Lived Experience Forum

[Jacques]

Please @BlueBay, @Decadianor anyone else, please write as much as you want, i started this for discussion, it is not so much my thread as a community thread, i welcome and encourage you all to write as much as you want. 

Take care All, it is sad and good to see so many people wanting to talk their life experiances through, i don't feel so alone.

Jacques

[Decadian]

Hi @BlueBay

Even though I started this topic please feel free to say all you want too - that is part of the idea - not just to tell our story but to find other people who have suffered so we are a network - a sort of surrogate family of people who have the same core issues that threaten to destroy it at times

I see a psychotherapist - it's been a few weeks since I saw her - but in that time I have joined the people in these forums and your story is one that has been a theme in my heard since my father died over 5 years ago - and I just can't get that song out of my head - and I think you have a similar song'

"Why do family members do this kind of thing? What do they get out of it"

imo sending mail back is worse than not responding. It's a slap in the face - worse that that - like spitting hate - and I have just had a light-globe go on in my head.

They possibly knew all along - that there was something amiss - or they had to choose between sticking with you - and my family with me - or acknowledge the truth - and for some people the truth is just too hard - and they don't want to know.

And it HURTS when the victim is firther victimised. It hurts like HELL.

Over the last week I have been watching a doco I recorded on how the brain works - and we need each other. When a group we are part of excludes us it is among the worst kinds of pains - but it does have a use - it causes us to find other groups were we are accepted. It's not our family - a group of people we have been programmed since birth to trust - to rely on - to be our soft place to fall.

Golly - if you feel like writing more - please do - I am not alone - here is someone else who has been badly treated by their own family. You are not alone - you have found this website and you have opened up here and now and it was hard for me to write in the first place - and I bet it was hard to respond

I can't thank you enough Sadgirl - I am so glad I found these forums - we need to find an "in group" where we feel trusted and even loved.

More water has passed under my bridge - I will think of you though - that water under the bridge - time - cannot heal all wounds - but the idea is to put other things in the gaping terrible wound - and know that you did not cause this and you have been treated in a really nasty and horrible manner

Decadian

[Decadian]

Thanks Jacques - people with similar painful issues - in this case lack of family support - or worse - toxic families - really need to write their story and have someone tell theirs. It's such a relief to have done so - and normal I think - to tell the story over and over again - and to be careful to whom we tell it. So this discussion is really - comforting - I am not alone - Decadian

[Jacques]

I am so honored you felt comfortable to discuss you most vulnerable memories here, I really struggle with my family and mums friends, I experienced my first family rejection at the age of 8 when my father's family told me they never want to speak to me ever again, it was a family dispute but I was caught in the middle, so half my family is astranged from me, and I have very little contact with mums family, so I am basically alone.

I feel so thankful I am not the only one, it is sad, but helps me cope knowing I am not the only one.

Take care @Decadian, I feel your pain, you too @BlueBay.

Jacques

[Decadian]

Thanks for sharing Jaques - how horrible to be caught in a family dispute - meat in the sandwich - from such a young age. Yes - it is sad - but we are not along - we have all found each other - Decadian

[Jacques]

Yes it is, my father has since died and I have no idea who my family even are, it was so confusing when it happened, I did not know why they hate me so much, I still don't know.

I am so glad you are sharing, it is a heavy burden to carry alone. Thank you for listening.

Jacques

[Decadian]

I am honoured to listen Jacques - I know what a burden it is to carry it alone. Since my father died a few years ago my sister became a tyrant - and like you - I have no idea why they hate me so much - why the other members believe whatever she says - whatever it is.

Not knowing the cause for such vitriolic behaviour is isolating - and we have no reasons for this

I do understand

Here's the thing though - there must be something terrible wrong with these people - what people are now calling "The Haters" - they are badly flawed.

I can't imagine what it is like for a child - I suffered when I was a child - but the ostracism did not become so bad until I was an adult.

It must have been devastating to have been a small child when all this happened

Decadian

[Jacques]

Yes it was devastating, hurtful and confusing, I think this has played a big part in not being able to be away from mum for more than a few hours, I have abandonment issues now and I feel like if my family hates me, why wouldn't everyone, I feel like a freak, like something is wrong with me, I have felt rejected all my life.

