Was it emotional abuse with intention or not intentional. I still don't know??? I've been crying a lot tonight. I'm sad, I'm hurting, I want answers, I'm confused and just feel so much pain.
Acknowledging things is hard. I don't even understand nor can I figure out if I'm still in love or what I even feel. There are do many beautiful memories. Yet, so much conflict with the times that really got to me and dud cause damage? I do ask myself, did I have it all wrong? Was I too hard on her when I got hurt? Was I a terrible and unbearable person to be around?
I'm trying to see why? I'm finding that so hard. I've tried talking about it but so far nobody has been of any great support or help to me. So, I stopped talking about it.
I remember when it first started in February 2020 and it just kept going in periods of time. She just would stop talking to me. I'd done nothing, nothing that I could think of. At that time we were living in a one room cabin so being ignored was even harder. At first it was only for a short time. She just wouldn't talk to me. She would just sit and write in this notebook. It feels like so long ago that the memories are a bit vagues.
As time went on, it didn't stop. It only got worse. The amount of time got longer, no explanation, just stopped talking to me altogether. Over time it caused damage to me and the relationship more and more. I tried everything to work with her so it would stop but it didn't. Even now I just feel so numb and empty. I felt like I didn't exist and that I didn't matter to her. I tried to be strong but most times after a few days I would break down crying. I would because I didn't understand and I missed her. Most of those times she knew I was crying and offered no comfort to me and that caused more damage. I also started to change. I can't remember in which ways but I did.
I still feel the pain and everything I felt when it was happening. I put up with most of it because I knew intimate details about her childhood. She was completely ignored by her mother. Her needs, actually all of her needs were completely ignored. I knew her pain and I made concessions for her childhood. I thought if I just stuck it out, we could make it and one day this would not be happening anymore.
There was more that went on, on an emotional level. I definitely felt abandoned. Yet it was so hard because at times she could be so amazing at being emotionally supportive. It was do confusing for me.
I'm sad, hurt. I don't know if it was abuse? I don't know if she intentionally chose to do it to hurt me. I don't know if it was unintentional and she couldn't see the damage it had caused me. Just so much I don't know.
When she was preparing to move out, she acted like she was so happy. In her last two weeks here it was like ecstatic for her freedom. Of course I saw it. I said nothing but it crushed me deep inside.
As I said, I've tried talking about it to some people but it just hasn't been helpful and a lot of the responses I've been given havn't been helpful either.
I feel like I just want to run away somewhere that I can't be found.
If she's damaged from her childhood as you've said you made concessions for, she would most likely be stuck emotionally at that age as I was until dbt educated me otherwise. I'd hazard to guess she wasn't intentionally trying to hurt you, but has known no other way to act properly emotionally because of her mother.
I still love her. It all just went too far. A lot more than what I have spoken about here happened. It's left me in a very dark and horrible place in my life, and she just walked away from it all. I am going to get counselling because I don't think I can live how I am living now. This is a different kind of daily hell and I am not doing very well at all. I am pretty messed up.
Of course you love her and I have no doubt it was a darker and nastier situation. I know how dark and nasty I used to be. No you definitely can't continue like this. When you seek help, make sure you identify to them that you are an abuse survivor so you get the proper care. Just take it day by day.
And remember the little self care things like making sure you shower daily, eat regularly and try to leave the house if you're not.
I understand what you are feeling. When I was with my Ex.. he made me feel that I wasnt worth talking too or even worth loving. He was my first real relationship as I was more into my carer and travelling. I finally let someone into my life and he broke my heart. Not only did he make me sleep on my own but when he did come to bed he ignored me crying all night!
He also told granduer stories about jobs, friends and even winning a job with Play station. I believed all his lies and everytime I knew he was lying I had to just accept it. I allowed him to isolate my feelings and think that he is the one that needs help all the time.
