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Jezza1
New Contributor

Where to go from here

Hi,

Ive just signed up to this to give it ago. I am a 33 year old male living with alot of mental health issues.

I grew up with alot of trauma being in a cult, and witnessing my dads death at the age of 10 .

Brutally bullied mentally and physically, living in poverty as I hit early teens I used excessive amount of illicit drugs and alcohol to escape,  this lead to using other drugs which I used every few days for the season untill one night I had smoked an excessive amount and gone out to a metal gig with mates and drank alot of alcohol , then returned home smoked more and remembered about some  other substances I had drying out I gulped these down and before they kicked in I passed out , when the substance got into my system I woke.

I was paralysed the trip was so intense I was convinced I was going to die.

After this I came clean to clear my head and to this day I still see these visuals and witness episodes of intense hallucinations.

In my early adult hood I took on an apprenticeship in landscape construction.

My first boss abused me mentally and physically,  through the 4 years I had 2 chronic mental break downs ( which later in life i found out were phycotic episodes) where I was put on heavy anti phycotics so my body and mind could rest. I managed to complete my apprenticeship and my new coping mechanism became work.

After a big falling out with my first boss I was employed by a commercial landscaping company.

At this time I was with my wife and she was pregnant with my first child.

I learnt to accept my visuals and just to get on with life but with out proper support by the time I hit 26 I had another big break down ( phycotic episode)  leading me to a phyciatrists who diagnosed me with adult autism which explains why u was never accepted ect.

I also explained all my symptoms I have expirienced since the drug use.

She believed it was traits of schizophrenia.

She put me on antiphycotic medication which inturn affected my ability to work , so after going back time and time again and trying numerous medications.

At this time my wife had just had my daughter and had nearly died giving birth due to a hemridge. She was suffering with many mental health issues.

I ended up in hospital and spent 3 weeks in then transferred to a facility to get back in to living.

The docs decided to take me off the anti phycs and put me back on a anti Depressant I was on before all of this happened.

So I felt like I was back at square 1.

Although I had a young family I mentally gave up so I started smoking substances again and it just became the norm for me. I smoked it before I went to work, during if I could hide it and then after.

I maintained a full time job but after a few months I needed more and more to get the same affect.

After 2 years I was taking drugs excessively. After excessive use the issues out weighed the reason I was useing it so I tried to quit. Not knowing that numbing the nureon receptors for so long would create a shock to the system when they were no longer numb. This lead me to another mental break down. But with support I came clean and Instead of turning to drugs I started working my full time job and doing week end work , working 6 to 7 days a week.

Which was a coping mechanism along with a cleaning routine linked with ocd.

Because I worked in large groups and I had little to no social skills this lead to arguments and fights with other workers. I was once again bullied and used to get jobs done because they new if they didn't do it I would.

I had thought of suicide and ways to do it but I never could go through with it as I was very good at my job and used that as something to hold onto.

So that's what I did I new my job inside and out.

 

 

I literally just wrote the rest of this and tried to submit it but lost the ending of it.

 

I now run my own successful buisness but live in fear of what is next.

I am on antiphycotics which help but the vivid dreams and hallucinations don't go away.

Ive been told with my condition I should not be working but it's all I know and I will succeed further before my mental health completly deteriates.

 

3 REPLIES 3

Re: Where to go from here

Wow @Jezza1 ,

 

I am in awe of your resilience and perseverance. As difficult as it may be to accept, you have defied the odds and come leaps and bounds. 

 

I'm sorry how difficult life has been - so many challenges. Yet I see your courage and strength shining through.

 

I'm not a doctor, but the effects of heavy drug use can be long lasting. The damage done is often irreversible. My brother-in-law smoked everything under the sun - why? because he was sexually abused as a child. He is clean now, but is on likfetime antipsychotics because he knows he has a family to keep. When talking to him, I can see irreversible damage has been caused. Yet he continues to press on despite the odds. I'm not saying it's easy, but it is now a life worth living.

 

As for myself, I have chronic suicidal ideation due to my condition. It used to upset me, but now I take it with a grain of salt. I just let the thoughts come and go. 

 

Just keep holding on. You are such a major inspiration.

Re: Where to go from here

Hi @Jezza1 ,

 

I don't know much about drug and alcohol abuse but there have been plenty of books written about cult survivors and tv shows, there seemed to be plenty of them in the 80s. I understand the emotional abuse and scarring can be very extreme. At the end you said you were managing to work even though you've been told you shouldn't be. You said you have a child, I can understand that changes everything, it's hard to make ends meet on any kind of pension. Have you been told your mental health will get worse? Do you think that's correct?

Re: Where to go from here

Thank you for your message.
I havnt been told it will get worse but it is getting worse as I get older so I'm going on expirience.
Triggers will make it worse and most triggers are unavoidable unless I live in a box.
I have alot to live for and I am not suicidal.
Just want awareness of the demons we all fight on a daily bases, some alot more then others but looking in from the out side no one knows what's under the mask and the battle we all fight to just not give in.
The battle in my head is how many more triggers and life stresses can I cope with because they all just add extra weight.
Im sure so many can relate.
Mental health is real and for some its so real that's its unreal!
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