Lived Experience Forum

[Zoe7]

Well done on talking to your daughter - that is huge @Dino14 but you have done it and that took a lot of courage 👍

You are the only one that knows in your heart what your relationship with Kylie is and I hope for you that it can develop further again. Knowing why and how things changed between you is a positive step in regaining that relationship and you have certainly voiced your concerns with how you pulled away yourself here. Sometimes we are able to right those things when we know why we do them - other times we need to work out if we are likely to do it again and work on ways to stop doing the same things again - either way it is introspection, insight and knowledge about ourselves that we need to work on in order to form those relationships and sustain them long term - none of that is easy but attainable too - so I wish you nothing but luck in doing so.

Darrel Baldock played for my hometown side before he entered parliament. My parents were both close to him as my Dad played for the same side at the same time - I vaguely remember him being part of the club but was very young at the time- so we have something similar in common. He was indeed an outstanding footballer and person and I agree one of - if not the best ever to play. It is a very different game now than it was then though so comparisons between 'older' players and modern day players cannot be drawn.

Percy does look like more of a wrestling dog - my Toby is only little so loves cuddles but he also likes to play chasing and jumping gaes around the loungeroom - he jumps from side to side while I chase him - Percy might be a bit big to do that LOL He is a gorgeous looking dog though and you certainly seem to love him a lot. Our fur babies are such good company and that unconditional love is gold.

Hope you get some sleep tonight - I have difficulty with sleep also - it did get better for a while but over the last few months has gradually got worse again so need to try to rectify that myself as well. Talk soon 

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Dino14 

Hey well done on talking to your daughter yesterday.  That would not have been easy, and I can well imagine that it could have been one of the toughest things you've ever done.  So hard to let our guard down and to make ourselves vulnerable.  Because thats what you've done, and I greatly admire your courage in doing that. You say the discussion did not go great, but nor did it go badly.  I'm guess that your daughter will have a bit to digest, and she may well come back to you with questions or feedback of some sort at a later date.  But I have little doubt you will be prepared for that and will respond in an appropriate manner.  Proud of you for doing what you've done there, and still doing.

I did not know Darrel Baldock but went and looked him up after reading your post here yesterday.  Looks like he was one of the greats of his time, maybe all time.  I notice that he was also a State cricketer and also a very good one.  And a politician as well?  Hmmm ... was he a good pollie?  I'm glad you grew up knowing The Doc ... you see now other kids are growing up knowing their hero "Dino" who kicked 16 goals in a game.  Few others could claim such a feat.  I probably agree with you about Tony Lockett .. a great career with St Kilda and topped it off with a fantastic stint with The Swans in Sydney.  I went to several AFL games at the SCG in Pluggers days.  One I recall was against Essendon and the full time bell had gone.  Plugger had taken a mark outside of the 50m circle in the pocket out wide.  I was only meters from him as he shaped up for his kick.  He only needed a point to win the match, although a goal would have been even better.  But he made the distance and got a point to win the game for the Swannies.  Yep, he is one of the greatest of all time for sure.  In fact I have one of those limited edition Lithograph pictures on our study wall ... of Plugger kicking his 1300th career goal at the SCG in June of 1999.  

So today you are doing the long drive to visit Kylie.  Please drive safely in all the holiday traffic.  Oh no @Dino14  I am not suggesting that your relationship is over!  Quite the opposite, I see so many wonderful signs that it will rekindle grow and develop.  I certainly hope so.  But at the same time, I do not want you to feel that its the end of the world if you are unable to again form a meaningful and full relationship together.  You are doing everything in your power to ensure that it does, and I am sure she sees that too.

Ahhh so Percy is a wrestler!  Actually Holly is not such a cuddly dog either, she suffers them though. And on her own terms she comes up and smooches and nestles close to you.  But not cuddly as such.  She also likes a bit of a roughing up, a bit of a rumble.  She has a doggie mate next door to us, he is an Alsation, former police dog.  Holly is only little so slips through the fence easily, where as other dogs cannot. She slides in there and pinches Max's bones and skulks back into her yard looking proud as punch with herself. Poor Max just follows her along meek as anything. Little doubt that Holly is the boss.  No shrinking violet is Holly.  She's also a great little rabbiter, of which we get quite a few around here.  Although she is slowing up in her old age ... 11 now.

