Lived Experience Forum

[LooneyToones]

@Change123

Interesting you say you've no memories prior to 8 years of age. I do (back to 3 yrs), but I have specific times that I cant recall at all. But I have no memories of sexual abuse, just emotional and physical abuse.

Also interesting that your meds caused your violent acting out of dreams. I hadnt thought of that, but since I've been on medication, on and off, for 30 years, I'm not sure if they all would have caused this. 

Like you, I'm a bit reluctant to delve especially when I'm coping comfortably - not sure it would really solve anything, and besides I have other very positive things to focus on, like becoming a first-time grandmother.

Thanks for your input and good luck with your ultimate decision.

LT

[PurpleFlowers]

Hi @Former-Member

I was wondering if you could say more about your experience of counselling/therapy not always being good. I have similar thoughts now.  Many years ago I was dependent on counselling/therapy but looking back now a lot of it did not work for me in the way that I would have thought.  There was a lot of talk about healing and working through stuff like there would be a time when it was cured!!!!but I have mixed feelings and experiences.  The earlier trauma I have experienced has really stayed with me to a degree and has come out in different ways depending on the age and stage of life I am at, current living circumstances/challenges, levels of support, finances, housing etc etc.  I think my earlier consistent ongoing trauma has lifelone impacts on me and managing is the only way.  I dont think for a minute that this is everybody'es experiences but for me I really question how much it has really done for me.  Would really love your opinion.  Thanks

[Former-Member]

Hi @PurpleFlowers

I also have mixed feelings about it. In terms of the original post, I feel like it's important to be aware that it can (probably will?) make things worse in the short term, and that it isn't guaranteed that things will get better in time. I see it as a matter of weighing up the risks and benefits. If things are so bad they can't get any worse, then you have nothing to lose, but if not, then it's a far more complicated decision, and I don't think that's always made clear to people... it wasn't to me. 

In terms of my experience, it's difficult for me to answer without being specific to my diagnosis/way of being but I'll try. I've found counselling/therapy to be helpful in critical periods - when I was extremely unsafe and needed the supervision, and also (because I have DID) when I had people/alters/parts rapidly surfacing with memory gaps, not knowing each other, not knowing they were one of many etc. It helped to have someone else keeping track of them, who could speak to us/them all. That's happened twice - one period late last year and another about 8 years ago. 

In terms of processing trauma though, I feel like it's overrated. Most therapists we’ve had seem to want to revisit the past in a lot more detail than needed in order for us to have a decent life. They weren’t willing to take our lead and seemed to continually question our judgment about what needed to be revisited at what didn’t. 

I also agree with you that there's a real risk of becoming dependant. Both of the times we were in intensive therapy, it seemed to be initially helpful in practical ways but then after a time, it became something we needed in order to function, which was alarming.

We made the decision to stop therapy earlier this year after meeting some other people with DID online who had been doing intensive memory work for 15+ years and saw no end in sight. We don't want that. We want to live our lives now - so we're trying to help each other with memories when it's absolutely necessary to do that, but also just do things that help us exit our memories and live in the present. 

I know this may not be possible for a lot of people, including people with DID, and I don't mean to make any kind of judgment about that. I just think that we all need to have our right and capacity to make that choice for ourselves, respected.

I should also say, we do still have a therapist in the wings. We were fortunate to find someone who respected our decision to exit therapy but was willing to remain in the background in case something changes. I call her once a month to check in.

[Heart]

Good morning @Former-Member, I aggree with @Appleblossom. You should go and get some support for what is happening. Pushing away bad memories or experience is unhelthy. They will come out at some stage and the experience may not be good. Locked up emotions and emotions is not healthy. The stressors of keeping them locked up can reak havic on your health later.

Start with where you are comfortable, be it the phone number on this forum, lifeline or a counselor.

Take care of your self,

[PurpleFlowers]

Hello @Former-Member

Firstly, thank you for responding to my post and secondly thank you for your very honest account of your experiences in and out of therapy.   I find it so refreshing to have an open and honest conversation.  As have you, I found therapy has supported my through my most critical times but the ongoing type of therapy is the one I now question. My mixed feelings are around the dependency that can creep in within a professional relationship and the reality that it is only a ''professional relationship".  I have experienced in my vulnerabilty therapists using that power to influence me in ways not always helpful and then when I have said I do not want to do what they have suggested or agree with it there has been a change in therapist relationship that is then not always workable.  There always seems to be some kind of power struggle taking place (so annoying).  Now that I am much older I also think that expert advice has some value but that there is still much wisdom and answers within myself given the right set of circumstances to explore that. Also, when I have reached my own conclusions and put things into action it is much more likely to stick.  I agree with you, I think processing trauma is overrated, I mean what does that really mean.  Where does it go??? Some how those terrible experiences are supposed to just morph somewhere else.  I dont think so.  I think the awarenesses of those traumas and how they affect me in relationship to others etc is useful and how I can go about working on improving aspects of myself (always at that).  I think that the brain has a capacity to change and forge new paths but the imprints from ongoing early destructive environments cannot be erased (my experience).  I think mine have morhed into sensory and nervous system problems that just keep changing as I get older.  Better in someways not in others!!...I hope @Former-Member that we can keep on finding ways to help ourselves through these tough times, reach out for help and hopefully receive that when needed and find new ways to improve our quality of life (with the challenges we face daily etc).  I wish you well @Former-Member and thank you again for allowing me to discuss how I feel around this subject and being open with your situation.  Take care

[Former-Member]

Thanks @PurpleFlowers

This:

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Now that I am much older I also think that expert advice has some value but that there is still much wisdom and answers within myself given the right set of circumstances to explore that. Also, when I have reached my own conclusions and put things into action it is much more likely to stick.

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totally resonates, so much! The most enduringly helpful practices that we've developed, we've done so without any outside help. I'm not sure if that's because we found them ourselves or that we found them because they worked for us... but it really doesn't matter 

[PurpleFlowers]

Thanks @Former-Member, glad to hear there are practices developed, I think that is empowering and also acknowledging what you said that some expert advice has some value. I think for me just not giving my power away to an outside person (had too much powerlessness). 🙂