Useful resources
Did you know that 90% of interpersonal communication is conveyed with our body language and tone of voice?
That means that only 10% is the words themselves, and when communicating with only text and no other context cues, it’s easy to experience miscommunications, misunderstandings, and mix-ups!
This guide aims to provide some tips and guidance for navigating online conversations, helpful things to keep in mind, and some ways to approach conflict if it arises. Stay with us till the end, where we ask some discussion questions and invite members to share their experiences!
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To keep in mind
Most folks here have a trauma history, which can result in hypervigilance, rejection sensitivity, and presumptions about ill-intent. This can then lead to defensiveness, increased reactivity, and difficulty trusting the intentions of others. This is not a personal failing! This is just our survival system trying to keep us safe (even though it doesn’t always need to, and doesn’t always get it right). It is a helpful thing to remember when reading and replying to posts. Everyone is fighting their own battles out here!
We also have members with other communication barriers, such as:
- English as a second language
- Physical disabilities and chronic illness
- Members who are neurodiverse and use different styles of communicating
- Members with other developmental disabilities such as dyslexia
- Acquired Brain Injuries
- Computer illiteracy
Members are never obliged to disclose details such as these, and may not want to, so it is good to be aware of the possibility that another member may not be able to communicate the same way as we do.
Many of us also struggle with focusing, memory and recall, brain fog, and/or difficulty understanding new information (thanks, it was the trauma!). This can interfere with our comprehension and communication capabilities, making it much more likely for us to misunderstand one another.
The following tips aim to help guide our mindset as we interact with the community!
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Tips for Tip-Top Text-based Talking
Assume kindness
- Our members are known to be a caring and supportive bunch; if we always assume good intentions, it’s easier to resolve misunderstandings when they occur.
- We all have bad days. If someone is a little short with you or seems disengaged, it is almost always because of something else going on for them, and not because of you.
- Different social and cultural backgrounds means different styles of writing. Sometimes someone’s words might seem rude or judgemental based on your own experiences, but for that person, it may be their standard style and have no ill-intent whatsoever.
Watch Your Tone
- Did you read the above heading in the voice of an authority figure scolding you? I sure did. In my head it was harsh, commanding, and demoralising. But that’s not how it was meant. We all tend to automatically assign a tone to the words we read.
- When reading others’ posts, if you feel you are detecting a ‘tone’, it can help to try re-reading it in a more neutral tone, to see if the words still carry the same meaning.
- It can also help to re-read your own words before posting and trying different ‘tones’ in your mind to see if your words may be misunderstood.
Get curious
- It’s much easier to assume kindness when we approach with curiosity. If you find yourself feeling upset at someone’s words, it helps to take a step back and ask yourself, ‘Is this person really being rude, or could there be something else at play? Could I have misunderstood their intent?’
- If someone’s communication style seems odd, off-putting, or unusual, it’s likely there’s a reason behind it. For example, a person may seem very blunt, even rude, until you find out they’re neurodiverse and simply prefer straightforward communication.
Ask for clarity
- The best way to increase understanding is to simply ask (keeping in mind also that no one is obliged to answer if they don’t want to).
- It can be very easy to get caught up in our narratives and form a story of what we think someone else is saying to us. Asking for clarity isn’t just for clarifying meaning, but also to clarify intent or emotionality.
- If you’re feeling nervous or hesitant to ask or to check someone’s meaning, it can help to think to yourself, “How would I feel to be asked about this?”. The answer is usually, “Totally fine”, in my experience.
Be patient
- Everyone has their own stuff going on, and it may take some members a while to reply. Some folks like short, rapid-fire back-and-forth messaging, others prefer longer, more sporadic conversations. Both are valid.
- Sometimes our trauma history can make it difficult to trust others straight away. It’s okay if someone is not ready to share with you just yet. Some may never share everything and that’s okay too.
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Managing Conflict
Revise, re-read, re-visit
If someone has said something that feels upsetting, triggering, or mean, it can help to go back and re-read, then ask yourself, is the tone of voice my brain is attaching to their words accurate? Could they have meant something different? Am I reading between lines (making assumptions) when I shouldn’t? How else could this be interpreted?
Move towards the conflict
The vast majority of the conflicts we see occur on the forums are due to miscommunication and misunderstanding. The simplest way to resolve most conflicts is to talk to the person directly – seek clarity, express your feelings, and own any part you may have played.
We do understand that this is not always possible, particularly when it comes to conflicts arising from something other than miscommunication. That’s where our friendly Moderators, Peer Support Workers, and Community Leads can step in and provide mediation and support. Please don’t hesitate to reach out to us to assist in conflict resolution. We can also be a ‘second set of eyes’ on a situation – if you feel someone has said something unkind or that was otherwise triggering, but you’re unsure if you’re reading the meaning right, feel free to flick us an email and we can check things out.
Know when to step away
Sometimes, we can be hurt or triggered by something expressed on the forums and regardless of intent, we still feel wounded. When we’re feeling heightened, our ability to reason and think outside the box is greatly diminished. This makes it a lot harder to contemplate whether there could be an alternative meaning or intent behind someone’s words. Taking a step away from the forums until our stress response has eased off can help us to avoid unnecessary conflict, as well as ensuring that if there is conflict to be resolved, we are coming to the table with a clear head and open mind.
Learn to recognise reactivity
Almost all of us here have some kind of trauma history that influences how we respond to conflict. For some of us, it can mean that certain words, sentences, or associations will move us outside our Window of Tolerance and cause us to become quite reactive. Being in a reactive state usually means we’re more likely to assume the worst, and may feel the need to defend ourselves. This is where, in the past, we have seen small misunderstandings become major member conflicts, resulting in bans, loss of friendship, loss of feelings of safety, and members leaving the forums – all over a simple miscommunication.
Learning to recognise when we’re feeling heightened, emotional, or feeling the fires of anger, can help us to know when we might be in a reactive state. If that’s the case, it’s usually best to step away, engage in some self-care or connect with one of our other supports, and come back when we’ve returned to baseline.
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Questions for the Community!
- Is there anything that influences or alters the way you communicate, here or elsewhere online?
- Do you have any barriers or unique attributes to your communication?
- What do you do to manage them?
- Can you share a time where you experienced a miscommunication due to text-based communication? What was the outcome?
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Thanks for reading along gang! Feel free to ask questions, share tips and stories, or even any suggestions you might have to help make it easier for our community to communicate 😊
