this off my chest and talk to people that understand...

48 REPLIES 48

Re: Everything has changed so much and I'm lost... ((sorry long post))

I’m so sorry to read all that @Crazy_Bug_Lady. It made me feel really sad that you’ve been through all that remembering how much animals featured in your life. 

 

I totally understand that fear of abandonment and fear of starting again in a new system. It’s always been something I’ve struggled with, losing my support people. I don’t do change well. 

 

Im not sure if you’ve done DBT before. It might be helpful. It’s not easy but might be worth it. Everyone differs from what they get out of it. I hope your psychologist will help you find and transition to a new one well. I’m not sure what else to say but sorry you are going through this. It’s really crappy. 

💜

 

 

 

Re: Everything has changed so much and I'm lost... ((sorry long post))

Wow that’s hard @Crazy_Bug_Lady I do remember the name .. well you have got through it all so far Thats amazing Sorry it’s really outside of my experience well except for the moving a lot part just saying hi I guess and Well Done 😀

Re: Everything has changed so much and I'm lost... ((sorry long post))

Thanks @Teej @TAB for the reply. 

I've been feeling overwhelmed since I left hospital... There were all these promises of help and support and everyone kept saying how once I accessed DBT I'd definitely see improvement. I kept getting told medication doesn't help BPD, so quit my medication. Tbh the medication wasn't doing much, I'm not much different 12 weeks since stopping. 

 

I don't see any hope for change though. And my anxiety levels are through the roof. Whenever I tried to bring it up with the CMH worker or the psychologist they just keep saying it's part of BPD, and once I access DBT it'll get better.

 

Everything is just panic. Dad's taking me to this new psychologist on Monday, and I am so terrified I won't talk and it's all just gonna be a waste of time. The constant panic and hopelessness makes the suicicidal thoughts worse. I can't challenge the thoughts, because its all true. I'm a burden, a waste of space, and things will not improve. I've started SH'ing again. Which doesn't help... I can't do what I want to do because I live in a big household that knows my SH history, and don't want them to know. And that makes me feel worse, it used to help calm me, and if I could just do what I want to do I reckon I'd feel better. Even just to feel better for a little bit.

 

I don't know what to do. 

Re: Everything has changed so much and I'm lost... ((sorry long post))

 

Re: Everything has changed so much and I'm lost... ((sorry long post))

Hi @Crazy_Bug_Lady @Teej Well you have support from family so that’s something. Perhaps write down thoughts before your visit re worried about not saying anything. Perhaps others might have experiences that are similar and could be helpful @Former-Member I don’t really know what else to say 

Re: Everything has changed so much and I'm lost... ((sorry long post))

Hi @Crazy_Bug_Lady, @TAB & @Teej Smiley Very Happy

 

I am sorry to hear that you have been feeling overwhelmed and perhaps a little unsupported since you left hospital. It sounds like you have tried to tell people in your 'team' that you are feeling anxious, however have not been supported in coming up with a way to manage this. Do you have any ways other than self harm that help to relax or sooth you in any way?

 

I can hear some really difficult thoughts that you are having at the moment and it sounds like it is hard to challenge them at the moment because of the space you are in right now. This is okay, perhaps for now it is about working on a way to reduce the feeling of panic and anxiety.

 

@TAB's suggestion of writing things down as talking points for your appointment on Monday is a great idea. Would that be something you would consider? It sounds to me the things you have expressed here could be important things to raise with the psychologist when you feel comfortable doing so Smiley Happy

Re: Everything has changed so much and I'm lost... ((sorry long post))

@Crazy_Bug_Lady You have certainly been through a lot lately and are still struggling with so much. I think @TAB's suggestion to write things down you want to say to the psych is a good start. I am doing DBT and find it to be really beneficial. Learning the strategies to help cope in different situations (as well as with oneself) is invaluable.

I am no longer in the position you are in wanting to make plans so that is one thing that has really changed for me. Does this new psych you are seeing do DBT?

Re: Everything has changed so much and I'm lost... ((sorry long post))

ohhhhhhhhh @Crazy_Bug_Lady, how wonderful to see you again my wonderful friend HeartHeart

sorry to hear you have  been through a lot lately and are still struggling with so much. , sending you lots of hugs 

Re: Everything has changed so much and I'm lost... ((sorry long post))

@TAB I'm sorry if I upset you. I was pretty overwhelmed and panicking when I posted. I can try and write stuff down, but it's the first appointment, and Dad is taking me and I'm worried he'll feel like I've "wasted" the appointment. Tbh I'll feel like it too, but I know Dad's trying so hard to be patient with me and I feel like I'm letting everyone down...

@Rockpool I don't really know how to calm myself... My cats used to help, but now I don't have them I end up working myself up more because I miss them and I hate myself for having to rehome them. I have my own room, but it's not my own space. The living room is right outside and it gets so noisy, and it's not really got my own stuff in here to feel like it's "mine". I'd like to move out, but my treatment and family are concerned that it is not a good idea. 

@Zoe7 Hey. I've not had any experince with DBT other than my treatment team all making it out to lead to some miracle cure. Which scares me, because I feel like everyone will expect me to get better, and I really don't belive I will ever be anything other than this mess... The psychologist I am seeing on Monday is at a DBT clinic, but I don't know what will happen... I don't know what the plan is and I hate not knowing what is happening... which pretty much sums me up atm. I have no idea what is happening...

@Shaz51 so good to hear from you! I've missed all the people on here and finally got up the courage to try and come back. Is Friday Feast still a thing?? If it is I might try and pop over for "dinner"

 

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