Getting back to your discussion with your daughter ... yes I also believe you have done the right thing.  Enjoy your visit with Kylie, although the reason for the visit is not ideal.  That is, to return each others 'stuff'.  Who knows, maybe she'll suggest you keep it after all?  Certainly she has a difficult history with her ex's, and one which is likely to make her much more understanding and empathetic when it comes to your own issues.  How open have you been so far with Kylie about all that?  I gather she knows a fair bit, given her advice re your daughter.

I get you regarding losing the ability to sleep.  I used to sleep well, but not any more, and not for quite a few years.  Perhaps some psych therapy may help with that too.  Hope so.  Anyway I hope you got enough sleep to enable you to drive safely today to see Kylie. Take care .. okay.  And talk again next time.  

Sherry 

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Dino14 ... I hope your visit went well yesterday and you got home safely.  Are you on holidays from your work at present?  Perhaps until after New Year.  I imagine it would have been a big adjustment for you when you went from running your own business (and devoting so much time and effort into it) to working for someone else. Although there were probably some good things about that change as well.  I think its going to be hot, even in your State, today.  Maybe a nice walk before it gets too hot.  Does Percy like his walks too?  I am heading into town soon to get to my gym class.  Cricket all wrapped up, so no Day 5 Test match to watch today.  After gym, I have a Dr appointment to get my husband to.  But no plans after that.  A quiet day inside in air conditioned comfort I think, for me.  Might get some art done this afternoon after coming back from town.  I know you like music, do you also like art of any sort.  Not necessarily to do, but more to look at or appreciate. I'm currently doing a diamond painting based on the picture below.  Anyway ... just wanted to stop by briefly this morning to let you know I'm thinking of you, and hope all is going as well as possible in your world.

Sherry 

[Dino14]

Hey @Former-Member 

My day went well and had no problems with traffic.  Kylie was her usual gorgeous self and I got a bit upset when it was time to leave so she gave me a big cuddle.  I did go there, secretly hoping, that after seeing each other again everything would sort itself out.  She showed no signs that it was possible so now I know that it won't happen anytime soon I just have to get myself sorted.  I'm still telling myself that it is possible in the long term, maybe even years ahead but I am probably deluding myself.  It's just that I fear that it took me 57 years to find true love and I really don't think I've got another 57 left.  Love is all I ever wanted in life.  To love and be loved.  At least I had a good 7 months.  Please don't say anything like "it's OK you'll find another".  That really doesn't appeal at all right now.  I just want her.  So by now you can probably tell that I've lost some I my positivity after my realisation that I have to try to Kylie out of my system.   Last night was the worst night I've had in years.  I got to sleep easily but woke up at 3am and cried for 2 hours having terrible thoughts which bought back memories of similiar thoughts when I was a boy and a young man.  I'm not too bad today, just terribly weary and scared of what tonight will bring.  Anyway I've just got to deal with it.

I only work 2 casual jobs at the moment and so I am having time off from both but I am on call for fire-fighting today, tomorrow and Wednesday.  I transitioned from being a workaholic to a part time bludger fairly easily even though I had been my own boss for most of my adult life.  I now love it that I can switch off when I sign off.  Not always a good thing with all this nonsense in my head now but life without work stress is wonderful.

Hitting 40 degrees in parts of Tassie today and a storm due tonight im my area so lightening strikes in the bush are a very real threat.  I gave up walking Percy about when I started dating Kylie as all my free time was spent travelling to see her.  So maybe it's something I need to do again when I get caught up with all the odd jobs around the house.  They got neglected too in that time.

Not a fan of art as such.  Love a good landscape photo is as close as it gets I reckon.  I do have a digital SLR which I bought and was planning to really enjoy during my "Gap Year" after I sold the business.  My tutor was going to be my cousin who was more like a big brother than my big brother ever was.  But less than 2 months after I sold my business he suddenly passed away, at 57, from a heart problem he never knew he had.  So my appetite for that died with him.

So yes I'm home today with my music and trying to find positives.  You've just given me one by sending me that message.  I hope you have a great day, take it easy and enjoy your artwork or whatever you do.  Sorry I'm all about me today but it's the rollercoaster isn't it.

