Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Agnes1]

My sisters house is putrid. She has ndis, but cleaners quit after a short time. How do I tell her the house smells so badly and is so filthy, it would be driving them off? Over the years I’ve subtlety told her about it, here and there. But she fobs it off. Now she can’t understand why cleaners don’t last. I really don’t want to upset her, but I rarely go there myself, it’s so bad. I feel bad, but I need to keep my sanity. I used to help her, but it wasn’t worth it, as she’d do nothing to help herself. Should I just say outright it’s because her house is too much a health risk for people to go in there? She’s stubborn and hard to get through to. Her son lives with her and is as bad. 

[EternalFlower]

Hi i am on ndis and i think there id a shortage and hard time getting cleaners atm. So it is already tricky even if ur house is ok.

That must be really hard and upsetting to talk about. 

[tyme]

Hey @Agnes1 ,

It sounds like truth hurts. I'm sorry to hear how bad her house it. It sounds like she really needs support.

I hear you are concerned that she may get upset if you tell her. Yet at the same time, it may be something she needs to know so that she can get help?

If you do tell her, be prepared for a 'reaction'. 

Also, it would be good to consider 'HOW' and 'WHEN' you tell her.

For example, if you try and tell her when she is flustered and upset, it most likely wont go down well.

However, if you go out for coffee and gently ease into the conversation, it may go down better.

What do you think?

[HELEN262]

Hi Agnes1. I hope this blog finds you well.

From the perspective of a person with a mental health condition, I can tell you that if you have told her once and she doesn't listen, then she still won't listen no matter how many times you tell her and that's because she is tired, has little energy and still is not well enough to hear you. During my early diagnosis, just going to the letterbox was overwhelming so I get it. But I ate celery and carrots because I didn't want to have dishes, so my house wasn't in a terrible state like your sister's as you described.

I am not a counsellor so I am going on a ledge here but I think the reason your sister hoards and doesn't clean is because it is familiar and that makes her feel safe. Having your agency (power to act) taken away (even if it is only cleaning) can be as wonderful as it is frightening. You may have to whisk her up and take her to your house for lunch before you take any further steps (like going out for coffee and showering and wearing something clean and neat, which is something you can both do).

Whichever boundaries you choose (if you do), be kind, speak in a calm tone and never take your love away -be genuine, look after yourself and family and show her that you care. Our words are 7% effective in communication but our tonality is 38% effective. (Think of the word F*** - how many different tones there can be and how it changes the meaning of so many things).

In addition, sometimes writing a 'love letter' about all the things you love about your sister, to your sister, and some of the things you would like to ask her (without asking them in the letter) is a great way to be heard, even when it is hard to do.

I sincerely believe that language and words have enormous power and because of that, we have the duty to craft them carefully and the ability to craft them beautifully. 

I hope this helps.

Helen262

[tyme]

What a wonderful post @HELEN262 . Thank you so much for sharing. It means a lot to have this perspective for us all, not only @Agnes1  🙂

[HELEN262]

Hi tyme, 

I want to volunteer my services to teach workshops about the 'Ulysses Plan’. I believe the 'Ulysses Plan' has a larger audience than what was originally conceived and this can make a difference in the lives of people who most need it.

We are not people of ‘Dis’ Ability. We are people of ‘Different Abilities’. We are the people who recognise that we now live differently — we adapt, we are resilient but most of all we live an authentic and genuine life. 

I was first introduced to the ‘Ulysses Plan’ in 2013 during my Peer Worker course and have wrestled with it ever since and now that I have succeeded and finished my English and Creative Writing Degree, I ask myself what do I want to do first? My screenplay or these workshops? The answer is: these workshops. Writing is where I create but creating these strategies is why I breathe.

So, my question, tyme, is ‘How do I start?’

[tyme]

Hey @HELEN262 ,

Do you mean on the forums here or in general? It sounds very helpful @HELEN262 

[tyme]

Hey @HELEN262 ,

You are welcome to email us on team@saneforums.org if you want to discuss it further.

[Climatechange]

My daughter's flat is the same. I cleaned up for her for years, but too ld now, and really don't want to anymore. It returns to being a mess within a couple of days. Having NDIS come weekly has helped to stay 'on top of it'. No more mouldy coffee cups, stinking pots and pans. Certainly not 'clean', but manageable now.