Lived Experience Forum

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Jlol,

It sounds like whilst you girlfriend has some good qualities perhaps the negative qualities are making your relationship pretty toxic and very challenging for you.

It is good to read that you have spoken to a couple of psychologist about this situation and they have helped you identify that this relationship is emotionally abusive but you make a good point around how to move past what is wrong. It's one thing to know what the problem is but then you need to know how to fix it. I also think you make a good point (whilst I don't want to appear sexiest) but most of the information around getting out of a toxic relationship does seem to be geared towards women (which I understand based on statistics but that doesn't mean other genders don't need help to). Have you thought of contacting 1800RESPECT to help you around potentially bridging that gap between understanding what the problem is and how you may move forward? Here is a link to their website if you are interest / don't know it - 1800RESPECT.

I really hope you find the answers you are looking for - at the end of the day everyone has the right to be respected, feel safe and to be treated with dignity.

Warm wishes, 

FloatingFeather    

[Twilightsomniac]

Hi @Jlol,

I only read your initial post but what she is doing is emotional abuse and it doesn't matter what you sugar coat it with it's still abuse and I know you said she doesn't do anything physically but throwing stuff is physical whether it hits you or not.

I know there is a big stigmatisation around domestic abuse and how men can't be victims but as someone who grew up with an abusive mother who broke my father's bones, I have to say it is my point of view to say you are in an abusive relationship. 

I'm sorry I said that harshly but i really believe that if you can't get her to see she is being abusive then you should really consider leaving it doesn't take much to go from throwing stuff to putting you in the hospital and as a woman I can say we aren't weak and we can be just as brutal as males can.

[Paperdaisy]

Hi @Twilightsomniac Thank you for sharing that with us. It must have been hard to witness that growing up. Everyone has a story and sharing our stories empower others. I hope this thread has helped you feel a little less alone @Jlol and I would really encourage you to seek support and call 1800 Respect if you would like some guidance from them. I have been in a similar place before and felt trapped, but getting out was the best thing I ever did! 

As a mod, I just have to remind everyone to share from your own experiences and encourage people to reflect on what that might mean for them. It is important to refrain from being directive as this could make others with a lived experience, feel ambushed and that's the last thing we want here. This should be a safe and inclusive space. Please feel free to read over the guidelines again if needed, they can be found here.

Thanks everyone, please stay safe 💝

[StanD]

Hi @Jlol I don't have much to add. I agree with @Paperdaisy about feeling ambushed. I am trying to get out of what is 'Abusive' relationship too. The more people tell me to leave, or tell me what to do, the more confused I become.

I think the best thing anyone can say - at least in my experience - is that we support you, no matter what you choose to do.

I put 'abuse' in quotes because, in my lived experience - this one word does not accurately reflect what is happening.

For me, I feel trapped, because I am trapped. All the things you mentioned plus more. Financial, emotional, mental support. 

The idea of leaving & living my best life, alone is liberating, appealing, peaceful. 

It's shameful to admit - but it's like I have chosen a level of 'abuse' that is better than the alternative of being alone.

When I hear the label 'abuse' it confuses me. Yes, of course no body deserves to live powerless & in fear. Yes, of course the healthy choice is to move on.

We are not stupid. What is it that blocks this from happening?

Partly for me it is about housing shortage & affordability. I need long term solution. I don't want to move away, only to find myself somewhere that use even worse.

I'm guessing, if you are like me - your partner is not open to counselling or working on changing themselves to prioritise you.

I'm not sure if I should share this next part - but - the reality is , is that the world is not an equal society. 

I understand you are male. I'm proud of you for speaking up. 

Here is one example where there is gender bias.

Abuse?

Females can do the exact same job as a man & be paid less.

Financial abuse?

I'm not sure what point I'm making. There seems to be lots of BS...... Or really, Victim Blaming, is how I see it.

In sorry to say you are in abusive relationship. My friend was & got out - best thing they ever did @hanami & others I think mentioned similar sentiments.