Dino

[Former-Member]

Damn it .. yes @Dino14  .. that is indeed the collercoaster that our MH challenges throws in our path.  And please dont apologise about your discussion being only about you today.  This thread is meant to be all about you .. it is your story, your space ... your safe place if you like.  If you need to talk about your disappointment and your hurt, then go right ahead.  I'm listening, as I'm sure are @Zoe7 @Shaz51 and others who may be reading but not responding.  If I want to talk about me, I can go to my own thread elsewhere.  I have people who support me there, just as you have people supporting you here.

I have to admit to also feeling hopeful that your visit with Kylie may have resulted in somewhat of a reprieve in the (hopefully temporary) cessation of your relationship.  So I am disappointed on your behalf, in fact very much so because I know how much she means to you.

Really sorry to hear that you had such an awful night last night ... thats tough, and the effects of that tend to linger too. You mentioned that you are afraid of what tonight may bring.  Can I gently ask you Dino if you are having suicidal thoughts at all, or self harm of any type?  I may be way off target here, but I guess I am just a bit concerned about you. You have lost someone very special to you, and that will take some getting used to. If you are concerned for your safety, there are numbers you can call, people you can talk to .. if that would be helpful for you.  Plus here too of course.

I would never say "its okay, you'll find someone else" to you.  That would be unproductive, insensitive and possibly even wrong.  I know people who have lost their one true love and who have never loved again, nor wanted to.  On the flip side, I have known people who thought they would never love again when they lost their loved one, only to find someone else and go on to love them just as much.  Differently perhaps, but equally as much.  As I said a few days ago, I do believe that our wants and needs change as we go.  Anyway, forget that, I still believe that you have a very real shot at getting Kylie back.  It sounds as though she has not cut herself off from you entirely, thus leaving the door open for the possibility of a future together at a later date.  Who knows?  

I do hope you are not called out to any fires, the weather sounds really bad down there.  40C is way hotter than I'd even thought Tassie ever got.  I have visited TAS 3 times in total, and have loved each visit for very different reasons. It is a lovely place to visit, and I feel sure it would be a great place to live also.

Other than the very hot weather, it could definitely be a great opportunity to start taking young Percy for a daily walk.  Good for both of you.  Household tasks?  Unfortunately they are never ending.  I hope you can get on top of the more urgent ones so you can relax a bit.  My brother is a keen photographer, and loves landscapes and lots of old farm scenes and machinery etc.  He has some really great ones actually.  Its something he got into after he lost his young daughter and was recovering from the accident himself, which was a long term thing given he had a broken neck. So for a farmer he suddenly found himself very restricted for the best part of a year. Photography became his saviour to some extent I think.  Sorry to hear that your proposed 'gap year' hobby never eventuated.  57 is way too young to die, but I suppose your cousin didnt know too much about it.  I was born with a fairly minor heart condition, which is monitored fairly closely.  The benefits of knowing about it I guess, something your cousin did not have.

My day is going okay so far.  Gym done ✔  Husbands Dr appointment done ✔  ... Well ... its a start anyway. 😃

Okay ... time to put the feet up for a while.  Aircon finally starting to cool the place down a bit and I may get a quick catnap.  I didnt sleep well last night either, so could use a rest.  I'm pleased with myself for getting to the gym though.

Catch you another time Dino.

Sherry 

[Zoe7]

Totally agree with @Former-Member here @Dino14 This is your space to talk about what you need to and to connect with those that can offer you support in doing so. 

I do get the disappointment you must have felt yesterday with Kylie and would also never presume that it is a case of 'you will find someone else' - love does not work that way and when you find that true love, that person you can see a future with it is special. On the other hand when it does not work out it is heartbreaking so you are not only allowed but encouraged here to share in your pain. We certainly will not judge as your circumstances and experiences are yours and very real and valid. 

I often have thse feelings of what the night will bring also - but maybe for different reasons. Mine are the fear of sleeping as I do not know what will happen when I do so it often takes me sometime to feel calm enough to try to sleep. Nightime for many of us here seem to be the most difficult so you are not alone there either. I also echo @Former-Member's concern though there is more in your words than just having a difficult night. If you are fearful of what you might do or are having suicidal thoughts then please reach out to us here and if you are seriously considering harming yourself contact: Lifeline 131114 or Suicide Call Back Service 1300 659 467

[Dino14]

Thank you both @Former-Member & @Zoe7.

