Lived Experience Forum

[afterhours]

I’ve added a bit to this but I won’t keep on being so egotistical . Just really hoping so much for understanding and companionship…………… I’ve decided to post this to more clearly explain my situation but I quite understand if it’s too long to be acceptable.  I will not write so much in future. 
Re the info from the Team , I’ve certainly had crises , lots of pills and psychiatric treatment throughout my life,  for severe depression and anxiety. Some very bad times.  A “breakdown”  , some months off work at one stage long ago. 

BUT that was all when I was much younger. 
I learnt to ACT more ,  display 
a coping ‘persona’     — and to shut myself away at times. 
One of the few helpful things psychiatry has done for me  ,is to help me stop feeling as if I’m a totally dishonest FRAUD , just acting a part.   
I can now accept that both the inadequate and the successful sides of my being are equally honest and valid.   Mind you,  this is not of any interest to the outside world.….. and definitely best not mentioned. 

I remain a very inadequate,  fearful person who has managed to force myself to achieve a few things and spent a lot of energy trying to hide my fear.  ive been an incomplete, immature sort of human  but have been lucky enough to experience some positive aspects of life. Nothing has“fixed” me but it hasn’t all been bad. I’ve achieved a bit, had some nice experiences and some good friends.  But most of it has just been such HARD work —- trying to be ‘good enough’ — and  keeping up the ‘coping’ face for the outside world.  
Always feeling as if other people know HOW to live  - but I do not!!    Some secret that others have-  but I have never managed to find.  
And  dominated always by  FEAR that must be hidden.   Diminishing to all relationships.

A dominating wish for me now is that children do NOT  grow up to be like me.   May the whole of society find the way to develop RESILIENCE in all children,  whatever their inherited traits,  and to provide thoughtful , tailored support when it is needed, so that they can grow into well-rounded, resilient, mature, happy adults. 

In my case, the mental state has become  worse with retirement from an absorbing  career , increasing health issues ,and isolation.  I now often fear that I just can’t carry on.   It’s just all too exhausting.   It’s not possible to explain myself to friends or relatives and I don’t want to alienate them more by burdening them with my meanderings  when they all have their own lives and their own issues. 
Talking to professionals isn’t really the answer because they are not there when one is feeling worst. I’ve been told so often that I sound really good when that is not how things have been at all!!!  I never seem to be able to explain the debilitating reality of the darkest times. It’s as if I somehow have to rise to the occasion and put on a positive face to please the other person. They never know the truth. 

I realise I have an immature need to be LOVED and needed —-and a forum won’t give me that,  but just being able to feel “connected” in the moment, for a little while  , for just a FEW words, I think would really help me in my remaining years. 
Much of the time I feel so LONELY  it’s like physical nausea in my stomach.
I hope I am suitable to be a member.

Maybe someone could point me in the direction of learning to be more STOIC  and mature. 

[CRodda]

@afterhours I don't have the answer, but I don't think you have to become stoic and mature, it's not immature to want to be loved and needed.  I listened to a podcast this week about trying to change the conversation/culture about mental health, we do not need to be stoic, we want mental health to be mentioned in the same nature as physical health.

I hope you find what you're looking for - a Men's Shed perhaps? - but I just hope that my reply, even if not helpful, makes you feel connected for a moment.

[underthebee]

Hi @afterhours 

It sounds like you have a lot on your mind right now, thank you for sharing so eloquently about your experiences and feelings. I can definitely say I've felt similarly before, as if everyone else was operating in a way that I just couldn't access. It can feel so alienating and discouraging, and it often makes me forget the other times in my life when I have felt very connected with other people! Do you find that it also causes a similar experience for yourself?

I'm quite worried also about your feeling that you might not be able to carry on. That can be such a big feeling, and very overwhelming, so I'm sorry to hear it if you're having to navigate that space. I think it's really fantastic that you're reaching out here on the forums, and I hope we can provide you with some connection, as it sounds like that would be very helpful for you!

I'm sending all my support and care 💙

[Appleblossom]

Hello @afterhours Sending a big welcome to the forum

Retirement can be pretty isolating.  Hope you get a sense of connection  here.

Sounds like you were pretty mature and stoic to me if you managed to develop that career persona.  I am a little similar with the coping side and the vulnerable side.  I have read people posting about "masking" and feeling like a fraud.  I have never felt that way, as the requirement to be capable and cope was necessary from an early age, too early an age.  Its great you do not feel that added burden when  dealing with mental health issues.

I really like what @CRodda said.

"we want mental health to be mentioned in the same nature as physical health."

 Yes yes yes.

Cheers Apple

[afterhours]

Thanks CRodda , I agreed totally with your view re mental and physical health. And yes the connection helps . All the best

[afterhours]

Yes I really relate to what you describe.
My feelings of not being able to carry on , and loneliness, are also associated with increasing health issues.. I can no longer participate in many of my peer group’s activities and I feel they do not really understand the limitations of my health and mobility.
There is also very little contact with any family members. I’m always the one who initiates and this makes me feel I’m probably not wanted.
I suppose I would desperately love a close friend but i probably have an unrealistic view of that. Very insecure— always have been.
I’m hoping these moments of Sane connection will help fill a
bit of the void.
Thank you for connecting. Your care and support are much appreciated

[amber22]

Hey @afterhours ❤️

That does sound like it would be a really hard thing to go through. Connection is definitely really hard, and can make us feel really isolated at times. I'm really glad that your connection through SANE forums is helping. We are always here for you, and you are never alone.

Sitting with you, 

Amber22

[afterhours]

Thank you .i think a tougher earlier life has made you a wise person.

I believe I was “wrapped in cottonwool” too much in some physical ways but deprived of much genuine emotional support in my early life. BUT I do not think I should STILL be blaming my inadequacies on an accident of upbringing.!!
I want to do better.
I really appreciate your connection with me

[afterhours]

That’s a lovely message amber22
I am really hoping Sane will help me feel less alone , Thanks for sitting with me

[wellwellwellnez]

When you say ACT (as well as some of your reflections) I think of A.C.T. Don't know if it's one of your tool, but either way I see some of the strengths that you get from ACT (i.e you're accepting and you're acting (the two do tend to help each other along)). And, technically I count as the outside world (maybe even the outer-outside world). Generally lovin' your recovery vibe.