I have separation anxiety and I think this event was partially responsible for my MI problems now.

[BlueBay]

I have told you guys @Jacques @Decadian that after my parents and siblings not talking to me for 4 years I reconciled in 2014.  My grandmother passed away and I thought it was the right time to go back to my parents.  I know, even after they hurt me so much, I decided to go back.  When I did I cried so much when I saw my dad.  He hugged me and I didn't want him to let go.  We spoke for about a year but things were never the same.  My mum was always 'in a bad mood' and was still trying to 'control' me.  My dad was and still is a quiet man who goes along with the flow - to keep the peace with her.

About 8 months after my mum wasn't calling me regularly like she used to.  So I decided that I wasn't going to ring her but after about 3 weeks I felt guilty and would ring her.  She would be on the phone to me for literally not even 5 minutes and very cold towards me.  I would get off the phone and say to my husband 'that's it i am not calling mum again'.  So three weeks would go by and I felt guilty again and call her again.  She would treat me the same again.  This went on for about 2 months.  In June last year I was admitted into hospital for  a break.  I decided I wasn't going to tell my mum as she never rang me or cared about me.  But two days after i was in hospital she called home and my husband told her i was in hospital for a break.  She said to get me to call her.  So I called her from hospital.  As soon as she answered the phone she went right off - yelling at me and saying how dare you wait 30 years to tell me about the abuse; i want you to stop talking to your sister (the only sister that was talking to me) and the last is the worst - and then she said 'you have betrayed the family'.  Well when i heard that i hung up the phone.

I was hysterical, sobbing and not in a good frame of mind.  A male psych nurse saw me throw the mobile phone and he wanted to know what had just happened.  I sobbed and told him what my mum had said.  After a few anxiety tablets to calm me down, I was able to sleep for a while.

To this day, I feel so rejected.  I feel like it was a kick in the guts. And a big kick.  I haven't seen or spoken to them since June 2015.  Again I missed Christmas, Easter, Mothers Day, Fathers Day, birthdays etc. 

I know that she is so toxic that it is not good to be anywhere near her.  But at the same time I miss my dad so much.  I wish he was stronger and could tell her that he wants to see me or even give me a call without her knowing.  But he doesnt; he listens to her all the time.  She lies about things to make herself look good; she would lie about her children and never admit fault for anything.

Part of me knows that I am better off without them but part of me still wants them. Maybe it's that inner child in me that is craving for their parents love and support.

Maybe she knew about the abuse and thought it would never come out. And then when I told her she was shocked that i remembered.  I don't know.

Abandonment, rejection by anyone is horrible but from your parents is even worse.  This is why i now have abandonment issues as an adult.

It's so hard to cope with at times.  Some times I want to SH so much 'just to show them' how much pain i am in.  But they wouldn't care.  

I have so many friends who are so close to their mothers and it makes me jealous (which is bad) because i can see how close their relationship is and then it hurts me so much.

[Decadian]

Hi @BlueBay -

I am a new member and I haven't read much of this thread - so I am so glad you have told your story again

It's only my opinion but we need to tell the story - over and over again - and somehow, sometime, it might just start to ease the pain - and pain it is.

In fact - your story with your mother's behaviour and your dad not sticking up for you sounds so much like my story - wow - I was in hospital after a car accident and my mother rang me up and ranted like that - and the nurse must have heard me yelling at her - and listened from the nurses' station I think - because she came and took the phone out of my hand and told my mother that was no way to talk to some who had injuries from a car accident the day before.

And that day I spoke to my son in prison and told him I couldn't visit - and he killed himself the next day - and even though my mother calmed down and came to see me that night - she still could not keep a civil tongue in her head.

Honestly - I don't know how people can treat other people - esp their own flesh and blood - in such a shameful way

And I understand @Jacques now you would have abandonment issues after having such a poisonous family at such an early age - it's too early to know who you are at that age - it would make it very hard to grow up in such an atmosphere.

I reallly understand why adults need acceptance from their parents - whatever happens. If we are denied that experience something inside us fails to flower properly

But please - both of you - from your writing I can tell you are decent people - it's them that's wrong - not us - and Sadgirl - I think your mother knew what was happening - pretty sure anyway - and yes - she lies to cover her guilt

But regardless - it's no way to treat other people

Decadian