Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[JustMe48]

I'm 48 years old and escaped the UK 10 years ago to live here in Australia.  I say "escaped" because that's how it felt.  I'd always had this longing, from a young age, to be anywhere but with my family.  In my early teens, I longed to jump on a bus and start a new life because no-one seemed to get me.  I never felt I belonged.  From a very young age, I craved my mother's validation and love ... sometimes it would be forthcoming and other times distant and disjointed. Dad sat on the fence and my sister craved attention from anywhere she could get it.  I stayed in the background, "the strong one" they called it.

There were times that I felt my mother was jealous of my relationship with my father and she made it known, "I might as well not be here with you two" and she meant it.   As I grew up, I became my mother's mother.  She relied on me heavily with her problems, her emotions, her need to be validated, her need to be loved and belong.  She often said "Don't tell you dad, he'll just get frustrated with me", so I started living with secrets.  Suicide talk, hatred for my sister "I love her because she's my daughter, but I don't have to like her", emailing me at work to say she was going to throw herself under a tram, cutting me off if I ever had a problem that I needed advice on, "I can't deal with your problems, let's not do coffee for a few weeks" was often the response.  She cut friends off that didn't agree with her or led different lifestyles.  Nothing bad, just each to their own kind of thing.  I loved some of those ladies.  They felt like mums' to me, giving me beauty tips that my mum never did. 

I eventually felt that this was my role, I had to help mum and she'd love me for it.  My mum needed me and it gave me a connection that I suppose, I always craved, but at the same time it made me feel I was missing something ... a mum.  I said to her once, "I don't just need a mum, I need a best friend too", to maybe see if I could have something from her, to have her say "I'm your mother only, if you want a best friend, you don't need me, my job's done".  Taken out of context.  If I went against her opinions, I was either "uneducated", "too young to know" or just "had never been through it like her".  This was my normal.  I turned to drinking because it was the only way I felt the courage to show who I truly was and would often go in for the hug or tell her how much I loved her, to get "You've had a drink, you get so maudlin when you drink" and that was rejection.

I grew into an anxiety ridden, agoraphobic person who feared the world.  I had to sit on the back of the bus, I could NEVER have anyone sat behind me.  I had horrific panic attacks and my life became a misery.  I knew at that point, I had to move away.  It was unhealthy for me to be where I was and I was resenting every visit, every comment.  I met my now husband and he had plans to come to Australia.  I'll be honest, I latched on.  Not initially for love - he was my escape plan. He saw what was going on and, like my mum, I pushed and pushed him away, was vile towards him at times, but his response was "You can be that way, but I know the real you deep down and I'm going nowhere.  This is years of hurt.  We can do this together". Thank goodness for strong men and seeing through my facade. 

We emigrated in 2010 and from the moment the plane touched the earth, I was free.  That weight that I had, it lifted off my shoulders.  I was a new person, happier and grateful to my husband for taking the chance in me.  Just knowing there was 10,000 miles between me and the life I had was enough.  I have never suffered from a panic attack since or had any self-confidence issues.  I reinvented myself and now absolutely adore my husband (my saviour) and have two children who I absolutely, hands down, have put my heart and soul into.  I WILL NOT LET HISTORY REPEAT ITSELF and so far, they are confident, amazing kids with a very loving mum, if not overprotective at times.

Now, in 2023, my mother has been breaking down.  Over the course of the last five years she's had serious seizures, loss of memory, aggression and outbursts.  She was sectioned under the Mental Health Act 7 weeks ago and still remains a medical anomaly that no medical professional will diagnose.  She is talking about suicide, she screams that she wants to go home, but they won't release her, she wants to divorce my dad, she's hateful, spiteful and she has no real memory of any of us, just rare lucid moments where she suddenly remembers again, then back to the start.  The scans, the EEGs, the numerous tests, nothing.  No diagnosis, just trying out different medications and seeing where it leads.  I am positive it's BPD, but no-one wants to go there just yet.  We, as a family, are in a world of "What is going on?".

