16-05-2018 04:56 PM
Hi, I've been having depressed thoughts on and off for about a year now and I don't see why i keep trying anymore. I'm in my last year of high school, i don't have any friends, and my parents fight regularly. I study hard because that's all i can do and i'm nothing but a number on the report card. They would be better off if i died. The one thing that kept me going is my goal of getting into medicine, but even that doesn't seem to matter anymore because i feel like i won't be good enough for it. Any reasons to keep going would be amazing right now. Thanks in advance.
16-05-2018 05:18 PM
Welcome to the Forums. I’m sorry to hear how difficult things are at the moment. It’s great that your goal of getting into medicine has kept you going – I’m sorry you’re feeling as though you’re not good enough for it anymore.
You’ve mentioned that you have had depressed thoughts on and off for about a year. That makes me think that you have felt this way before and the feelings have passed. Has anything happened that’s making this time feel different?
There are lots of other members here on the forums who have struggled with depressed thoughts and feeling as though they’re not good enough. Maybe they will have some thoughts about what has kept them going…?
@quinn9, I’m also going to send you a quick email to check in. Welcome once again and please keep posting
16-05-2018 05:39 PM
thanks so much for replying. This feels kind of different because i've grown so tired of patching myself up and then everything starts repeating again. When my parents fight mum goes off at me for little things and says i'm' a bitch and a burden. Today it was that i wore stockings with a hole in it to school (it wasn't even visible). That makes things worse because i try so hard to pay back for all the trouble they go to because of us and i don't talk back unless i absolutely lose control of myself, i pretend i'm fine all the time, and i work hard at school. But it's not enough and this keeps happening, what's the point in trying?
16-05-2018 07:01 PM
Hello @quinn9 things in your family sound hard. It's particularly tough when you're too young to move out. I was in a bad situation at home for the last 2 years of school and threw myself into study because it was the only thing I could control. I didn't have a goal beyond that and ended up drifting for years. It sounds like you're confidence is down right now, but try not to give up on your goal of studying medicine.
It makes me really sad that your mum says those things to you, particularly since you are trying so hard. Is there any chance that you could leave home after you finish school? Is there any support on offer at school? Depression is such a heavy burden to bear alone. I have found the forums really helpful in finding understanding and support. Hoping the same for you.
16-05-2018 07:23 PM
Sending you a big warm hug 🤗. Just wanted you to know that you are not alone and others care.
I can understand the anxiety and distress you would be experiencing being in a household of constant arguing. And having no friends and no one to talk to must be so lonely for you. You are not alone here. Do you feel comfortable talking to either of your parents to let them know how you are feeling and how their arguements are effecting you? Is there a school counsellor you can talk to for support? It's so important to express to someone you can trust how you are feeling. You will feel so much better and safer for doing so.
I came from a background of childhood abuse (not saying yours is) - it was frightening, traumatising, bewildering and I felt very, very alone. But although life is not a bed of roses - one thing I can say is that it can get better with making wise choices and making the most of opportunities presented to us to improve our lot in life. Your goal at working hard at an education will give you many opportunities to branch out in a career that will one day give you independence and freedom. The not so favourable circumstances you find yourself in today you will be able to change to a better environment and a more fulfilling life. Whether that is medicine or another occupation you come across that you prefer - education will offer you those opportunities with hard work, doing your best and never giving up. Your efforts of hard study will pay off and help you towards a better future. Lots to look forward to.
Also along your travels you will eventually meet like-minded people that you will befriend, who will value and respect you - and even that special person perhaps one day. So much in front of you to enjoy. Trips away if you so choose to experience amazing adventures and new things that will open your world up - so many reasons to go on. As the beauty of life is although it can be rough at times, we never know the good things waiting for us around the corner to embrace and enrich our lives that will make and create precious happy memories. And finding meaning and purpose that makes everything worthwhile. All worth the effort of battling through the rough patches. Hang on @quinn9 to hope as it will see you to better times. xx