Lived Experience Forum

[Zombatron]

The worst part about having chronic depression, is that when the good days stop, when the distractions fade. You feel it so hard... and this isolation ain't helping.

One thing I've learnt the past couple years is that you should never hold things in and push through alone, cause as soon as you talk about what's going on in your head, as soon as you bring others into your thoughts. It truly makes things easier..

So, I'm going to talk about my life. About what I've been through, and if you don't want to read about it, then don't. That's fine.

This isn't a cry for help, this is me helping myself. So don't stress, don't fret. I'm not going to do anything stupid.

My earliest memory of my Dad is in the parking lot of a train station, I don't know what time it was but It was getting dark. I was walking to him with my sister in hand, not wanting to go with him because of the shit he would say/do. I don't think he loved us, he just wanted us so he could hurt my Mum. I remember my soccer games, that he hated taking me to. Where he would lock my sister in the car so that she couldn't go see Mum, because it was HIS weekend with us, so who cares about Mum.

I remember him telling us that Mum was a terrible person, that is going to jail where she belongs. The things he would say about her were so horrible I didn't know what to believe, cause I knew she was an amazing woman. But why would my Dad say these things if they weren't true?

Then Mum met someone new and things were great, he would spend so much loving time with us. Take us to the park, play with us, fight for us. He never wanted kids, but he wanted us. Then we moved to Melbourne... things changed. My first memory of Melbourne is of me and my sister, standing in the laundry room looking out into the back room where he had thrown my Mum onto the floor, he was on top of her, screaming (omg, this was something I'd never seen before. The hate in his eyes. The foam/spit coming from his mouth). Mum kept yelling at us to run, but we couldn't move. Frozen in fear. How could this person, we learned to trust, be doing this?

The next 7 years were hell, we learnt very quickly to walk on eggshells. But we were kids, we'd brake them from time to time. And who would get the blame? Me. I took the full force of his anger, I was terrified to be at home. So I started riding bikes with my friends. This is where we got into a lot of shit. I'm sorry Mum, but we started smoking, drinking, stealing... anything to keep me away from that house.

I hated school, I couldn't concentrate because I was too terrified to go home. I didn't want to mess up because he'd find out, then I'd be punished... so because of this my grades were slipping, I started misbehaving, not because I was naughty. But because that's what my friends were doing and I needed them.

Things got worse when we moved to the farm, I couldn't distract myself with my friends any more because they were a 30 minute drive away. He got animals, chickens and pigs. And guess who got forced into looking after them. I had to feed them by myself, I was so scared of Bart (the boar). Then when he attacked me and gave me my scar on the back of my leg, I stopped sleeping. The nightmares it brought. Bart, braking into the home and unaliving me in my sleep. So I didn't sleep, I lay awake, doing nothing but worry. Until I found video games, it was my escape. Something to keep me busy.

The first (and only time) he hit me. due to me not sleeping I would take long showers in the morning to wake myself up. This, he was not happy about, so he would ask me. Well, yell at me. "Why you taking such long showers" I didn't know what to say to him to make the yelling stop so the only thing I could manage to say was "I don't know". He hated this, and this particular morning, idk, he was really mad. So he punched me, in the side of the head... at this point in my life I had been hit twice before, both by a little kid. But this time was different, this was an adult, that didn't hold back. And the only thing Mum could think to do to get us away from him while he was like this, was send us to school. I remember walking into class 10 minutes late, trying to hold back the tears. When the teacher asked why I was late, I couldn't hold it in. I burst. This was when the police got involved, which obviously made him madder. Cause in his eyes, he'd done nothing wrong. But I was the little whimp that told on him.

I still remember when he would sell drugs in front of me, I don't even know if he was sober enough to know I was there. The conversations Mum and I would have about the situation. Conversations that a 9 year old shouldn't be having but I was forced to have because of his mistakes.

The worst part about all this was seeing what he did to my Mum, throwing her through a glass door. Braking her collar bone. Smashing her things. And there was nothing I could do about it. I wanted to protect her and I couldn't, which hurt more than the things he would do to me. The first actual fight I got into was because this guy at school was shit talking my Mum, saying such nasty things about her. I couldn't protect her before, but I could protect her now. So I threw him to the floor, man did it feel good. I told him never to talk shit about her again. As I walked away he stood up and tried to hit me, so I counted and punched him so hard he fell to the floor again. This drew a lot of attention from the school bullies. Which meant i started getting bullied. I didn't care, they could never do the things he could do. They started following me home from school and jumping me. Again, I didn't care. The next fight I got into was one of the bullies had my close friend up against the locker. Punching him. All I could think about was not being able to stop Him. So I walked up to the bully grabbed him, and threw his head straight into the locker, i said "don't you ever touch my friends again" which he didn't. It felt so good being able to protect someone i cared about.

The next couple of years things went down hill fast, I developed depression and anxiety. I never thought I was good enough. I hated myself for many reasons, it got to the stage when neither him nor the bullies could hurt me any more than I hurt myself.

This spiral went on for a while until the day id had enough. I decided it was time I'd end it. I planned it out, I wrote a last message to a close friend (a final cry for help). Then went to sleep, the next morning I was planning on going to the train station and stepping in front of a train. But I awoke to police at the door, who took me to the hospital.