I would actually challenge this type of thinking. I have not found statements like these to be supportive or helpful. 

My problem is not an intellectual one. My problem is not being able to acquire adequate support, in a world that is full of abuses.

Maybe the best advice my DV counsellor gave to me (-whilst she never helped me escape or find safe housing) 

Is that the way to escape, is to involve myself in the community.

I am intoverted too. Shy, ashamed to share my story. Trying to put this broken body & soul in meeting new people when I am at my weakest is the most terrifying & confronting thing I've done.

I'm repeating cycles - only with different people now.

It is not the 'cure' I needed. It helps me to learn, that I can be strong without leaning on abuser.

And, it's a dynamic. He is abuser, I am victim. At times, it swaps.

My boundaries are all messed up. 

The other thing that is helping me most is talking.

1800respect has had massive impact on me. 

Reaffirming Im not crazy. 

As @FloatingFeather & others mentioned, I think finding supports that help me feel calm, safe, supported, understood, is what I need.

It's really hard. I hope you can get help. I'm not out yet. I wanted to be out months ago. Not my fault. I've been ready for months. There just aren't any supports. At least I have not found yet. Each day, another part of me dies. 

It is hard enough asking for help. When help rejects. It's worse than if i didn't ask at all.

Amongst it all. I have moments that give me life & strength to keep going 1800respect was maybe a life changing moment for me. 

I think you will get yours too. It doesn't change circumstances, or help in any way. Except to remind me, I am better than this. I deserve better.

Peace bro.

[tyme]

Hearing you @StanD . Hope you are okay. It sounds like you are going through a lot at the moment.

Do you have any supports?

[StanD]

Hello @tyme 

My initial reaction to your comment was one of anger.

I am trying to see that your reply, in your own way - is showing  me that you acknowledge my pain.

I sometimes wonder, out of all the clients you have interacted with, that the depth of my pain is beyond comprehension.

I do have supports. They help me lots.

I don't have anywhere near the supports I reasonably need.

I am damaged & broken in a way that I need 24 hour care. At least for a few months to make it so I can begin functioning like a capable human again.

I'm barely existing at all anymore.

[hanami]

Hi @StanD 

I noticed you were feeling pretty down yesterday. Are you feeling any better today?

Warmest wishes

Hanami

[Jlol]

Thanks StanD

Yes your situation sounds very similar to mine.

The financial thing is something that's never mentioned either. I pay the lion's share of the mortgage but if we split up she would get half. She would financially benefit from us splitting up, and I would be in debt (I spoke to a lawyer about this).

Of course too if we broke up I would be the one living in the car. That's scary in its own way. Particularly around work. One of the big things I worry about is living in a car, not having access to showers or a good nights sleep, going through something scary and emotionally devastating and then going to work the next day and functioning normally because I need an income to pay these debts.

I think what blocks us from moving forward is the lack of support - from where to go and live, to financial advice, but above all emotional support.

[StanD]

Hello @hanami thanks for asking how I'm going.

I don't want to be depressed & complain.

I hate everything I'm going thru.

I want to be happy, carefree.

I'm sad about so much.

Yes @Jlol you described it perfectly.

It really irritates me that people feel they have the right to say, I need to move out.

I cannot tell you how many times I have been asked if I have friends or family to stay with. 

Sorry, I don't know the answers, any more than you.

I can't believe this has been going on as long as it has.

And then I blame myself for this.

Not getting out - being healthy.

Where is healthy?

As soon as anyone can show me, of course I will choose this.

Who wants to be miserable xx

[MJane69]

@Jlol I am beyond sorry to hear of you being treated this way.

I want you to realise that this relationship is no partnership. Partners instinctively look out for & care for each other. It's natural instinct. I'm not interested in what your partner may have experienced to cause her to behave this way to you. YOU are being bullied! Can you arrange alternative living arrangements or are you bound financially or through circumstance?

Take care of you