Lived Experience Forum

[Jacques]

Hi All,

i am bringing up this topic as a way of seeing how everyone handles family members whom are detrimental to our well being, i for one have had 2 family members call me lazy, over sensitive, dole bludger, a blight on society, fat, worthless, a burden.

i know many members on this forum have had problems with mothers, fathers, brothers sisters and cousins, how do you handle their negative mannerisms, how do you cope if they are in the same house, what techniques are their to combat the negativity that is so detrimental to our well being.

i am curious to know if anyone is like me and get worn down by constant negativity.  how do you make yourself feel worthwhile? how do you boost your self esteem? how do you care for yourself?

i am looking forward to some responses.  thank you for reading.

Jacques

[NikNik]

Such a great topic @Jacques - Thanks for starting the convo.

[Fancy_Pants]

Definitely a helpful topic @Jacques!

As you said there are manyyyy members on this forum who have experienced negativity and have difficult relationships with family members ie @PeppiPatty @Kimina and @Troubled_One 

Its never easy to manage because there are so many conflicting thoughts and feelings and usually so much history and water under the bridge... Then its both what helps in the moment and long term...

there is a thread about how to handle MI misconceptions by family  that gives some ideas about educating family members who might not understand.. @SCORPION @kato 

but as Jacques said what have you guys found helps keep you from getting emotionally worn down...?

[Mazarita]

After a violent and troubled early family life my biggest family issues have been with my parents. Even in my 50s these early traumas remain raw. I have been unable to properly trust my parents throughout my life and my love for them has been imbued with deep ambivalence and stress. It's sad that early childhood traumas can have a lifelong effect even when there is also strong love and attempts to heal all round.

One thing that has worked to a degree for me is limiting contact. On one level this is probably simply avoidance on my part and may not be all that advisable in general. In fact, I have neglected my parents as an adult who really should be able to take on some duty of care for them. But staying away from my parents may have even kept me alive when I was suicidal and seeing my parents was making it worse. 

Another thing that has helped to a degree is to try to understand them and their own stories. For example, both my parents were troubled people. From my point of view they both have suffered from serious mental illness but without the diagnosis and help that I have had from medical professionals. Although knowing this has not erased the damage done to me by them, it has helped me understand them enough that I don't simply blame them.

This is a very small part of what I could say on the subject. Relations with family members have been one of the most difficult parts of my life.

[Jacques]

@Mazarita i have found the same, my aunt whom i see quite regularly has schizophrenia and will nto take medication, i suffer severe anxiety and depression and i have found she is really triggering for me, on some occatsions she has put me down, which hurts as she is family and should support me, i have a problem though, she is at the house to see mum not me, i try to avoid her as much as possible, but she tries to seek me out.  i have got to the point where i try to avoid all family members now because i am worried i am going to cause trouble and they are going to cause me distress. 

all my friends i have cut contact with, i never gave them any explination one day i was socialising with them, the next day i was not, it was that sudden, i just could not face them and tell them what was going on, time has passed now and i am ok with not having any friends, i actially find it helps my mental health because i am not under so much stress.

so my way of dealing with any one whom affects my self worth/ self esteem is to cut contact completely, i know it is not the best way to deal with it but it is the only way i can handle it. 

i often feel sorry for the family members i have abandoned because from time to time they try to make contact, but i freak out and can't see them, i actually lock myself in my room until they leave.

[Mazarita]

Hey @Jacques,

Similar here in some ways. For decades I had almost no contact with extended family either. It's only been in recent years that I have started to reconnect and even visit some of them when I take my yearly trip to see Mum in Melbourne. Previously I was simply too messed up to be able to handle it for the most part. My over-sensitivity means that I can be rocked and get paranoid about lots of things that people say or do in general, even when there really isn't much (or any) bad intent behind it.

One way of dealing with this is to try to 'loosen up', 'roll with the blows' and not hold myself so proudly within myself. Another is to use 'self-talk' with my easily offended nature, reminding myself that everyone has their bad days and that it's unreasonable to expect that everyone is going to be sensitive to my vulnerabilities all the time.

Still another way I've been able to get myself a little bit over my avoidance issues is to take really small steps so that I slowly build up resilience one bit at a time. I'm still very avoidant though and, like you, have left friends behind too. Although it relieves the stress in some ways, this has also led to the stress of loneliness and guilt in me. Since arriving at the forums a couple of months ago I've been challenging myself to get out into the world at least a little and it is working, bit by bit.

