Lived Experience Forum

[Patches59]

Trigger warning

I grew up an only child to 2 wonderful caring and loving parents and was dads girl for as long as I can remember.  Family home wasn’t far from primary school to which I used to walk to and from each day.  I grew up with 4 male figures in my life …. My dad, my mums youngest brother, my dads only sibling and my next door neighbour.  4 men who I adored that all had easy going, relaxed, careful natures.

my dads father was a fussy old man who believed, like his 2 sons, I should play sports.  I was a bookworm plus loved watching tv programs about animals.  I have almost no memories of him, those I have are mainly of him and I arguing about what he wanted as compared to what I wanted.  This started happening when I was 6 or  7 year old.  

I was 9yo when my dads brother committed suicide in the home he shared with his dad.  I have flashbacks of being led through the room he would have been in and the scene hadn’t been fully cleaned up.

between ages of 12 and 13 my dads father died, my mums mother died of heart attack, my mums youngest sister died of heart attack and my dad suffered his first stroke.  Things with my dad didn’t change for awhile but over time he became verbally and physically violent.  Mum spoke to family doctor who kept saying dad would get better.  At some stage mum put padlock on my bedroom door to try to stop dad getting into my room and destroying my homework, school uniforms or anything else he got his hands on.  I had various things thrown at me and my dad drove his car directly towards me during the years.  Only thing he never damaged was the walls and furniture in the house.

at 16 1/2 mum and I fled the house on a weekend that my dad was out of town and moved to different suburb.  This saw me having to catch 2 buses to and from school each day and having to stand around in heart of the town waiting for bus connections, entire time constantly on look out for my dads car.  Only few weeks after fleeing childhood home I saw car same as my dads whilst walking to catch first morning bus.  Police assisted in getting mum and I moved within short period of time.  

20 yo and my dad was admitted to psych centre of local hospital where brain scan showed severe old brain injury.  Dr in psych centre mum and I spoke to said amount of damage was due to either severe brain injury, long term heavy drinker or severe stroke.  For me, the horrors of constantly watching everywhere I went every day was over.

couple years later due to issues with toenails on both feet I became an amputee and had to learn to walk again.  I never completed my certificate at tertiary level and lost all interest in everything.  

in my 30’s and up to mid 40’s both my parents died from heart attacks, my mum taking first heart attack on day she died in my arms at front door of my home.  August that year I had gone overseas for month holiday and my mum had heart attack at airport just after I went through into departure lounge.  From sept to 23 December that year my mum lived at my home and I was her full time carer.  Few weeks after my mum died I couldn’t cope and planned suicide.  Never went through with it and was referred by local dr to therapist.  Also during these 15 years my childhood neighbours both died and my mums youngest brother.  I lost my parents plus 3 other people who were like second parents to me.

in 2014 my mother in law died of cancer.  I saw her twice which she was in palliative care ward and could not find the courage to visit her again.  She reminded me so much of my childhood neighbour, it felt like I was loosing her all over again.

2019 my husband was diagnosed with terminal cancer.  Chemo did not agree with him and he was constantly in and out of hospital due to infections and massive fluid retention.  Due to first infections he almost died at home on 2 January 2020.  I took leave from work and became his full time carer until he died at home in April 2020.

about 6 weeks after my husband was diagnosed with cancer I was involved in near fatal car accident.  My husband was in hospital with bronchitis and I was on my way home after visiting him.  Truck veered into same lane as me, my car was almost level with the truck cabin.  My car spun numerous times across one side of 3 lane highway finally stopping on gravel in median strip in between a tree and an electric light pole.  My car was very badly damaged and was almost written off.

after ongoing bullying and harrassment at work I retired early in July 2022 age 59years.  Couple weeks later I started volunteer work with business that helps rehabilitate traumatised and homeless cats.  I was rostered for one half day each week plus on days when I was feeling low or sad I used to spend time sitting and talking to the cats.  Due to verbally abuse from person at the business I quit the volunteer work early this year,

in feb this year I started trying to sell my home to enable me to move to area where I will have support and people around me plus is a gated community where I hope to finally feel safe.  My house didn’t sell until June.  Due to availabilitiy of houses in the new area I’ve signed intent to purchase contract for 3 different houses, each time being transferred from one to the next.  I’m due to move to my new home in early October but doesn’t feel real and still expecting something else with go wrong.

I have started writing a journal regarding my life experiences, most events I can write about as if I’m watching everything playing out but I’m not involved and I’m completely numb.  Some events I have don’t remember much about and others I’ve having unwanted flashbacks about and panic attacks.  For last couple months I’m terrified of being near trucks or large vehicles.  Also finding thoughts of being more than 30minutes drive away from home sends me into panic attacks

im on medication plus am seeing a therapist and have seen her twice so far.  After first session I felt ago.  After the second session I feel I’ve gone backwards …. Wanting to completely isolate again, mood swings are back and feel I can’t trust anyone I know

[NatureLover]

Welcome! Oh gosh, I am so very sorry for all the tragedy in your life, @Patches59 😞

Well done for seeking help for your grief and trauma. I want to encourage you that therapy does go backwards and forwards, but it's worth persevering. I have found a lot of healing through years of therapy. 

---

@Patches59 wrote:

Also finding thoughts of being more than 30minutes drive away from home sends me into panic attacks

---

I have this too...I'm diagnosed with agoraphobia, but it can also be related to PTSD or anxiety sometimes. 

I hope that things improve for you and that your trauma slowly heals... 🤞

An important forum tip is if you type @ and then click on a name in the drop-down box, that person will get a notification and won't miss your reply.

I hope you find the forums supportive...