Lived Experience Forum

[M12]

I'm happy to be back on here, as I remember that it wasn't around that time that my current episode had first begun. It was embarrassing, frightening, upsetting, all at the same time. It's funny though, I'm wondering if it had to happen, somehow. It's left me with many unanswered questions, but then, I am working with a therapist. The main point that I ponder is whether or not there's wrong with me, cause I think I've always been like 'this', whatever 'this' is. Oh yeah, I've got bipolar. If only to be able to forget that fact for a while, how sweet life could be. But could it? Cause obviously I don't know what life without 'it' would be like, cause it is me. I feel like I'm dying out here, dying of apathy and somnolence. I haven't worked in years, and the longer I don't the worse it gets. Days are spent with nothing to do, and I'm so lonely. Been in bed all day today. Is just wrong for a 41 year old guy. Been thinking about an ex from 5 years ago and realise they'll never be another like her especially seeing as I have bipolar, the great curse. Is that why I'm so tired all the time? I've understood that everyone needs something to aim at, a goal. With goals come hope, despite what people say. So, at 41, I've decided to go back to school to study science at certificate or high school level, to see once and for all whether or not there's a career there. Is humbling seeing as I used to teach high school. Anyway I keep pondering for answers. My latest methods are to enjoy the smallest of things: sitting in my chair reading, meditating, sleeping, walking in the sun. And yet, I'm really lonely. A support group told me recently that I lack confidence, and it's true. So much so that recently I've wondered whether or not I was in some way retarded, and that's nothing against differently abled people. It's just this shame that I feel over how my life has turned out. Oh well, hope everyone's well.

[Fancy_Pants]

Hi @M12

Welcome back 🙂

It sounds like you are still struggling with many challenges and questions but despite this you are in a better place than you were and you are brave enough to look for the future you want by working with a therapist and going back to study. And i really like your focus on appreciating / enjoying the small things, they are what makes a bigger difference in our overall happiness as there is more of them more often 

Just wondering what aspect/s of science interest you? you mention a doctor, do you mean a GP or other kind? Ive always been fascinated by genetics (although my understanding is severely limited - never studied it) 

you mentioned that your lonely, have you ever popped in on the social pages here? Just checking in   or   Anyone feel like chatting or weekly friday feast (which usually spills over to other days :))

[Former-Member]

To answer your titled question- I hope so. I'm currently studying in a hope to get into medicine, but I too worry that I am 'emotionally retarded' and thus would be unable to do the job. I think it's wonderful you want to study science and see where that leads you. You're never too old/late to learn new things. I wish you all the best.

[M12]

Thanks for both of these responses. They've both really helped.

In answer to the questions, I'm not really sure which aspects of science I'm interested in. Am at the library, and have borrowed a book on science, and am reading it to see whether or not I can grasp the concepts. On that, I was looking at another book that suggested that intelligence is not fixed, and that there are two different schools of thought on intelliegence - one, where it is fixed, and the other that it can be grown, so I thought that that was heartening.  Can emotional intelligence be grown also? I worry, because I seem to spend so much time alone, and after a while it really starts to hurt, that emotionally I'm stunted.

I love the idea that it's never too late to do anything. Somehow, I think I need to find a way to stop feeling so sorry for myself all the time. Not only that, there is a healthy dose of shame in there that I'm not working, and have been living on government allowance for so long. And the shame really hurts too.

I started out with such high hopes that have all been shared by the family, and none of them have come about. One thing I have learned recently, or perhaps relearned, is seeing the value in completing very small tasks, even to the point of just getting out of bed.

I know that I've got a long way to go in my recovery, it's just, I wish there were others that I could share with. 

[utopia]

@M12. There are some wonderful books out there about how our brains are plastic and can be taught new thoughts, etc. They are fascinating to read and really uplifting.
The reality is we can do anything we want. There might be challenges to overcome, but that's part of life. Find a way around or through or over those challenges.
It's never too late.
Your post has inspired me tonight- right when I needed a little pep talk myself. Si, thank you.

