Husband recently diagnosed.

[Gemini2]

Hi everyone, this is my first time here. 

A little bit of background info......

Approx 3 months ago I separated with my husband of 15 years and he has now recently been diagnosed with BPD.

We still get along and communicate as well as we can. We have children together. 

It has been a very rough and toxic 15yr marriage. For me. And for the kids. Looking back, I always new there was something not quite right, but somehow he would always turn it around to me and I always questioned if it was me causing the problems and tried extremely hard to fix everything and "do the right things". The fighting was terrible and many many hurtful things have been said. I am definitely not the person I used to be. 

I have secluded myself and walked on egg shells for years now and I am finding it hard to get out of that. 

He is now trying to "make ammends" and wants to try and fix our marriage. I think I still love him, but I question if I love what "could be" and not "what is" and I am not sure if I want to try again and also want to do what is best for the kids. It has taken so much out of me to get this far. I have tried to leave him in the past. We have been down this road many times before when he has promised change, but nothing changed, although he never got help until now. He says this is different because he now has a diagnosis and seeing a doctor and on medication etc. But I still feel a bit like I am being manipulated back into the situation. I also don't believe he would stay committed to treatment if things just went back to "normal".

I get lots of messages that he cant live without me and it feels almost like threats of suicide without actually saying so. Suicide is definitely something I worry about and I do believe he is capable of doing that to himself.  I never know how or when to not respond or go running and offer support. He is very demanding of my time. He will not open up to anyone else and has no other support. I am finding it very hard to even get a minute to myself. I fi don't answer a text immediately, 50 more will follow and a lot of the messages don't even make sense. This is the first time in his life that he has ever been alone and he is obviously really struggling. 

I am still learning about BPD and have been doing lots of reading. 

If there are any resources anyone can recommend to me or advice of any kind I would appreciate it. 

Thank you 

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @Gemini2,

Welcome to the forums, and thank you for sharing your story.

It sounds like you’ve been through an incredibly challenging time, and understandably, you’re feeling conflicted and exhausted.

It’s important to acknowledge how strong you’ve been to get this far, especially while trying to navigate a difficult relationship.

It’s encouraging that your husband is now getting a diagnosis and treatment, but your feelings of caution are very valid. It’s natural to hope for change, but past experiences can make it hard to trust that things will be different this time. 

Regarding his messages and the self-harm/suicide, it's okay to establish boundaries to protect your mental health. Are you involved in his care team? Would it be possible for you to communicate with his healthcare professionals regarding this? 

https://saneforums.org/t5/Forums-Blog/What-is-borderline-personality-disorder-BPD/ba-p/1051940 

https://www.sane.org/information-and-resources/facts-and-guides/borderline-personality-disorder - This might be helpful in finding some new resources and for reading

I hope other members with similar experiences can provide insight and support to you, please keep connecting on here ❤️

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Gemini2 

Welcome to the forums. I have BPD, among other things. There are various forms of therapy available for your husband, a commonly recommended one for BPD is Dialectical Behavioural Therapy (DBT). In DBT one of the things I was taught is that a relationship has to be “win win” or the relationship is a “no deal”. Do you feel that the relationship is a win for you? 

I’m sorry things have been so tough for you, I’m sure you will find acceptance and help on these forums. Good on you for being willing to research the topic. 

[Gemini2]

Thanks Ainjoule,

The relationship has definitely not been a win for me, in fact there has been so much hurt that I find it hard to think of any good times. They are all clouded with "Oh and then that fight happened". 

i have read that DBT is helpful. Unfortunately, I'm not sure how else to explain it, but he is a very blokey  bloke. He has never believed that talking, councilling or any other therapy is any good. And I am really not sure that he will ever take part in anything like that. 

I in the past have had some councilling, explored holistic health, essential oils, anti-depressants even hypnotherapy, etc. And he has always criticised me. He is not a talker and will only communicate deeply when he has hit rock bottom. 

This is where I find it hard to know if what he says is true or if it is just a manipulation. He seems to only go to these sort of extremes when he sees no other option to get me to do what he wants, and then once he gets that, well then things just go back to the same behavior. 

I know it is different now as he has actually admitted there is a problem and is seeking help, but I am still very cautious. And need to do right by the kids, they have been through enough. But the kids don't know the ins and out and cant understand why I am will not work on things. He says all the right things to them. And to me. He explains that it is different this time and that now he understands himself and why he behaves the way he does and that he will never behave that way again because he is learning how to control it. But he will then throw in that the only way he can change and be a better person is if he is with me and I help him. 

[Gemini2]

Hi, 

thank you for your response. 

I will have a read through the links you shared. 

Unfortunately, I am not involved with his doctors. I was initially when he was first admitted to hospital, but then he shut me out. Saying it's personal and did not want me involved. 

At this stage, he has been released from a mental health care facility for approx 3 weeks now. As far as I know, he was diagnosed in the mental health facility and now he only sees a GP every 2 or 3 weeks to get his prescriptions filled for ADHD medication (Aspen), which he was diagnosed with at the same time.  He has refused to see a psychologist since he was released and I do not believe he will see one in the future as he has always been against that idea. 

I don't know how else to describe it, but he is a very blokey bloke. He does not talk or want anyone to know anything about any of this. Everything is very secretive. His appearance to others is everything!