They've tried to put her in a home just last week and she attacked the ambulance crew and the nursing home staff, so they readmitted her back to the hospital, so what now?

The crux of the message is, why do I feel so in limbo?  I can't grieve.  I said to my dad recently that I felt we were born to keep him, because he was her world, and later to mother her.  The response wasn't "Oh no, she always wanted you and she loved just talking with you", it was ....nothing ...he couldn't answer me.  Hit to the guts right there.  I feel so much resentment inside for my childhood and growing up towards her, but now, I feel guilty for not understanding and sad for her.  I'm angry and upset at the same time.  I want to tell her to "Pack it in and wake up!" because she's always been so melodramatic, created dramas and been down on life, but I know that isn't helpful.  How am I suppose to feel? I'm 10,000 miles away and my dad said "Don't come back, she doesn't know you and seeing her only in the flesh would be too hard" and you know what?  What my dad doesn't know is, I don't want to.  Why does that feel so bad, but yet I feel sadness for her?  Why don't I feel that love that everyone else feels about their mothers?  Most would be on the next plane ... I'm having such an awesome life, I don't want to face that reality.  Is that so wrong?

Please, anyone, can you relate?  I need some guidance.  Thank you sincerely.

[hanami]

Hi @JustMe48 

Welcome to the forums. I'm one of the peer workers here at SANE. 

I can understand that feeling of escaping. While I didn't leave my country, leaving my home that I grew up in to start my new life with my husband gave me that same feeling. I always felt like my mother made me feel like I wasn't enough for her. Like I was there for her in some way whereas she shoud have been there for me. She would say things to me like 'what do you want from me'. And I would think, what a stupid question, I just want you to be my mum. It made me feel like I should be doing more as a daughter (like I remember being only 9 or 10 at the time!). Now I wonder if she had me to keep my dad too. I would never ask but the thought is there. I live about 30 minutes from her, not quite the same distance as you lol. 

So I'm thinking it's totally understandable (to me) that you feel you don't want to return home. I mean if you wanted to, then that's okay too. But I can understand all of your mixed feelings. It must be a mindf***! What does your husband say about it all. Mine has always been so great and understanding. He is astonished at some of the things my mother has done/said over the years too. 

Warmest wishes

Hanami

[tyme]

Hi there @JustMe48 ,

Welcome to the forums. Thank you for sharing what's been happening for you.

I'm sorry to hear how things have been for you, yet well done on making the move to better yourself.

I'm here, speaking as someone with BPD. I could relate to everything you shared about your mother, sadly. 

Now, having been on a journey of recovery, it actually think you have made the wisest and best decision for yourself and your family. Your mother is not well, yet would she be well if you stayed with her? Most likely not. 

I'm not saying your mother has BPD, but one things I know for sure is that I always encourage people to set boundaries with their beloved borderlines. It doesn't mean you don't love her, or you don't care, but you need to look after yourself.

As a borderline, I was dependent on particular people and felt I couldn't live without them. Looking back, I would've leeched off them and sucked life out of them. Yet, I can remember one person in particular, who was very strong and a yes was yes and a no was no. She never wavered from what she said. She set very clear boundaries, communicated them to me and walked away when I emotionally couldn't cope.

And you know? Because she stuck by these boundaries, I felt safe with her. I felt I could trust her. I respected her. Yet she continued to live her life, and still does - and so should you.

Send your mum a message to know you are thinking of her. But set your boundaries about when you will and won't speak to her e.g. each call will be 15 mins, and within certain time periods. Trust me, I tried to push boundaries. If people said that they could only speak 15 mins, I'd push it to 16, then 17 and so on - this was a way to reassure myself that the person was willing to break their word for my sake... sounds weird, but that was my BPD brain.

Thank god I don't do that anymore 🙂 Recovery IS possible.

