Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Appleblossom]

Thanks @NikNik

I am trying to manage my moods and understand them in normal rather than pathological terms. 30 years ago, a shrink said I pathologised everything. I was not able to give coherent verbal responses at that stage.  Now, its "Wait a minute .. it was you guys who put the labels on my people, not me".

On a daily level: Eg Exposed to something sad ..feel sad but dont let it ruin my day type of stuff. Exposed to something beautiful like @Jacques models, feel touched, acknowledge creator and keep moving.  Dont get too stuck.

Last birthday, I put a personal boundary down for me. Next year maybe I will still be on forums and I can tell you about it.

At last, I am having a better sense of my future.  This week, I booked 2 little musical holidays for January.

[Former-Member]

Hi @NikNik

Agree with you that boundaries can be hard to enforce and take practice. If you are not used to it when you first start it is possible to feel really selfish about looking after your own needs. I think it takes time to build up the confidence to achnowledge and trust your own "crap/moody/down" emotions as a signal that something is not quite right.

Also there might be a tendency to become too rigid at first and maybe practicing role playing could help with that.

Cheers

[pjc11]

yes setting boundries has always been an issue with me , i tend to let things go and then get fedup with certain things my daughter does and I get a bit annoyed or angry towards her because she dosent respect me. I at times dont respect her. I too have been dealing with changing my anti depressants andI suffered bad withdrawel. Thank goodness I got through that. Then once the new meds stared to work to help me feel better and able to feel stronger, and be more assertive with boundries. My problem is consistency, always has been since my kids were young. any suggestions to help me with this?. I think that you are showing inner strength and taking care of yourself when you take yourself away from situations or reading some other carers story and how it impacts on you. I agree it is important to be aware of these type of things and how they affect us. Insight is a wonderful thing to have and to use.We are allowed to say to anybody , stop or leave me alone because what you are saying etc is affecting me. That is a part of boundries and being assertive.

[Appleblossom]

I have a problem with boundary consistency too. @pjc11

I also think we have the right to be human.  With my son I am trying to suggest that its not an all or nothing situation .. he knows my general tendencies and values .. I have said I am allowed to have a range of feelings and tolerances .. sometimes I am incredibly hypersensitive that is the way it is (physcial and/or emotional).. other times I can cope with more .. we are trying to work it out with some respect.Thats where communication skills, patience and forgiveness come in.

[hopeandsupport]

I just went to a workshop on 'Boundaries' through ARAFMI.  it was very helpful.  We watched a short video by D. Rauchere, i think it was.  Shift obedient focus to self focus.  this was one of the notes i made.  This is important to your happiness.  Easier said than done I know.  And reaching out,  it's easier to make a boundary when you have other people helping you.

[BPBear]

I have just recently found that saying the word no works wonderfully. It's hard to say to start with but gets easier the more you use it. It needs to be respected to be effective however there are ways to ensure this. One is to not engage in discussion/argument. The request has been made of you, you don't wish to comply, you don't have to give reasons. If it's suggested that by not giving your reasons you are not respecting the other person you just turn the argument on it's head because by not accepting the decision the requester is not respecting you.

Small word, powerful, but not easy to say!

[Appleblossom]

Thank you @hopeandsupport

I think part of my problem with boundaries was the utter vacuum I grew up in.  That is, nobody ever discussed anything with me with a back and forward question and answer style.  My parents were overburburdened and the social and orphanage workers were too busy too.

Please keep discussing it with me.

I was very patient .. could wait hours or decades.  Eventually my family SHOULD have been able to make time.

I am sorry @BPBear I think that boundaries are more complex and sophisticated than just saying the word "no". No" is appropriate sometimes but not the whole story. Too much No saying can be problematic and leads to silly polarisation and escalation.

I am too old to quibble about things but I crave and need nuanced boundaries.

[BPBear]

What do you mean by nuanced boundaries exactly @Appleblossom?

[Appleblossom]

I am trying to work that out @BPBear

I developed a chameleon style .. probably cos of too many changing environments when young .. 15 schools .. what to do to fit in or be acceptable was never fixed ..but I a still a big merger .. was a dove in the DOPE psych test .. sing in choirs etc. Afraid of the spotlight but manage it when I accompany other so see myself "in relation" not just a "me".

The good thing about that is I became adaptable .. but not sure about many things that others took for granted. My last psych called herself a "boundary queen" but sometimes that can just be unexamined habits and assumptions.

I am learning to say "no" to accepting things I dont really want .. and "no" to doing things I dont want to do. 

But I have noticed a lot of people doing the "no" thing like a spoiled child .. so I want a bit more clarification.

I am learning to say "yes" to life .. but need to learn how to negotiate the spaces between me and others .. which comes up in unpredictable ways and with no simple formula.

[Appleblossom]

Can you explain a little more about the shift from obedient focus to self focus @hopeandsupport

I noticed that most women and prescriptive and judgemental style of language when discussing things and easily got into disgust or outraged mode.

Then I would jump into defense mode ... of the underdog ...

I had to swallow so much growing up I have too much tolerance for bad things .. I am working on puttting up with less.