Lived Experience Forum

[Former-Member]

HOLIDAYS, FAMILY AND DEPRESSION: SURCIVAL GUIDE

There is no good time of the year to have mild to moderate depression. Once the end of the year holiday season rolls around, it isn’t a matter of dealing with the same routine day in and day out. Now there are holiday parties to attend, relatives to see, and other expectations that are either of your own making or imposed by others. While it may not seem possible, you can survive the holidays, including time that you feel must be spent with relatives you would rather avoid. Here are some tips that will help.

Talking Things Over With Your Therapist

Whether you are remaining near home or traveling across the country, it makes sense to have one or two extra sessions with your therapist. The goal of those sessions is to identify everything that would likely cause you distress in the weeks to come. Having the chance to talk things over ahead of time provides the opportunity to come up with coping resources that help you feel more prepared.

For example, you know that at least a couple of days will be spent around a relative that you barely speak to the rest of the year. That individual tends to find fault with everything. Knowing that the last thing you need in your life right now is more negativity, talking with your therapist provides some ideas on what you can do for your own well being when the relative starts to criticize everyone and everything in sight. A few ways to effectively create a mental barrier between you and your Scrooge of a relative won’t make those encounters all sunshine and rainbows, but they will make it possible for you to get through the time relative unscathed.

Balance Social Engagements with Time for Yourself

Many people feel they must accept every invitation that comes their way. While you don’t need to spend an inordinate amount of time by yourself, realize that some alone time is not out of the question. It’s fine to say you already have plans and won’t be joining the family for a Sunday brunch the week before Christmas, or can only stop by for a couple of hours on New Year’s Day. Seek to find some balance in your schedule so that you do spend more time with those who get where you are right now and less time around those who don’t understand that depression is more than something you shake off at will.

Simplify Your Contributions Instead of Stressing Out

Stress is not your friend as you work through depression. In fact, too much stress will complicate things more than most people realize. As your therapist or counselor is likely to advise, come up with ways to contribute to family gatherings but alleviate some of the time and effort you have to invest in making those contributions.

This year, forget about preparing a ham or baking a cake from scratch. Call a bakery and order a cake instead. You can also order a pre-cooked ham with ease. Have a local delicatessen or restaurant prepare any side dishes that you would normally make for a party or dinner. It’s not about saving time; it is about taking care of tasks you feel that must be done without the usual amount of stress.

Apply the same approach to gift giving. Instead of plunging into the frenzy at the local shopping centers, settle into a chair with your smartphone, laptop, or tablet. Make a quick list of what you’d like to get for loved ones and order everything online. There will be no rush, no rude shoppers or counter associates to deal with. You’ll be surprised at the way this approach does not tire you out or leave you feeling even more unhappy with the world around you.

Safe Places Are for People with Depression Too

You know from a friend who suffers with an anxiety disorder that having what’s known as a safe place is important. For you, that can be a place you go when things start to get a little overwhelming. When relatives get into heated discussions or the youngsters are getting on your nerves, have a place that you can visit and enjoy some quiet time. It could be a park that’s in easy walking distance from a relative’s home, a nearby coffee shop, or even some part of the house that others rarely visit.

No Is an Appropriate Word

By all means, be as involved in the holiday merry making as you want. When things start to get out of hand, it’s okay to step back and say no. You don’t owe anyone an explanation and you certainly don’t need their permission. Relatives who have some idea of what you are dealing with right now will understand and not press the issue or be upset. Those who wish to be offended will get that way no matter what you do anyway, so don’t allow them to give you a ride on the guilt train.

Remember that depression will only be with you for a time. Eventually, you will have your life back and once again feel able to cope with the madness of the holidays. For now, come up with strategies to navigate those social events and still provide yourself with time to concentrate on healing.

~ PsychCentral

[Former-Member]

hello @Former-Member

some wonderful reminders of how we can help ourselves.

I am so very good at helping everyone else, thinking of how they are feeling. I somehow completely blank myself out of the equation.

Have been in practice so main thing for me these days is to bite my tongue.

Hence the smile is just so useful for me.