[JustMe48]

My husband has been so understanding about it. He comes from a semi-dysfunctional family too, albeit it on a different level, but he gets it. He's had similar feelings about his own family, so I guess, you could say we're a team. He saw first hand before we came out here what she could be like. My mother adored my husband to the point, I felt he should have been her son and me the daughter-in-law. Almost like the people that should have been closest to her were put the furthest away. It used to be a mindf*** every day back in the UK, but having that distance now has allowed me to find myself and be me. I'm still confused about how I should feel. My dad seems to want her to be diagnosed with something so he can have that "light bulb moment", even if it means a brain tumour, but I have gotten to the point where I've needed to get firm and say "She's a child of mind right now that needs barriers putting in place and everyone is tip toeing on eggs shells around her which is feeding the fire". It's not what they want to hear, but my dad is slowly coming to terms with a few hard facts. I still feel awful about the things I say, she's my mum and I know deep down she is a beautiful person, but the hurt doesn't just subside. It's good to hear that there are others out there that can relate and it makes me feel better about how I feel to know that. We can love these people for who they are and the life they gave us, but it's also, I guess, acceptable to also distance yourself for your own well-being. Had I not, I would have been a replica of her now. I can only be grateful for the chance I have been given. Thanks so much for your understanding. It truly means a lot.

[JustMe48]

Hi Tyme,

It's great that you have taken the time to explain it from your perspective, as someone with BPD. I think, I've always known since a small child that there was something peculiar about the way my mum worked. She put so much heart and soul into other children and other people in general, always the big helper, the "Look at me! Look how great I am!" to then be in bed and me taking her tea and toast to get her up on a morning. It was almost like living in two separate worlds. As I grew, the separation got more as she could not accept that with growth comes alternative opinions and wanting to do more things and in a different way. The control she had, in her eyes, was lost and that's when the manipulation and putting in a "wedge" between my father and I came, pitting me off against my sister and being very sneaky about how she did things to always come out the victim. She even favoured a boy who stole all my 21st birthday jewellery and property because "He'd had a bad upbringing and life.  It's a shame". He stole all my sentimental items for a drug hit and "Oh, it's a shame". How can that be right?

Look, I know my mother, deep down, is a very beautiful person and has mental health issues stemming from, what I believe, to be her own upbringing where her mother was exactly the same (and I didn't like being around her either as a child). I know she can be that "happy go-lucky and secure" person because there were rare moments of "there she is, my mum", but they were so short-lived and often, it was like they never happened.

I could go on, but reading your story and thinking about my own take on it, I know she is suffering from a mental health issue. I sympathise and I am empathetic. I wouldn't wish this on anyone, BUT and here's the BUT ... I have told her for as long as I can remember in my adult life to go and get help, to accept that she has something going on and she needs to get on top of it before it ruins her life. She chose not to. She chose the drama, the maliciousness, the sneakiness, the victim parade and everything else over what I was asking her to do. She chose that over being a mother to me. That makes me angry because now ...

... my mother is currently sectioned in a mental ward with no real memory of any of her family. She thinks my father is her dad and she has no recollection of who I am. She started to have self-induced seizures 4 years ago and has completely lost all sense of reality. She's aggressive, she's violent, she's suicidal and she WILL NOT take the help.  I am so angry.  She's ruined her life to the point of this and yet for years ... years ... I've been telling her to stop.  Therefore, I can't message her or have that interaction.  All I can do is send my dad messages from afar to tell the doctors to get something secure in place, familiarity and stop this before it manifests further.  All her tests are negative, there is nothing wrong with her, just a lot of mental health and the need for treatment.  Pumping her with drugs and sedating her is, in my opinion, barbaric, but at the same time, I'll be honest ... I resent her for it.

I am so open to mental health.  It's a debilitating disease as with anything.  I just want to point out though that the important thing here is, YOU got the help.  Getting the help makes me "breath in deeply" and it blows me away.  If my mum had have done the same ... wow, where would we be now?  I am so proud of you for that and I mean that sincerely.  You chose life.  You chose to be a better person and be happy.  I absolutely admire you for that.  I wish my mum could do the same.

Thanks so much for your reply.  I really appreciated it.