Lived Experience Forum

[Change123]

Hi All

As per my post on "not feeling so good"thread and emötional discipline" thread I can feel the depression coming on thick and fast and I'm starting to tear up.

I'm still coping but scared I will go down hill and I cant do that with all the hard work I have put in.

At the moment my feelings are :

sadness

anger but not real rage

fed up

abandonment fears due to my only mother image now turning against us

feeling very overwhelmed

and very very fragile

this is all due to his delusional narcassistic sister who we thought had grown up by now but has only perfected her art in manipulation, lies, deceit and basically the depths she has gone to I'm sure she is a person who does not have empathy or a soul! 

I really need sleep but have to get through the day at work first.

I guess I feel I need some support now as I spent all last night supporting and caring for my partner through all this. 

Thanks

[Lunar]

Hello @Change123,

Firstly, take a minute to take some really deep breaths and get yourself a nice cup of tea or coffee. You have been through a lot this week and quite exhausted. It's great you have been so supportive of your partner and his family situation, it's nice you have each other to reflect on how his sister has been horrible and that as  ateam you can work through coping with her together. It does sound like you are feeling triggered in regards to your mother in law, but just try to focus on the support she has given you and will continue to it is just going to be a tricky road to giving her the truth.

Are you able to give yourself a bit of a break from thinking about all of this today, maybe going for a walk with your dog or watching a movie in bed tonight or something?

Keep venting on here and just focus on one thing at a time at work so you feel less overwhelmed. Take really good care of yourself okay

Lunar 🙂

[Change123]

Thanks @Lunar

Yes I think you are right I have definitely been triggered by all this and especially the abandonment thing again.  I have gone into the loo a few times to deep breathing they will start to think god knows what if I keep doing that  (still got sense of humor)

I did get a real coffee from the shop a little while ago as a treat and it did make me feel better.  Im teetering between coping and sliding constantly, one minute I feel better then all of a sudden I get teary, then ok again. 

Tonight, I have already told my partner that we should have a break from this mentally and just have a very easy night with fishnchips and TV and play with our boy - recovery night! I just hope he is ok, he took some sleeping meds to get some sleep and hopefully he will be ok after that. But if he needs to vent to help him get through this I need to be able to let him. I guess I have to realise that its my turn to be their for him no matter how I feel but boy this is testing!

Hopefully sleep will help.

[Change123]

Hi @Lunar

I think I'm feeling a bit better, even more drained though.  Went for a drive at lunch and boy am I bad went back to the same bakery and got a big fat pie for lunch.  Boy I'm gonna regret this tomorrow - donut for breakfast, pie for lunch and then fish n chips for tea.  I think this is the most junkfood I have had in one day for years!  But I did enjoy it. 

I think my problem is I feel out of control with this and dont know whats gonna happen with her retaliation to us.  She wont be able to let this go she will demonise and vilify us to her family and my partners mother.  We dont care what her family thinks its just it would break our hearts if the mother doesnt want to see my parnter becuase of this.

Have you ever dealt with anyone like this, are we doing the right thing?  Ie. ceasing all contact and not communicating any more with her?  Boy I did not know someone could be so vicious.

When we saw her for the first time and last time last week she was so sickenly nice to us, even giving us a kiss on the cheek before we left.  Stupid me actually thought well maybe she changed, then the next day all the sms's and emails started and when we came back some real nasty notes. So nothing is face to face she is too gutless.  I really think she is jealous of me and my partner as she seemed very jealous when we talked where we are at in our lives - bear in mind we are talking about a woman who is nearly 60!

I know I'm triggered because of the abandonment thing and also she is exactly like my sister who I have had no contact with for years. (same age too!)

I feel like I need to gain some control so thats why I'm trying to find information on how to deal with this peice of work! (hence my latest post) From what I read what we are doing will infuriate her but it is the best course of action.

aaaggh why does life have to be so hard, over one hurdle and then another hits us!

[Lunar]

Hello @Change123,

Glad you are feeling a bit better, it does seem as though your sister-in-law is quite jealous hence why she is behaving this way and perhaps it is best to ignore her and not fuel the fire so to speak and hopefully she will calm down or target someone else.

I know you are fearful of the future in regards to your mother in law and your relationship with her, but it seems as though you are speaking with her at the moment and supporting her so maybe it's best to not focus on the worse case scenario when that has not yet happened and try to bring it back to now and what you can do to help the situation, this is what you can control. Such as ignore the sister and support your mother in law through the process of being in a nursing home, and keeping in touch when you can. That is all you can really do, if your sister in law is this nasty regardless then perhaps not dealing with her if she says mean things is all you can really control right now.

What do you think?

Lunar

[Change123]

@Lunar

Yes we have ceased all contact and blocked her number on our mobiles and email contact so we dont have to endure the venom she spits out.

My partner did talk to his mother the night before and she was totally supportive of us then yesterday after more crap went down he rang his mother again and she was furious with us and has believed all the lies so the worst has happened.  The sister had shown/ read an email we had sent in retaliation to all the notes and sms's she left.  It was not nasty we acted like adults and basically we just wanted to cover our "butts" so to speak by retaliating with the truth to her accusations/ statements in a bulleted form.  She showed this to her mother but of course did not show the nasty notes or nasty sms's she sent and actually told her that we sent this email out of the blue. My partner had asked his mother if he can come up and see her this Friday and that he had copies of everything to show her this is all crap but she asked for him not co come up!! Which for her means that she doesnt want to see us.  So the worse has happened and his bitch sister will now work on this and totally finish vilifying us to her.

At least we figured out another course of action when the inevitable happens (motherinlaw passes) we will get a solicitor to handle his part in the will so we dont have to endure this crap all over again.  

I just cant believe that we have had no contact in 20 years except polite exchange at maybe 5 family functions and then in less than a week she has done this - its just so unbelievable and vicious.

Like I said boy am I being tested but so is my partner.

The only good in this is that it has brought my partner and I closer together