My mind was racing last night when I woke up.  I presumed I had a dream as I very rarely remember my dreams.  I just had thoughts like why bother getting treatment when it only affects my relationships with people who love me.  Why bother when there is no one left to love.  Kylie is gone and my kids have come this far without me and will be just fine.  And then I started thinking about getting out of bed and finding the whiskey bottle.  Then after resisting that I was just laying there thinking "Why am I alive?" "What has been the purpose of my life?" "57 years and 7 months old and I've only ever really been happy for 7 months", what a waste of 57 years?"  And nonsense like that.  I've never gotten suicidal but when I was younger I often just wished I was dead and had thoughts like those above.  I think there is a difference with not caring to go on with life and wanting to end it.  I hope so anyway.  

But anyway that's just to put your minds at rest over any suicide thoughts.  It's daytime now and apart from being way, way over tired I'm going OK.  Hopefully my tiredness will help me sleep tonight and the GP visit is tomorrow so that will help also I guess.

Cheers.

[Zoe7]

Thank you so much for letting us know exactly where your thoughts were last night and where you sit with those now too @Dino14 I do agree there is a big difference with wondering where your life has gone, 'Why am I alive' and actually wanting to end it. I have been in both positions so very much know the difference.

You avoided the whiskey bottle and that is a positive - you could have so easily gone down that road but you didn't - that takes courage too Dino.

I do hope you sleep tonight and can regain a litte energy - that is often easier said than done when our minds are racing and we are over tired so I have everything crossed that you can sleep tonight. Having your GP appointment tomorrow is good too - you have support there you can lean on also.

Let us know how that goes 👍

[Shaz51]

Thinking of you lots and sending hugs , please keep chatting to us @Dino14 

@Zoe7 , @Former-Member , @BryanaCamp , @BlueBay 

[Former-Member]

Good morning @Dino14 

I hope you had a better night last night than you had the night before.  And also that there have been no fires in your area so you have not been called out.  You said you were over tired yesterday after such a bad night prior.  Unfortunately sometimes being overtired means another difficult night.  Hope that wasnt the case for you. You have a lot of things on your mind ... little wonder your mind was racing.  

A racing mind needs distraction.  A few things which may help for future:

1.  write out your thoughts.  Here is okay if you wish.  Otherwise a piece of paper or a journal. This can give your racing mind a bit of a break and help you to relax a bit.  There is benefit in releasing our thoughts.

2.  if you are not sleeping .. get up and do something else.  Eg watch a movie, do a crossword, read a book.

3.  try to focus on something else, other than your troubles (pretty hard I know ... maybe think of Percy and where you two can go for your next walk)

4.  white noise is meant to be quite helpful as a mental distraction. Just some background noise that provides something for your brain to focus on. Even listening to something like a really really boring talk back radio program in the dead of night works for some.

I appreciate you responding yesterday and letting us know where your mind is at.  And also that you considered yourself to be safe. It did put my mind at rest. Yes there is a significant difference between 'not wanting to live' and 'wanting to die'.  I can honestly say that I have been in both situations ... so yeah ... I probably do understand.  I will say ... well done on resisting the urge to hit the whiskey bottle.  That option provides a very temporary relief for a short time, but only serves to make things worse in the longer term.  Been there and done that too, for a time.  If you cannot beat them .. join them .. was my philosophy for a time there.  But it was wrong.  So again ... well done.  I know you have previously been down that road .. so you know too.

So today is your long awaited GP appointment.  That actually came around quickly.  Has it been two weeks already since you landed on this site?  How time flies.  Its been nice getting to know you though, and I truly hope you have found benefit in being able to talk things over there.  You have people who understand and care here, people who can see the good person that you are, and have an understanding of what you are going through. Losing someone you love is so very hard ... irrespective of the cause of the loss.  And I would never underestimate the pain you are currently going through.  

Well ... good luck with your GP appointment today.  I hope it goes as well as possible.  I, along with @Zoe7 @Shaz51 and others here, will be waiting to hear how it all goes when (or if) you would like to share.  Dont forget to take your notes!

Sherry 😃