Trying makes it worse

[EternalFlower]

Good point 

really struggling @TAB @wish i could forgive myself but I get stuck in anger of what I did and how it ended up

i didn’t mean what I said but I now can’t see him anymore and I feel like I am such a disaster of a human 

I thought it would be repairable 

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tyme I 

I was advised to wait a few weeks and try reach out but I think he already actioned my discharge and might feel too much shame to admit that he made a mistake and take me back

of course I hold small hope he will 

[EternalFlower]

RHank you @tyme @tyme 

@@yes I indicated my desire to discharge from his care which he got angry and then terminated 

[tyme]

Is he your case manager @EternalFlower or something?

I'm wondering if you can email the clinic/service and they pass on a letter to him. 

I hear how much support he has been for you and what are loss you are feeling.

[EternalFlower]

Hi @tyme @he is my private psychiatrist and we do weekly psychotherapy 

I am hoping to pass on a letter and my support coordinator offered to write me a support letter

we had a good rapport but my trauma means sometimes I just can’t trust and I feel we could have been a good pair if I hadn’t lashed out 

[TAB]

Well its done now , cant be helped. How does it help making yourself feel bad ? @EternalFlower 

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower 

when emotions are highly changeable it can be so hard...journalling is such a good idea.

you also posted .. "but felt exciting" about recovery ... just the little hopeful thoughts can be important

[EternalFlower]

I just feel deep down I did this and caused it and it can’t be fixed so sorry sounding so negative @TAB @Appleblossom just feels like it was not my choice or wish and got out of hand

he wrote I initiated it and wanted it but I actually told him I didn’t want to and he wouldn’t change his mind 

[TAB]

does this matter in any way ? @EternalFlower 

[Appleblossom]

@EternalFlower I was being silly trying to cheer you up.  Sounds as if he was like a life-line.  Letting go may feel terrifying.  I have had a hard time telling when to hang on and when to let go.

The whole gamut of our personalities can have conflicting urges and thoughts and feelings.  I do think @tonys idea re journalling would be helpful.  Get as much out on paper as you can.  It will be there for you to look over later, if you need.  Write all the good things and difficult things. Take as long as you need.  Dont get lost in the rabbit hole, tho ... Plan an activity for when you are done... whether it is colouring in, drawing, making a meal, watching a movie or a walk....

A part of you sent the email that he took seriously.  Forgiving yourself for the impulsivity. It is easy to send an email these days, but something must have driven that act, it might not have been totally a bad thing in the long run.  

I have mixed feelings about my counsellor, but at least we explicitly touched on it last session.  My personality is more stuck in FLIGHT mode where as hers is more in FIGHT mode.  Her bolshiness can put me off but it can also inspire me .... aahhh life!