Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Faith-and-Hope]

Definitely sounds like gaslighting to me @SJT63 ..... and you need some tools because he has you in a downtrodden state where he can turn everything back on n you, and your beautiful empathetic heart keeps trying to problem-solve something that is sounding not particularly solvable.

This is where you need to start being your own best friend.  Imagine yourself for a moment outside your situation, and the woman struggling in your current shoes was your best friend.  What would you advise her ?

Woukd you suggest that she stops trying to explain things to someone who is not interested in explanations and will only turn them into a game of cat-and-mouse ?

So what happens if you stop explaining, and just go about the business of your day, politely seeing to whatever is practical to keeping the house running, and then going out, under any and every excuse, to run errands but also breathe fresh air and have a coffee somewhere ..... aka time to yourself ?

Place your boundaries whether he likes it or not ..... they are your boundaries, and you were offering him the courtesy of sharing your thoughts and needs with him, which he has rejected ..... read: given up the chance to be involved with ..... so take charge of what you need to do, and do not apologise for being in your own space, and looking after you.  This is not a two way street, so I would suggest you consider it house-sharing, and begin living your own life around him.

As @TideisTurning has suggested, those counselling services are there to help you deal with exactly this sort of thing, and no, you shouldn't have to give up your house.  They will help you work out some strategies to take back your life from someone who is bl33ding you dry.

Hugs n hugs @SJT63 ...... you are worth more than this.

[Anastasia]

@Faith-and-Hope 🙏💕

@SJT63 💕

[TideisTurning]

Some great ideas & suggestions there @Faith-and-Hope 😊 While that information is really valuable, it's important to remember that ultimately, the decision is up to @SJT63. Though like I said, information is really valuable, and much appreciated I'm sure 😊

[Faith-and-Hope]

Thanks @TideisTurning ..... yes, I totally agree.  This is where it is really important to have professional support from the services such as you have suggested.  While here on the forums we have a view into each other's lives, we are not in a position to know for sure what they truly need ..... we can only offer suggestions and directions for finding the right support for our circumstances, or sharing what works or worked for us.  There is no "one size fits all".

I hope you do reach out to the supports @TideisTurning suggested @SJT63.  They would be where I would suggest as well.  Decisions like you are faced with are best made with support and guidance, and that is what I reached for all through my long, drawn-out circumstances too.  Where I am today, and what I am going through is all part of a process to change my situation for the better.

More hugs incoming ...... 💞💞💞

[Anastasia]

Thinking of you @SJT63 hoping you are ok xox

[SJT63]

@Anastasia @Faith-and-Hope @TideisTurning @Former-Member @greenpea @Appleblossom @Shaz51 

24 hours after I first went home you could almost see the demon leaving his body and Mr S returning. We were able to have a conversation. While reluctant, or perhaps unable, to deal with my prepared list of boundaries as a formal thing and all in one go, over the last three days I've been able to bring up a few points with him. 

He has only become irrational about something three times since I've been back and on all three occasions he has calmed down quite quickly when I refused to play. Despite being what I thought was quite articulate in my original email, he still seems to have missed my point a lot of the time.

Yesterday I noticed that he'd stopped separating the two types of teaspoon in the drawer so I asked for clarification. He thought that separating the teaspoons was making me upset.

I explained again that I am happy to try to accomodate all his little quirks, but I don't want to be punished like a child if I get them wrong - and if something is bothering him, like the colour of the coffee cup, tell me straight away before it festers and becomes a huge thing in his mind.

So I think, at least, I've convinced him that it is better to tell me the first time something I do (or don't do) bothers him rather than waiting until it becomes part of an explosion where I'm in trouble for something of which I was unaware.

I am going to have to be even more vigilant for a while and try to notice if something is getting under his skin and ask before it becomes a big issue.

If he needs me to help look for something (he loses things ALL the time) I will only help if he is calm, not if he is throwing things around the room or generally being aggressive about it.

Another really big issue is his phone. Because he has been out of the workforce for more than a decade and because I am still immersed in IT every day, things that are intuitive for me, are like a foreign language to Mr S. He comes in ranting about "shite software" at least once a day and I have always asked gentle questions trying to get to the root of the problem so that I can advise on how to achieve what he wants.

Then he wants to know WHY it has to be done that way and not the way he thinks it should and I have no answer, which makes me part of the problem and not the solution.

In future, when he comes in ranting and slamming his phone down, I'm going to ask straight up "do you want to vent or do you want help with a solution?". If he can't calmly ask for help then he can rant all he likes and I WILL NOT engage with it.

These three issues are really the biggest, because they are the things that begin not too badly, lost objects, difficult websites or some household chore done differently to his expectation, and then before I know it I'm cowering under an abusive tirade.

I know he is unable to control this, but I'm hoping to head these events off at the pass, before they become too intense, if I stay calm and focussed and don't let him get to me.