The worst part about everyone knowing, was the looks they gave. I was the time bomb, everyone spoke to me differently. Everyone treated me differently. This made things worse. Mum and I started arguing, she was trying to help me, but didn't know how. I didn't know how to communicate to her how I was feeling. She started punishing me for not going to school by taking away the internet, which at that point was my only life line. I had people I could talk to, that could understand me. I had video games, which I had built to take my frustration out. But all that was gone, which meant I got angry. We started arguing more and more till the point I kicked a hole in the door out of anger. She gave me a date and said that if I don't fix the door, then I had to leave. So I did. I turned to the worst person I could have. Him. I hated living with him. Then he offered his warehouse for me to live at. I thought it was my lucky brake. Boy was I wrong. I was not ready to live by myself, there were times where I would go a week without eating. Because I had no food. People tried helping, but I didn't want the help. I didn't believe I was worth the effort. I didn't believe I was going to survive past 20.

Screw you for making me doubt myself! Screw you for making me believe that im not worthy!

I will become a better father, a better man then you ever were! I wont let my failings hurt those around me! DW, you let me down for the last time, and now... now you've lost your only son.

And don't think I've forgotten about you SS! Using that silver tongue to make me think im the one that messed up! You're the one that hurt us! You're the one that continues to put the people i care about at risk! You're the reason that I hate confrontation! The reason that I struggle to use my voice!

Yes there were moments where I thought you both cared, where you both showed compassion and sorrow for the torment you wrought.

But no matter how twisted you try and make things, you will always be a poison in my life. Always cause me to doubt myself. I hope I never turn out like either of you.

Unfortunately I don't know why i cant let either of you go, no matter how much pain you put me through, I always give you two another chance.

Depression is telling yourself "i wanna live, i wanna live" and hoping you'll believe yourself and its not that I don't want to be happy. Its despite how hard I try, I can't bring myself to be happy.

I feel suffocated. Embarrassed. Ashamed.

Why did I have to be this way?

Living has become this constant nightmare.

I know I dont want to die. But like an exit sign at the theatre, its always there. Glowing. Reminding me that there will always be an exit.

How can I describe the feeling of having no one by my side, when in fact. I do. Its strange knowing I have people that would help me and yet feeling so alone.

Writing this, and my last big post. I feel a certain power and control, that I cant seem to grasp on my own. Oh how I wish I could remove all of my demons and delete all of my fears. But I know they are apart of me, I know they'll never leave. So i wallow, in this sorrow. With little hope of a better tomorrow.

Trapped in my mind, dreading the time that beats and hurts me.

What more is there to tell? I'm living in my own hell, alone.

And maybe as the days go by and the nights drag on, ill find the strength to continue this tedious and scratched song.

Perhaps this smile will remain on my face and stay, allowing me to feel a little less insane.

Things started to change, I got a job. A home. A partner. I slowly crawled out of the hole I was in with the help of lots of friends. I learnt to respect life, and all its ups and downs.

Now, even though things were better. I still have those days, like today, where I feel like shit. But I think about the effect I have on those around me, the kids I teach, my friends, my family. And I know that I can't give up, I know that I help so many people and that people rely on my smile. So I can't go anywhere. I need to stay here to defend those I love, fight for those I care about. And make sure, no one goes through the shit that I've been through.

We need to deal with our issues, everyones got them, suicide is a very permanent solution, to a temporary problem.

Now my mum is in the hospital, things have become too much for her. And sadly, I cant take away her pain, I feel like I did back then. I feel useless, worthless. Theres nothing I can do for her except give her a shoulder to cry on. Its tough.

[Historylover]

Some folk think it is all about taking 'personal responsibility', but it's so much more complicated than that. We can't disconnect from our own or our family's history. It's part of us. I'm saddened to read your story, @Zombatron. Life is far tougher that it should be. 

I hope you'll just keep plodding along. You are worth it. 

I only have best wishes to send. I hope for better days ahead for you.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Zombatron,

Welcome to the Forums. My name is FloatingFeather and I am one of the peer support workers at SANE. It is nice to have you with us. Thank you for sharing your story with us - I hope it has helped a little at least to put it down `on paper' and let it out into the world.

I'm so sorry to read what you have been through - it wasn't okay and it wasn't right and I wish this never happened to you, your mum, and your sister.

It is really good to read despite the trauma you have gone through you didn't let it break you. You got a job, a partner, a home - it sounds like you found yourself through all this.

I'm sorry to read that your mum is in hospital at the moment and that this is triggering so many difficult memories for you. As a mum of adult children I feel it's safe to say that you, just your presence, means the world to your mum. You are very useful, worthy and just being there for your mum I'm sure would mean so much.

I wish you and your mum nothing but the best. Thank you for your rawness and for sharing. 

Warm wishes,

Floating Feather 

PS. just a couple of tips to help you around the Forums a bit:

Tip 1 - if you want to directly chat with someone on the Forums use the @ symbol and then start typing their name directly after it. A dropdown box should appear, and you then select their name. This ensures that they are notified of any posts you mention them in.

Tip 2 – the most recent posts are the latest page numbers

[theperksofbeing]

Ur story is really inspiring. Ur such an amazing person, and I can tell you have a good heart just from ur intentions and the way you protect people you love. I hope you forgive yourself and heal from everything that has happened. Don't blame yourself for the things you had to endure or do to survive, you were a young kid and you were trying your best with the way you knew how. Hope you're doing good, and taking care of yourself!