I also use the bathroom a fair bit as an escape.

go out in to the garden stating how lovely to get some air.

the relatives i am dreading the most will be having it outside, last year i sat next to her and kept asking questions all about her. this year i will move further away and talk to others giving her an occasional smile and brief response.

how do others manage a scenario like this where you are outside with them and nowhere to really escape?

[Appleblossom]

IGood one @Former-Member

 have been talking to other women .. and seating choice .. is important .. as @Former-Member suggested

to be mentally prepared helps .. to decide to engage and imbibe for pleasant and civil and sharing time .. to move on to next person when needed .. and be prepared to leave before I feel frustrated ..

but essentially .. I am not doing a lot of christmas things.

[Former-Member]

hello @Appleblossom

mentally prepared for her is a hard one - 6 years ago on boxing day in our home where i prepared lunch. she slapped me very hard across the face. she accused me of saying something that didnt come close to what i had said. i responded with those are not even words i would use. (foul mouthed stuff)

She had been drinking, red wine, bubbly, white wine.

sadly i have lived through dv twice, very hard for me to write this, very humiliating, needless to say my reaction to her attack was one babbling, screaming mess.

we didnt see them for 4 years, my husband's choice which included his son and grandchildren.missing out.  i did not like his decision. i wanted him to continue seeing them all, minus me with him.

i bit the bullet when it was the grand daughters 21st and told my husband we were going. i said hello to her with a smile. she grabbed me and broke down in tears. i have never brought up what happened, we both said to each other last year life is too short, time to move on.

I can forgive but i dont forget.

so she is a major trigger for me.

i have to go because i cant upset the family connection again from the grandchildren - my husband point of view.

so my mask is glued on tight and i will take prn and just smile. fortunately we will only be there for two hours maximum. 

i can do this.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Former-Member, haven't forgotten you, how was your day? I think 2hrs max is more than enough. Being slapped in the face - omg that's rough. I reckon it was the alcohol & delusion. But understand you having all your guards up. Christmas stmas can be so stressful, its hard to ignore 'the elephant in the room, but try if you can being really attentive of the nice people and gestures in the room. Be thinking of you 🙂

[Former-Member]

Hiya @Apple, I'm not doing much christmasy stuff, just time with my son. Disappointed psych apt rebate (120) didn't come through needed it for Chrissy food. But stocked up enough normal groceries to eat well while son here, I hope! Its so hard without my girl still, the be all 'happy' and motivated to really fuss. Hey, @moghill can what glue do you stick ya mask on with? Mine keeps falling off lol. Anyway, hope you both survive, and do something nice 🙂

[NikNik]

Hi @Former-Member I somehow missed this thread! What a great topic!

It would be interesting to hear if members have any other survival tips to add to the list you shared.

What a great resource for the community! Thanks for post it.

[BlueBay]

Hi @NikNik

I think for me it is going to be hard. but my survival guide for this Christmas is - early morning breakfast with the children, crossaints, fresh fruit, scones and jam and cream and a nice coffee.  Then hubby and I will go to the beach for a walk and possible swim; oh i might even make all salads early in morning.

I think keeping busy with your loved ones, doing something outside in nature whether it's a walk in the park, swim at the beach or walk with your dog.

And for ones with children, just sit back and enjoy the day with them.  Enjoy seeing the smiles (or not) when they open their presents.  Even mine who are all in the 20's still love to sit around the xmas tree on the floor and open up their presents one at a time.

i don't really know if i have written any survival guide????

[NikNik]

You have 🙂 That's really great.
Does it help to have the day structured / scheduled?

[Former-Member]

Hey, @BlueBay, yummy! breakfast - crossaints, fresh fruit, scones and jam and cream - coffee. And a walk on her he beach, sounds wonderful.

I really must plan my 3days with my son (but flexible), especially meals so I don't become anxious - then decisions become really hard and it all fails 😞 I so want it to be nice (he hasn't been home for Christmas for 3yrs).

Thanks for reminding me, I really want to make a trifle (you know, jelly, fruit, cake and custard), i'll do the cake tonight, best a bit stale I'm told 🙂

Ugg! Wish me luck!

Are you planning to make anything nik?