[Former-Member]

Hi @M12,

I think it's wonderful that you have recommended study once again - goals are important. Keep going.

My friend please don't let bi-polar define you. A big misperception. We are not bi-polar, we are not cancer, we are not depression, we are not heart disease - we are not a disease. We are unique individuals and it's our choices in life that defines who we are; our values, strengths, passions, goals, purpose, interests, compassion, likes, dislikes  - our unique individuality - that is who we are. The latter is what we work on to define that person - growing within. Weeding out the negative through life lessons.

With hard work and in the right conditions we can achieve most things we put our minds to. We need to do our best to achieve and if doing all that and it does not work out - it was not meant to be and another door opens that will lead us to what is. It's never black or white.

Mental disorders/physical disease can be controlled and sometimes cured. It's only a curse if we believe that. Once you stop letting it define you - watch your confidence grow as you get to know the real you 😊 Welcome to Sane.

[utopia]

@Former-Member - beautifully said. ♥♥♥

[Kurra]

Hi @M12 @utopia @Former-Member @Former-Member @Former-Member

The older I become the more I realise that there is very little in our lives, our world that is absolutely impossible.

SAB (schizoaffective bipolar type) blew my world apart and destroyed a very successful career. Being a stubborn and headstrong creature I looked at other careers that interested me, went back to uni and built a new career in a completely different area.

In the meantime I've also managed to rebuild my first career and more importantly I have been able to change the reputation I had acquired during the worst of my illness to a positive one.

Go for it @M12 and @Former-Member. You can do this. Yes, it does mean a lot of head down stuck in the books.

If you really want to do medicine, you can and will get there. Just make sure that you develop a high degree of stubbornness and pig-headedness.

I look forward to hearing about your achievements. Hugzzz 💕 🎶

[Former-Member]

Hi @M12, how are the plans for study going? Are you enrolling in a formal course, or going it alone? Both have their advantages 🙂 I'm pretty sure you can do the HSC at tafe for free - so you might be able to take a science course or two for free too?

@Former-Member - when do you hear about your course? Wishing you luck!

[M12]

Hi. I've enrolled in a certificate 3 in science. Am both excited and nervous about it. Have borrowed a book from the library that goes over the history of science, so am plowing into that. It's a good course to start the ball rolling.

Thanks for asking.

My latest issue is that I feel a sadness for my life. Where did the time go? Everywhere, it hits me, I'm still single, and unemployed. What happened? I sit in cafes and study and see young families and feel sadness that this hasn't happened for me. I read a lot. In order to answer all these questions, I suppose. I suppose I should be grateful that I live in a country where it is possible to re-invent oneself. It's just, I feel such shame at my status. This shame, for me, turns into a bone-deep apathy which only makes me feel worse. I suppose shame does one no good, and doesn't help. I suppose that it's obvious and true that we cannot change the past, it's just, I'm in shock I think, that all of my previous study seems to have amounted to nothing, and the size of the task in front of me, if I'm ever going to make it, and that I'm 41, and that I'm still unemployed. The worst is that having the diagnosis and being out of work for so long has really hurt my confidence, I think. The worst is the loneliness and the lack of structure. I'm ashamed to say that some days, I've struggled to even get out of bed. I'm too frightened to date, but worse, don't know any women anyway, worse still, my ego doesn't allow for it, as I feel like such a failure. Worse still, I'm frightened of failing the course and having nothing at all. Still, I suppose, there's always something that I can study that can lead to work. Not working for so long has made me nervous. I suppose there's strategies I can put in place. Probably I'm focusing all my attention on the course, which starts on February 2.

I've discovered Ekhart Tolle and he really calms me down, so I listen to him as much as possible and try not to compare myself with others, but that's hard cause I think it's in my nature to analyse, but maybe that's the same for everyone.

What about you. Where are you up to? Thanks for asking.