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Something’s not right

ClockFace
Senior Contributor

Unappreciated

Trigger warning Suicide/self harm
 
My sister was recently diagnosed with BPD, she has started DBT last week. I am really finding it difficult to deal with, Im her carer until she can start to manage things and become independant again. But the mood swings, the whole lot of them are one extreme to another. She does have periods of relative calm/quiet but they are few and far between.
 
For the most part she doesnt drive at the moment as she doesnt feel safe, so I drive her, except for when she wants to drive herself. I dont tend to go out alone because she doesnt feel safe home alone. Hell, we were at the ER and I said I was going to go to get food, I might be gone 20 min in total and she got grumpy.
 
Im supposed to hold on to the car keys at all times (so she doesnt go drive) and all lighters so she doesnt burn herself. I actually got in trouble and blamed for her self harming as I didnt police the lighters.
 
While she was in hospital I would drive down pretty much every day, an hour long trip either way for the most part. In addition to paying for fuel, I had to buy stuff from McDonalds, pick up stuff from shops etc. My salary didnt stretch that far so (because Dad wouldnt) I borrowed the money from my sister. Money I now need to repay (this includes buying from Maccas)
 
Today she decided to go out on her own and my Dad went to church, this was the first time I was essentially alone in a long time (my Mum was in her room but doesnt come out so) I was really tired and thinking about going to bed for a nap but decided against it as....alone. So figured I would have a nap when people came home. My sister gets home and starts about her latest self harm, which was clearly infected so off to ER.
 
This is not a complete list of examples but you get it. Thing is Im not angry about the above, Im tired...really really tired and I just dont feel that what I am doing is valued, that I am appreciated. When my sister was in hospital the house on a whole was tidy, its now trashed. You literally need to move crap out the way to use the kitchen bench because she has so much stuff there. She is fully focused on creating a safe space for herself and just expects me to deal with the mess outside her room. Its not my house, its my parents so I dont feel like I have the right to pull her up on everything she does, but my Mum and Dad wont either.
 
She is very self focused, at the ER she complained about the wait, she would be a quick one so should be seen earlier. That person got here after me. The triage system is unfair and she should be seen earlier.
 
She keeps asking me whats wrong and I would say that I dont feel well and Im tired and she would sigh, like what have I got to be tired about and your not really sick so what ever.
 
She leaves in the car without checking if I needed it, we have a copy off each others appointments but like do I want to go shopping. I told her today that I planned on going to the shops and she still took off in the car.
 
If she is mad, deal with it shes sick etc.
 
Each time I didnt come down when she was in hospital we would end up in a fight. (She was in multiple hospitals over 3 months)
 
I am very much of the mind that I need to help her *as much as I can*. I have taken unpaid leave at work (Dad lending money for me to live) to be there for her. I do everything I can to support her. I however also have MH issues as well as physical and this is taking its toll. I get this is an illness and while she is learning DBT skills she wont handle things in an ideal manner. It doesnt mean that its not a huge mental toll on those around her. As said I am tired, beyond tired. Im hallucinating audible, visual and tactile hallucinations. I am getting in a lot of debt, $12500 so far in just over 3 months. and the whole time I feel like she thinks Im not doing enough.
8 REPLIES 8

Re: Unappreciated

I'm so sorry to hear this is happening @ClockFace . I think it is important you have supports in place for yourself because it sounds like otherwise, you will be drained. It's the nature of BPD. It's not your sister's fault. BPD brings much emotionally instability. 

 

As much as DBT will be great, it takes years to recover from BPD.

 

Spectrum Vic have online support group sessions for carers. You may want to google it to see if you are eligible. BPD requires very intricate strategies.

 

You may also be interested in Topic Tuesday // Supporting loved ones living with BPD // Tuesday 25th January, 7pm-8:30pm AEDT 

 

All the best! Please look after yourself.

Re: Unappreciated

Hi @ClockFace 

 

I don't really have anything to add. I think @tyme has done a great job of offering ideas. I just came to say I'm sorry this is your current situation. It sounds like things are so tough right now. And then being invalidated by the very person you are being so good to. I do hope things improve for you real soon.

 

Sending warm wishes

Hanami

 

Re: Unappreciated

@tyme 

Thanks for that I will definately follow up on that one. 

 

Ive got a few supports, Im linked in the Community Mental Health that have referred me to another service, just waiting on them to contact. 

Im linked in with Carers SA but again waiting on follow up from them. 

I will be doing the guided services through SANE. Had my welcome call just waiting on an appointment. 

I saw an urgent psychiatrist the other day, just waiting on the scripts for be received hopefully the new meds will help. 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 



At the moment Im relying on SANE services and FB. I had contacted other services but they were max 20min contact and 1/2 that was questionaires. 

Re: Unappreciated

Hey @ClockFace ,

 

Good to hear you are linked in with some services. 

 

It is also good to encourage your sister's independence, and ask her how that would look like to her. Openness, choice, empowerment are key for borderlines.

 

In the meanwhile, we need to support YOU. You are most important in this equation.

Re: Unappreciated

@tyme 

 

Yeah that is something I want to start working on. 

 

She has been having issues with her eyes and we saw a specialist today and it has to do with the muscles around her eyes. The problem is that when it is active, generally when she is fatigued, she sees double. That means she is not allowed to drive. We live 20 min on a 100km road from the nearest main town, we are walking distance from nothing and there is no public transport. So it will come down to me driving her, though I will be pushing Dad sharing this. I know she is not a huge fan of Dad but if its just to the shops then she will have to deal with it. Doctors etc. I will do but I dont need to be out all day everyday. 

I have a bilateral ablasion of my SI Joints (where hip and spine meet) tomorrow. I definately wont be allowed to drive for 24 hours after it but there is the potential that I will be out of action for a couple days so she will definately have to deal with Dad then. 

Re: Unappreciated

And they are some of the boundaries required. IF she needs groceries etc, then she will have to accept being driven by Dad. @ClockFace .

 

Please don't think I'm being cruel. I'm speaking from a borderline's perspective, and I know that when we start to 'cross boundaries', the more we cross, the more we expect. It is not the real us, it is the BPD.

 

Boundaries boundaries boundaries are one of the key things I recommend for anyone caring for someone with BPD.

 

As for your own surgery, let your sister know beforehand what you can and can't do. That way, she will feel safer with those boundaries.

 

All the best with your procedure!

Re: Unappreciated

@tyme 

 

Yeah boundries does sound the theme. Im putting some in place but slowly. I dont want her to feel like Im abandoning her or trying to control her. Stuff about tidying up after herself is definately the next thing. 

 

As for surgery the boundry has been set that I wont be of any real use for a few days after. I dont know how I will pull up and I dont know for how long.

 

More boundries need to be added but I am concerned how many, how quickly I add them, I dont want to overwhelm her or make her feel like Im not there for her anymore

Re: Unappreciated

@tyme 

 

Dont know if this is too forward but have put together a list and wondering your thoughts.

When angry/aggresive/outburst bedroom until can calm down. If on phone call ends until calm again
Must pick up after yourself
Kitchen is a communal place, put your stuff away
Dont interrupt while I am writing or doing my routine, except for emergencies/major issues
Discuss additional tasks outside of medical appointments prior to making arrangements
Your emotional outbursts and swings will affect others and its ok that they get upset/hurt
No driving until your eyes are better
Your issues, medical or otherwise are no more or less important than others
 
 
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