We were engaged to be married and we really wanted to start a family. I fell pregnant (even though we were told we couldnt) and he left me.. Its been a year now and Im celebrating my sons first birthday. I havent dealt with the pain from the betrayal and I still feel that I was played as a fool.
The hurt and the betrayal is the feeling Im having right now knowing my son is growing up without a father but grateful that he isnt because he cannot hurt my child.
From this thought what I want to emphasise - that Everything happens for a reason and your worth having a life of happiness. It hurts but you are here and that is a very good reason to let go. There is always someone better that comes into your life and someone that needs you in their life. So let go of this feeling and be kind to yourself rather than punishing yourself.
Sounds very similar to my situation, I find it hard. I kept going back to the what ifs? The did that actually happen and was it meant to hurt me? Am I in the wrong? Why do I feel like this? There is no right answer s to your sinereo it comes down to finding yourself, finding away to let go, move forward with confidence that you have done every thing to right this in your mind. I know it's cliche but try to see the positive s focus on the now, not the past, find the seek out help or other like mind ed people to talk to , get a journal, do something that you want, something that makes you feel enlightened. Meditation, excersise, staying in the past and trying to rationalize what happened is only causing your mind more confusion and keeping you in that dark place. Ground yourself, talk to her when your ready, ready to be non judgemental , to listen to what s being said and take it on board. But don't beat yourself up, it will get you nowhere. I can't say that I'm there yet nor am I an expert but I'm trying to be the best I can be by improving my mindset. Without me being stable without finding yourself and getting into how it got this way, nothing will help. I'll gladly pass on anything I can to help you or just be here to listen. I feel your pain, I truly do.
Glad to hear you're going for counselling @Powderfinger. I have suffered that sort of betrayal. Gaslighting is the pits !!! It really messes with your head and your heart - a counsellor can help you recover faster. Part of the letting go and healing process involves trying to wrap your head around what happened and why. I am learning about a particular personality disorder that results in this sort of trauma and chaos - it's what they do.
I had one that used to stop talking to me (the one that died a few years ago). That was his weapon of choice. He actually used to withdraw so that he wouldn't say something to me in anger that he would later regret - apparently - even after I pointed out that the way I was admonished as a child was to be ignored until they thought I'd been punished enough.
I know we've talked about your relationship before but since then I've been listening to a podcast that talks a lot about abusive relationships and one of the red flags is how serious and intense a relationship becomes in a very short space of time; how hard the abuser works to sweep the victim off their feet and make them dependant as soon as possible.
Maybe to help you deal with memories and images that come flooding back and upset you, try and analyse what happened as if you were watching from afar. Pretend you are watching two strangers and make notes on what you observe about the dynamic between them.... I saw a great quote the other day.."when you're looking through rose-coloured glasses, red flags just look like flags".
much love
S xxx
Childhood trauma may be the reason... it may not ... but it is no excuse.
Yeah @SJT63 ..... I excused a lot based on inherited family trauma.
I have since learned that even under the influence of this personality disorder, and it sounds like the same pattern you have described (how serious and intense a relationship becomes in a very short space of time; how hard the abuser works to sweep the victim off their feet and make them dependant as soon as possible) they are aware of the choices they are making in regard to their treatment of you.
Addictions were another marker, and one I was trying to be supportive around while also seeking a medical intervention ...... which is what became our undoing.
Yes, red flags and rose coloured glasses. It makes sense. Empaths need support to achieve self-protection behaviours, methinks.
Thank you for sharing. This is all just one big tangled sh....t show of a complex mess. Me and what I have been through. I have quitened down from speaking about it now for many reasons. I am trying to sort out therapy and that in itself is proving to be very challenging and exhausting in itself.
In regards to your suggestion about dealing with the memories and images, I am not able to do that process yet because I am not able to watch us as as two strangers when those memories and images come up. It is simply not the right time for any of that when I am still very much grieving, hurting, confused and lost.
As for the quote about rose colored glasses and red flags, it is an interesting quote.
