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Live22
Casual Contributor

Not knowing which way to turn

Hi,

 

I'm a newbie here and confused about what to do!

 

I've been married for well over 20 years and have teenage kids all to which subconsciously realise something is not quite right at home but won't talk about it or acknowledge it.

 

I only learned about BPD 2 years ago when things reached a whole new level. Since then, I've immersed in gaining knowledge about BPD as well as seeing a psychologist for the past 18months.

 

My spouse displays most of the hallmarks of BPD but is so closed off in discussing our marriage I can’t even get anywhere near a discussion.

 

I’ve been treated with anxiety and depression and managed to climb out of that early last year, but about 3 months ago I took the focus off trying to keep a calm home & simply attempted to discipline our kids (a major trigger for my spouse) to which my spouse stepped in yet again and undermined me. This ended where it normally does where I have my kids then defending my spouse and all the blame is now deflected on me.

 

I didn’t handle this well and expressed to my spouse I feel trapped and didn’t have the will to live anymore. This ended badly for me after my spouse called the police then subsequently turning the kids against me. 3 months on and only focussing on apologising for my actions, this has not been accepted.

 

Our current situation is that my spouse has asked me to leave. However, I have strong Christian beliefs to which I can’t walkout on our marriage. Since explaining this, my spouse has turned up the heat & threatened to make my life a living hell, which is being played out on my spouses’ behalf.

 

I’m concerned on which way to turn??

14 REPLIES 14

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

@Live22 Welcome to the forums and thank you for reaching out here. I can feel your sense of helplessness and I just want you to know you are not alone. You will find many people here experiencing similar hardship. I'm going to tag @BPDSurvivor as they always have great insights. 

Unfortunately I don't have the answers as only you know your situtation. You mentioned having treatment recently but do you have some supports in place again now to help you cope with your living situation?

I'm going to check in with you via email as well, please take care.

Paperdaisy 💝

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

@Paperdaisythank you for your response. Yes I do have plenty of people around me supporting me and I'm still receiving counselling. I am doing ok albeit, each morning I wake up & feel I’m mourning the lose of someone.

My main concern is learning how to handle these situations as it feels so far from reality. The counselling is going well, but I’m still gaining knowledge of how the BPD mind works & I certainly don’t know how to respond most of the time.

P.S. I did get your email & yes I am ok. My emails aren’t secure so I’m best not to respond to that but thanks once again.

 

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

@Live22 

It sounds as if your spouse has "played" manipulating games, and as if he has leveraged the kids when he should have done the christian thing and raised children with some level of boundary and social ethics.  

 

I am sorry, but I also had a similar dynamic in my marriage.  It was living hell for 16 years.  Eventually my marriage was annulled and I have done a lot more research into both christianity, child raising, emotions and relationships since.

 

I am pretty sure now, that christian values is not meant to mean the woman continues in an abusive situation.  I began to have the outrageous thought when people tossed superficial christian stuff at me ... that Jesus was only on the cross for 3 days.

 

I now believe that good christianity has many clues and hints about having a good family and social life, but does not mean unnecessary siffering.  There is enough necessary suffering.  There is a lot of information about women in abusive relationships.

Take Care of you, and not just your family.

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

@Appleblossom 

Thanks for your information I particularly like your view on Christianity.

 

Our gender status is actually the reverse.

 

My spouse doesn’t share the same Christian beliefs and has controlled the parenting which has reached the point were we’re not on the same page and becomes forceful in that control which causes confusion to our becoming adult kids.

 

As for taking responsibility for actions, my spouse is dismissive of any wrongdoing and lays the blame completely on me, a trend that has lasted 10 or more years but I didn’t realise what I was dealing with.

 

My spouse is now trying to control how the marriage ends and this is what has led me to not knowing which way to turn as its quite a volatile reaction or response to anything I mention or do.

 

I guess what I’m seeking is where to gain the understanding of the type of mind I’m dealing with here to best help me navigate through this mess!

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

So sorry @Live22 I presumed re gender.

It is good that you have support and have worked through issues.

There is family mediation and or lawyers.  I am loathe to go the lawyer way, but for many it their only option.

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

@Live22 

 

The best way to navigate this is to not be pressured into making decisions. If you can, always say that you need time to think about it and will get back to you tomorrow.  Seek help from somewhere like a relationship counsellor who really understands manipulative behaviours and how they can be used to bring power over you in the situation.  Always take the time out to find the reason behind what is being requested for you.  If you are always to blame, is that because it takes the pressure off him to be accountable for his actions and provide growth towards the relationship with his kids. 

 

If you have Spotify or a way to listen to the podcast "the Trap", I would recommend you take a few hours out to have a listen in case your situation gets worse and you need information on an emergency exit. 

 

Ultimately your kids will reach an age where they start to understand that by their father not taking responsibility to grow your relationship, they will see how the consequences of his actions led to these outcomes.   If you know someone who has already been through a divorce, their experience and wisdom in what steps you need to protect yourself may make a world of difference in the outcome of the rest of your life. 

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

All to familiar @Live22

I have been and am in the same situation.

Has your spouse been diagnosed with BPD?

I have come to the realisation, after over 20 years of blaming myself, that I can only work on me.  I need to work on and remain healthy; physically and mentally.

Stay strong and let's hope 2022 provides some clarity.

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

@AussieRecharger 

 

Thanks for your wise advice, I aim to take time to think through my decisions.

One thing I need to mentioned is it's actually a gender reversal, I'm the husband who's coping the bad treatments. This being said, is "The Trap" gender neutral or more about women? I've been listening to "Stop Walking on Eggshells" which is pretty good, but I'm really after how to move forward from this point.

Re: Not knowing which way to turn

Thanks @Carlo my spouse isn't diagnosed as she doesn't see she' has a problem, but she does display a lot of the hallmarks
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