I am now regularly stressing the point that I will not engage with him if he is being abusive or irrational and I am making sure to thank him when he approaches a problem without completely losing control. I praise him for "using his words" rather than expecting me to guess what  he's thinking, or being reluctant to voice a concern before it becomes a big deal. Like I used to when my kids were very young.

You would think that after three years he'd have worked out that I don't lose my temper without being pushed and pushed over an extended period. He still reacts to things as if I'd lost my temper with him, perhaps in the way others have in the past. 

I'm not giving up just yet, and feel a bit sheepish for having made such a fuss, but sometimes things accumulate to a point where I have to let them out. All the carer support networks I'm involved with, and his father, and 1800respect all think I should leave because I'm in danger.

When you hear the stories with no background it does read like coercive control so I have actually put this back onto his doctors today. He knows I contact them so I've said I operate under the assumption that if they felt I was in physical danger they would have a professional obligation to let me know. 

I need to remain firm and calm for a while and see what progress we make.

I tried to say to him "If I didn't love you I would bother to tell you these things" but, as usual he interrupted... this time with "If you didn't love me you'd have left 2 years ago". I left it at that.

So I hope now that he understands that while I do love him, I cannot live the rest of my life as an abused partner, whatever the reasons behind it, and that we have a lot of work to do together to change a dynamic that I've allowed to develop over the last three years.

I'm going to speak to him about maybe attending a pshychology session together soonish, when I have more to report on how I'm going trying to shift the power balance.

Thank you all for your continued care.

[Anastasia]

Hello @SJT63 

I really hope it works out for you 

[Appleblossom]

  @SJT63 

So much to sort and sift thru.  Your positions sound reasonable and maybe the counselling will help him.  A lot depends on his willingness to accomodate you, rather than him "otherising" you or worse.

Somehow intimacy or shared rights in the home seem more difficult than ever.  Take Good Care

Apple

[Faith-and-Hope]

Woo-hoo @SJT63 .... great boundaries, and so chuffed for you that they are making such a workable difference already.  I like how you focused on the 3 most critical areas and worked on them first .... and shutting down the rages is huge.

💪 💞

[SJT63]

@Faith-and-Hope @Appleblossom @Anastasia @TideisTurning @Former-Member @Shaz51 

He lasted 6 days after I got back before it all overwhelmed him again and we had a night of upsets followed by a couple of "short fuse" days. 

Most of my resolve is gone. I have let myself slip back into spending my days trying to placate and avoid confrontation.... this is my failing, not his.

I am coming to the belief that all of the things I mentioned that I needed to change... well they all boil down to one thing. He needs to stop responding to me as if I were angry with him, or had criticised him, or had complained about "the thing" in any way.

A few nights ago he started taking all his mood stabilizer pills out of the boxes and flinging the blister sheets across the room... "What are you doing?" I asked (having been woken up for the palava of course). "I'm sick of having to get out a new sheet every 5 days so I'm keeping them all on the floor next to me from now on". .... "I guess you don't approve?".

the boxes are kept a full 6 paces away from his bedside table so yeah, I can see how the trek across the bedroom every 5 days could be exhausting.... NOT..

but I didn't say that. What I said was "ok sweetheart, I understand, I was just curious, not judging". 

and I said it with a calm voice and a (fake) smile on my face. He can't spot a fake smile (or a fake something else) because of the ASD which is a bit of a blessing sometimes. A lot of the confrontation at my house comes from him thinking I've had a go, or expressed disapproval, or criticised when I've barely opened my mouth.

My ex-psychologist, who has become his psychologist, has spoken to me a few times because she is worried about me. She's managed to get me in to see a colleague after Easter. She is very worried because "he may  be too old and entrenched in his responses for me to do much good, but I could be helping you"... but he would never get over her telling him that, so we're not going there.

I was asked why I assumed his mental health was more important than mine and the answer isn't too hard. I am sad, I am stressed beyond belief, I am exhausted... but I am not mentally ill and he is. 

I'm at work today, but Monday & Tuesday I called in sick. I was a bit headachy, a bit toothachy and just all around blah so I stayed in bed for 2 days. 

Mr "I can't leave the house or drive myself anywhere" went out really early Monday on the 7 hour round trip to buy herbs so when I woke up for work I was looking at at least 3 hours in my house alone. I am NEVER alone any more and while I get quite lonely living alone, everyone else I've ever lived with has occasionally gone out - I miss just an hour or two by myself once in a while so very much... to watch the telly with the volume on instead of  having to read the captions. 

I probably could have gone in Monday morning but chose not to just to get a few hours solitude... then after lunch I got toothache so Karma bit me on the behind.

The upshot of all this drama over the last 3 weeks or so? I have no balls. I suck at boundaries. I am still afraid of him. I can't ask him to leave. I don't want him out of my life I just want him to stop shouting at me. That is never going to happen. I feel like a fraud and a time waster.