[tyme]

Hearing you @Gemini2 ,

I lived with BPD for a long time. I was high functioning and seemed to do very well in society. I think 'masking' is a survival tactic. 

Upon reflection, it was coming home and where I really just 'let go' and took the mask off. And unfortunately, it meant I hurt the people closest to me.

I recognise it takes a lot of effort to mask...

I wonder if you/he can relate to this?

[Ainjoule]

Hey @Gemini2 

One of my friends always says that one plus one equals two and what she means is that each person in a relationship has to be able to feel as though they are whole on their own before entering into a successful partnership. If the relationship is not a win for you then maybe you need time to heal and work our where to go from there? And on one hand, as you are likely aware people with BPD often have a fear of abandonment. On the other hand I, as someone with BPD, prefer people to set clear boundaries as it lowers my anxiety. Of course, I can't speak to his experience of BPD. Either way, I hope things improve for both you and him. Sounds like you have been through a lot. 

[Gemini2]

Alot of things I have read so far have mentioned boundaries. But I have not found anything that describes that in more detail. 

Any chance you could give me some examples?

What sort of boundaries? How do you go about putting them in place and agreeing to them? What to do when the boundaries are broken? Etc.

[Gemini2]

Yes, 100% can relate to this. 

When he is at his lowest, although it is rare, he will honestly speak to me. Once he said to me that he doesn't know why he does it, but he thinks it's because he is upset and hurting and he wants me to feel the same. Another time he told me that he can change himself and be a different person depending on the people he is around and admitted he manipulates people and situations to go in his favour. When he has been in this honest state of mind, he is quite upset and remorseful. But once it is over it will all go unspoken, like it never happened, and then straight back to those eggshells. 

He can be a completely different person in front of or around other people and as soon as we are behind closed doors the unforeseen rage would happen. In the later years I could sense what was coming hours before being alone with him, sometimes even days before it happened which would leave me constantly walking on eggshells waiting for it and trying not to provoke it in any way. I could never work out what the trigger was. To me it just seemed to be the simple fact that he had to hold back and pretend or "mask" his true feelings and it would build to the point of explosion. It seemed to happen anytime he was or had been around anyone other than myself and our kids.

Yet the explosion once home would be over something that did not even seem real or worth exploding over. For example, a light being left on or I would be accused of "controlling everything" if I made a booking at a restaurant. 

This slowly broke me I guess you could say. I stopped speaking to friends or family as I was constantly accused of telling them things that he didn't want them to know or just him being mad at me, giving me the silent treatment for days etc. I began to see it as not worth the fighting and it was affecting the kids, so I just stopped. But then, even just a trip to the park with the kids would end in an explosion over nothing and then accusations towards the kids that it was because of their behavior etc.

He began not coming home until very late and we just crossed paths once a day. One last explosion ended the relationship. But now, everything is contradicting. He has finally sought help and wants desperately to fix our relationship and is blaming all the wrongdoings on his recent diagnosis. I know he is genuinely upset, hurting, confused and scared. But the way he speaks to me sometimes still feels very manipulative "Even the doctors have told me that I need your support to get through this".

[Ainjoule]

Excellent questions @Gemini2 

So I have a friend who also has BPD. Sometimes they have called me in distress and are at risk of self harm. My boundary is that if you call me for help and you are at risk of harm then expect me to call in help, for example an ambulance. This is too avoid situations that get messy where the person calls me indicating they want help but then at the same time they want to say they don't really need the help and they want to keep on doing what they are doing...putting me in an awkward situation, and increasing my levels of stress.

If your husband doesn't self harm then there may be other boundaries he crosses like situations when you want personal space or you feel overwhelmed and not open to communication. It's healthy to be able to set a boundary to say that you want to take time alone or you want to set a specific time to have an in depth conversation. It's also healthy to have a boundary that you don't tolerate abuse e.g. abusive language, etc. What do you do if the boundaries are broken, I guess it depends on what it is but you might for example remove yourself from the conversation or situation. 

Other kinds of boundaries you might set are, for example: defining what support you are able and willing to offer him.  You might encourage the involvement of mental health professionals. As you say he is a blokey bloke and he might choose not to seek professional help but you can clarify with him that you are not a substitute for a mental health professional and you can't be expected to fulfil that role.

It's not really a issue of mutually coming to an agreement about what boundaries are to be implemented so much as you setting the limits for what you are and are not willing to accept. You are letting him know that for your comfort and safety these are the rules and limits to his behaviour that you are willing to accept. Consistency is also important here. How to set boundaries: calmly and clearly explain them to him. It's better to avoid language that ascribes nefarious intent, e.g. people with BPD often get accused of manipulation for example when trying to get our needs met. From our perspective the emotion is often distress rather than a deliberate attempt at manipulation. But having said that you don't and shouldn't need to accept inappropriate behaviour. And a lot of what you have described is not appropriate behaviour.

When attempting to explain your feelings try using 'I statements' like "I feel anxious when you raise your voice" rather than something like "You freak me out when you scream". And if you get into situation where you feel he is not listening to you try the 'broken record technique' i.e. you repeat a precise statement that explains your expectation of him and describes the consequence of not following through e.g. "I feel anxious when you raise your voice and I will have to end this conversation if you continue".  

I acknowledge that all these techniques are good in theory but hard to put into practise.