Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[PeppiPatty]

Like your way of doing things. I've heard some wonderful things about Alanon that the group expands your mind.
It took me years and years of learning how to care for myself too. I get heaps good value from Sane forums ........

[Kawasaki]

HI,

I think we all feel like this.  I'm very fortunate to have wonderful people looking after me.  I get into trouble for being 'too caring' and my supporters have helped me learn to look after me first.  It feels selfish doing this but it is a must.  

Would it be beneficial for your children to get support too?  Everyone has friends, but they don't understand. A professional understands and can provide great information on the issues and how to deal with it.  

I have learnt to separate myself, step out of myself and look at what is going on from outside the bubble. I think it's quite funny when I do this, like I've got a separate personality too.  Anyhow it helps.  You look at what's going on, what the trigger was and then you can put yourself somewhere safe and unravel.

Also you might find giving him some more space, give him responsibility, let him have small hurts might help relieve some tension.  If he doesn't want to get out of bed and you want to go somewhere, you go, he'll most likely still be in bed when you get back.  If he doesn't present well for work, let his work tell him he's got bad breath, his shirt is on backwards, etc.  I'd never let my partner do major damage, but he's grateful that I'm not telling him what to do all the time.  He's also very proud that I look after myself.

Try and ask him if you can sit down together and map out some boundaries, triggers, outcomes.  We did this with the help of our pshycholgist and counsellor.  We have a warning where I'll say I'm not comfortable with what's happening and then I save myself . When he's well again, we review what happened and see what we can do better next time.  Everyday is a learning and growing day.

Remember to look after you.  Find your safe spot whether it's exercising, gardening, take the kids out for ice cream, get your hair done, whatever works for you.

This forum is a great place to drop and gather support.

Take care.

Kawasaki 

[PeppiPatty]

Dear @Kawasaki

Good good post you give
I like the activity you only suggest
Can you write of your journey ? I would like very much to read it
PeppiPatty

[artee]

@Kawasaki

That's excellent advice.

Today I just let hubby do whatever he thought he should do in the carpark while trying to reverse. We sat in the space for about 15 minutes and he got very angry because he couldn't manage to get out without my help to tell him about traffic behind us. I told him if he wanted help he had to ask. He still didn't ask.

Then we drove straight past the house we're staying at and kept going for about 2km and I said nothing. And I got blasted for saying nothing again. But I've decided he gets to make his own mistakes and perhaps then he might realise what his problems are and it's not me picking on him like he thinks.

I'm not saying anything when he goes out with his face covered in food and filthy clothes he won't let me wash and they look like he slept in them, or when he can't work out where the door is to get in or out of a shop, or when he goes the wrong way when he walks out of a shop or where he left things he hasn't put away. So far, that's creating a lot of anger with him and he's blaming me.

[PeppiPatty]

Dearest @Chrimster

You poor poor lady it feels like you have been given mixed messages
But it also feels like coming here online is the best place for you, Right now. My name is PeppiPatty and I met my soulmate when I was 43 years old as well or 42 years old.

If we break down your story : is that okay ?
Can you comment if o get it wrong ?
The reason why I'm going to break it down is because I personally find it easier to work out how you can learn how to care for you and what your options are.
Do you mind holding off calling his Mum until you have some structured questions to ask :
Ille be back in a tic I'm just writing your story down ......
Pp

[PeppiPatty]

Okay I agree with @Appleblossom that you seem a caring soul ......( my words)
My small experience in what you are dealing with is that I'm married to someone diagnosed at 21 years old we went to high school together ..... We knew each other .... We would have a coffee together if we would see each other but not until we properly met when we were 42 to 43 did we know we are meant to be together. I am a very proud consumer ...... I have absolutely no idea how I survived without medication which I started taking at 40 years old . My husband ...... and husband didn't take medication for many years.

So what I write you can either agree or disagree because I'm not a
Professional.

It feels like no matter what you say to him just at the moment ......he cannot take it in. Oh dear, have I been there.
He is incredibly overwhelmed with
1: feelings of love; he cannot deal with feelings of intimacy

2: it's too hard he is too overwhelmed. If he hears ' love,' he's going to freak ....he loves you and these feeling which have been locked away are too much for him .......
I'm mindful that this is Not your fault. He's ....... Special..........
my husband told me last night the reason why he loves me so much is because I'm special....... . It's because my husband loves me:
Can you ask his mum these questions:
Without judgement :

Has his past involved past ...... Self medicating ?
Has he stayed on his medication for long bouts of time ?

That maybe..... In the need for you to have to take care of yourself ..... He will follow but it feels like you need to get some power back. Can you turn off the phone until he promises not to go off his medication ?