[Jacques]

yes @Mazarita, i have had the same experiance, i found family members some times said something and after they leave i start repeating the conversation over and over twisting the words into something that upsets me.

i think it was my way of forcing myself to cut contact with family, i hope one day i can do what you have done andspeak to them again, but at the moment i am too frightened to reach out.

yes i think sometimes it would be nice to have a friend or a girlfriend to have someone to do things with, go out, sports, etc.  but then i remember i would be making their lives worse, i am better isolating myself because i can't stand the thought of ruining someone else's life.

my mood swings are too much for me let alone a friend, or a potential partner, i would bring them down, so i stay away from everyone.

thank you for speaking on here it is much appreciated as i know it is a touchy topic to broach.

Jacques

[Appleblossom]

This is a great thread topic @Jacques.

We all come from different experiences.

I really liked the way @Mazarita was respecting her parents' stories and seeing them as individuals.

From my late 20s to 30s I mainly tried to keep the family together .. partly a response to the first suicide, my sister. I thought I had reconciled with my mother and that love would help us heal my childhood issues

I went through different things at different times. I lived with and "felt" close to extended family members as a child. But unwittingly I found myself part of the earlier generations spats and feuds and table turning. My mother was angry and felt betrayed that I had any contact with her sisters while I was just trying to find a friendly familiar face in a crazy shifting world. That was her paranoia and my naivete.

I had serious paranoia when I smoked dope when a teenager and then spent time talking siblings out of paranoia so I then tried that on myself. I also tried to encourage my aunts in their lives which included MI and one aunts husband and then his brother suicided just after my sister did.  We had all lived together in share house.

Like @Mazarita I eventually limited contact with my mother just the last 10 years due to my suicidality .. but never cut contact.

I have felt hurt by having contact cut with me, but also benefitted from the clarity about what are triggers and what are things that people take for granted etc.

The main thing I come back to is that everybody in my family, diagnosed or not had serious psychological unresolved pain.  I did all I could to strive for balance and progress .. from ignorance and superstition about events and personalities etc ..

Because I had a work and study persona I have settled on a style of being part of groups but not having a best friend.  That helps me deal with being human and being lonely.

I also have found that negative comments are not usually in my head but in the person mouthing them .. if I pretended it was just me making more of supposedly "innocuous comments, I later came to feel the full force of their rejections and that they did not want to discuss things or work out any misunderstanding.

Its weird as I get older I gradually I have managed to be more assertive than ever in my life before .. when something happens most people have admitted issue, apologised and still wanted to work/sing with me etc (neighbour, student, choirs). It has been validating as I tried to be diplomatic and careful when raising issues with my family too. So now I think the family can take more responsilibity for the problems in my life.  I dont think its all my fault as much. I try and focus on what I have worked for and achieved without their support. Overall I have a very low expectation of nice events happening to me and really appreciated the sense of acceptance in this forum.

Since mother's death, I have no family contact except son and my brother dying overseas.Its sad but there is also less burden and some clarity .. I have to face that my sister and aunts and uncles did not care and can limit my caring of them.

My daughter's birthday is coming up and I am anxious but will just send an email, I could put money in her account but she has bought a house in a fancy part of town and wont let me know her address.  She doesnt really need it so it feels weird to be reaching out over continued hostility. I dont need to make it a point thing.. so maybe just an email is best .. I also thought I'd send it a week early so she can get over the horrible thing of getting something from me and spend the day with her friends.

Coincidentally 2 new people in my life have made something of that date, so I can look forward to things with them. I now also think of it as the day I became a biological mother and not just my daughter's birthday. Its an event for me too.

Ahh families .. tricky stuff

[Jacques]

oh my @Appleblossom, wow what a family story, i have never had contact with my fathers family in Germany, their was a falling out before i was born so i have never even spoken to any of my fathers family, and my mothers family are scattered all over Australia, i have seen them all only at weddings and funerals.  maybe an odd week on hollidays, a handful at best.

so i am thinking maybe i am better off not going down the path of contact and just letting things be, maybe less complicated that way.

thank you all for commenting, i know many of us struggle with family problems and i think in some ways it hinders our mental health and can some times make it much worse.

i can't handle confrontation, too frightened, so i just walk away and never speak to them again.

it is a shame becausse time is precious, people don't live forever, and family is all we really have. it is a shame we can't cherrish each other for ones individuality and deversity and not sweat the small stuff.

Families are so complicated. i know, it just saddens me to see how much time is wasted with fighting.

[Former-Member]

Thanks @Jacques...clearly a topic that has got people talking.....Sounds like there are times when it is worth connecting and times when a break is necessary. Most of all there is perhaps 'choice' for people and that it is important to give ourselves permission to make the right choice for health.

Was wondering what people think about non blood related family, for me my best friend is like a sister/mother depending on what's happening she's so important.... was thinking about this after @Appleblossom mentioning the 2 new people in her life...