I woke up in a lot of back pain, and he was into one of his bad days. I can tell within a few minutes of waking. So he just kept going and I lost it.He got bored with it. He always does. He says he knows he's the problem, but he sounds and behaves like he's proud of that. He says I go on at him. He's right but only to a degree. I just give in to most of it, but I refuse to let him push over my boundaries every single time, especially the hygiene. That's what tipped me over this morning, again. He says he cares, but I asked (again) how can I possibly see what he thinks is caring, when he doesn't do a single thing that shows it. Then he started on his "believe me" phrase repetition which didn't help. I don't believe him. He's a compuslive liar. He will lie outright and thinks it's funny if I call him on it, or just not bother to take the time to think of the answer to something.
I said he can say what he likes, but words without actions have no meaning. He says he's trying, but I shouldn't expect to see anything that proves that. Then he started on the exact same phrase, with the exact same mannerisms as my mother (who is a psychopath and is the reason I suffer PTSD). And I told him this time he must have studied her very hard to learn that, when he can't learn anything I ask him to change. I feel like I'm at the edge of the slippery slope again and he's just standing there, pushing and pushing and pushing and he won't ever stop.
I created some analogies. It's like I had a beautiful, rare piece of china (my life) and it got knocked down and shattered into a hundred pieces. I don't even know if I found all the pieces, but I try to put it back together again. When I join a few pieces together, he comes along and drops it again. He says he'll leave, and I wish it were that simple, but that still leave me with a broken plate.
Tomorrow he won't remember or care how distressed I was today. And the physical pain just isn't going anywhere either. The last doctor shrugged his shoulders when I asked what to do - in a long line of doctors who don't do anything and tell me it's bad luck or bad genes. And the physical pain is being made worse by the stress and emotional trauma.
Today I got the afternoon alone with a friend. I even managed to drive to see her and she drove also, so we could meet half way. We will do this again in a fortnight, if he doesn't mess it up for me.
We arrived at the housesit that is next to his friends. It is disgusting and looks like a warzone. It almost belongs on an episode of hoarders but he thinks it's fine because it's the disastrous state he would get everything into if I didn't stop him. Now I'm sick and have been for weeks, so I'm getting out even less than I did, and he's being even more controlling and bullying and his behaviour is so bad it's scaring me.
I've been sick enough to end up in A&E and he alternates between obsessive and demanding - take pills, take pills, take pills or outright hostile.
Since I'm so sick, I'm scared, because it's really showing up his total incompetence to manage. He cooks, but the meals are strange combinations, lacking in vegetables, which may have enormous amounts of salt added, or other condiments. He can't get money for himself, but expects I have money for him to shop even though I'm too sick to get out to get any.
He has thrown stuff at me (fortunately he was only holding paper) because he did shop and I said he'd bought the wrong thing. I'm lucky he wasn't holding the can of food. He got very angry when I told him off and very argumentative and can't see that it's inappropriate behaviour. He is acting like my illness is the biggest inconvenience he's ever experienced and I'm scared because I don't know how I can manage alone with my kind of illnesses.
But I need to be better prepared. He's getting nastier by the day knowing we're getting closer to heading to my family (and my support) over Xmas and doing his best to sabotage that.
@ivana Thankyou for the links! I have read the PDF and found it very useful. I think hubby has every single thing mentioned.
I also believe the difficulty I'm having in getting help - other than hubby has little self awareness and refuses all assistance, is that his injury is caused by the medical profession. It seems to make them close shop to protect themselves instead of accepting they are the problem. The hospital covered up the whole thing and I don't have enough evidence, other than my husband, to prove what they did.
I will contact synapse when I get a few moments alone. I don't get many of those and I can't make those kind of calls when he's around. It makes him agressive and he'll do anything to distract a call, and he'll be intolerable for the rest of the day. And I just don't have enough personal resources left to cope with it.
I'm feeling a little better today (recovering from flu/bronchitis/asthma) and so he's not so abusive, because he doesn't have to keep up the pretence that he cares.
Its good that you can check in occasionally @artee ...
now that you have explained that fear of being sued is part of the medical profession's lack of support ... its important that you find an avenue or advocacy group to help you get the support you need ... @ivana has great awareness of the web and various govt and non-govt agencies.
