Lived Experience Forum

[SpaceInvaderz]

Not exactly sure where to post this. It's something I've never really told anyone but I'm keen to start my healing journey so I can move on with my life.

one of my parents has been in prison since I was a kid. I've never been allowed to talk about it with anyone (family refused to speak about it). It's harder because I love them, they're the person most like me in the world and it makes me feel evil. I push everyone away because I feel like no one deserves to have this big thing in their life against their will. I feel so guilty about all the times I'm upset but then I think of them being trapped in there. 

I'm in and out of therapy but I can't ever tell them about all this because a. It's drilled in my head that I can't tell anyone, and b. I feel like no one can ever understand. I'm sick of hating myself and my life. I've looked around and I know there's very minimal resources for people like me. If anyone can help that would be amazing.

[tyme]

Hey @SpaceInvaderz ,

Welcome to the forums! You'll find this a safe, moderated space to be able to connect with others.

Growing up with a parent in prison can be difficult for anyone. 

I am pleased to hear that you want to make a difference in your life to stop hating it. As a child, I was emotionally quite oppressed as I was not allowed to share my emotions. In a way, it may be similar to you in that you were not allowed to speak about something that meant so much to you - please correct me if I'm wrong.

Yet these forums gave me space to share what was in my head. Over a number of years, I was able to expressed what was hidden within me, so that I feel great liberty now. I hope you will also feel the same when you connect with others here.

You deserve to live.

[Flotsam]

@SpaceInvaderz 

That is really difficult to have someone you care about and you can’t talk about them. Therapists are bound by confidentiality and they would not tell anyone what you disclose. They could offer a safe place for you to have those conversations, they may even give you a way to reach out to your loved one, maybe you could organise a phone call or send a care package. 

I have a member of my family in another state, unlikely to ever be released (mental illness psychosis led to the crime), my sister pretends he doesn’t exist, his sisters / brother don’t contact him. It is a really difficult situation. 

[SpaceInvaderz]

Thanks for the replies. 🙂

I'm in the process of seeking a new psychologist but it's difficult because it's been drilled into me to never speak about it. I've gone to many different psychologists since I was 10 but haven't been able to say a word about all this.

I do see them/ talk to them. That's particularly the problem, I think some part of me resents them. Every phone call recently I just haven't wanted to answer. I wish we could speak on our own terms, with me reaching out to them instead of the other way around. And with no officers listening in.