Neurodivergent girl feeling exhausted and lost TW: discussion on thoughts of ending my life

[Awkward_Turtle1]

Hi all. I am an autistic female with ADHD and GAD who also experiences recurrent depression and has a trauma background. I recently thought I was on the up with my recovery having finally found a workplace that seemed supportive and working hard to regularly use health supports and try to connect with others. However, after a few stressful events have experienced a significant drop in my mood and heightened anxiety. Thoughts about ending my life are not new but I am finding are more specific recently which scares me. It feels like I have been giving it my all to speak out and try to get accomodations/ the assistance I need to stay well but am continuing to fall into the cycle of burnout. I am paying out of pocket for help regularly and trying to be open with others as much as possible yet things seem to be getting harder and the patience of those around me is wearing thin. I saw my GP today and have my psychiatrist tomorrow then my psychologist later in the week; however, I am worried about what will happen next. My main informal support people do not seem onboard with hospitalisation and I am concerned if I have to go down this pathway for help I will then be left with a relationship breakdown and potential loss of employment. Any advice on sustaining hope for the future and managing when you are seeking support but still feel stuck and are in a low period would be much appreciated. 

[rav3n]

hey @Awkward_Turtle1 firstly, cute username!

i'm sorry to hear that the recent stressful events have made some of those symptoms more heightened and harder to manage. i don't have ADHD myself, but i have experienced depression and burnout many times, and i can see what you mean about how it impacts your work and relationships. i'm glad you're surrounded by both formal and informal supports who look out for you - do you mind me asking, have your informal supports shared why they're against the hospital admission? are there other besides hospitalisation that you've looked into as well?

recovery isn't linear, it can often get messy and hard before we start to see progress. sometimes it can be 1 steps forward, 2 steps back, 3 steps forward, etc. i like this diagram:

the feeling of hopelessness you feel is probably your brain feeling stuck and overwhelmed, but these feelings aren't permanent and change can and will occur. it may take some practice (like reframing negative thoughts regularly) and patience too. i've been stuck in that hopeless loop too, and with the help of my psych, we worked on reframing some of my thoughts and self-beliefs which personally helped me heaps. i encourage reaching out on this thread too, perhaps others with ADHD can share their tricks and tips: Wait what did I come into this thread for again? O... - SANE Forums

we're here for you, you're not alone. 💙

[rav3n]

also wanted to check, do you have a safety plan for managing those suicidal thoughts/feelings? 

  

if you haven't got one yet, it might a good idea to look into it with your psych or you can even make one here. you might also like to have a read of this resource on coping with thoughts of suicide.  

 

if at anytime you feel unsafe, please reach out to:

Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat 

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling 

If in immediate danger: 000 

[Awkward_Turtle1]

Thank you @rav3n for taking the time to read and respond ♥️ My partner had a hard time coping without me at home during my last hospital admission and did not feel it did much to support me in the end. My other informal supports still hold stigma towards this form of help and I believe still see me as a ‘high functioning’ autistic and struggle to see me unmasking. I will definitely check out the other thread and look at doing a current safety plan with my formal supports as I haven’t done one in a little while. 

[rav3n]

hey @Awkward_Turtle1 i see what you mean, it is challenging when the stigma is around and people don't understand 'high functioning'. 

is this hospital different to the last? i reckon that if your formal supports are all for it, and if you also believe that this is what's best for you - you should follow your instincts. it's fair for your informal supports to have their doubts and concerns, but they also aren't you, and they might not know the full extent of how you're feeling at the moment. you deserve the very best support 💙

also sounds like a great idea to update that safety plan! how are you holding up today? 

[Awkward_Turtle1]

Thanks @rav3n for checking back in. It would likely be the same hospital. Still about the same today. My psychiatry appointment had to be moved to tomorrow but was able to book in my psychologist this evening so I think being able to see someone today will help ♥️

[rav3n]

of course, here ya 💙 @Awkward_Turtle1 

ooo glad you've got those appointments tonight and tomorrow, hope they go well!!