I've been in a very long-term relationship - 46+ years. This goes back to the beginning when we first got together. At the time everything fitted and made sense and it has been like this since them, and we have three adult children. During some recent tidying up and de-cluttering my partner discovered some old minutes which differ to both our recollections of what happened 46 years ago, and its timing. It now appears that I was likely to already have been pregnant when we first got together. I had left my previous boyfriend by then. All the signs were there that I was not pregnant (yes, I did have a period after we split, sorry about the TMI), but in hindsight we were naive and accepted that our firstborn was a month or so early. Looking back now, with all the life experience we have he was too well-formed to have been early. We suspect it, my partner is very accepting and is being supportive, but I am really concerned about telling our eldest. Do we tell him? Yes, we're planning to this week so it's not a "family secret" because we've seen them cause ongoing issues within my partner's family. The plan is to tell him and see whether he want to follow it up with DNA testing. Once we tell him all decisions about who is told will be up to him entirely, including his two siblings. Just him or his partner at the same time? Should I warn her first - no details just that it may be a traumatic discussion. To add to the trauma for him I discovered his possible genetic father died last year aged 65 suddenly which is another reason to tell him. I am really sad about this. There was one daughter from his (potential bio father) marriage, so there's another consideration. I am unable to do much right now, I keep randomly crying, thinking my son may reject me, he can blame me if he wants to. Remember this was 1978 - it wasn't possible to buy a pregnancy test back then, Google wasn't around - you had to go to a library to look up detailed information. I was 19. If anyone has been there please let me know how you coped and what you did.
Hey @Nemo1, thank you for sharing your experiences with the community!
It sounds like you are going through an understandably tough time with your family. I think anyone in your situation would be unclear on how to approach telling your son. You are very resilient in having carried this for so long and brave to reach out for support in the Forums.
I have not experience anything like your situation, but I totally get what you said about the lack of information and having to potentially go to a library in the 70's. I am transgender and had the same experience of being young and scared to research it at the library and there being a lack of information around. I get that part, and you can't hold it against yourself as it was a different time and yes you were young.
I encourage you to continue to reach out to your peers here on the Forums as there may be someone who has experienced something similar. I wish the best of luck in letting your son know this news and hope it turns out for the best.
I'm sorry I have not been anywhere close to this situation so can only offer my opinion, and my heart goes out to you and your family during this tough time.
The answer is yes. You should tell him. I say this because he deserves to know, and as a Son I would want to know. Even though it is a very hard truth to accept.
I wouldn't complicate things further by involving his partner.
Yes, your Son may reject you, he may blame you, and be frustrated, angry and confused. He is entitled to feel the entire gamut of emotions that this situation offers. He may feel like this for days, weeks, months or longer, and if that's the case all you can do is provide him with all of the information you have and continue to do so as things progress.
One thing that doesn't change is your love, and your partners love for your Son. For all intents and purposes your partner was his father, and it doesn't matter a whole lot whether you have the DNA to say otherwise. You, and your partner have no doubt dedicated your whole life to this young man, and sacrificed many things to give him the best life possible. I'm confident that in time he will understand, and appreciate this.
Thank you, we really want to do the right thing by everyone, and at this point everything is still supposition. Where it goes will be up to him entirely, and we will support him through it if he allows us to.
I'm a similar age to your child so here's some questions I might ask:
Why are you telling me now?
Why didn't you tell me sooner?
So make sure you have these answers ready... the who and whys etc - that is trickier.
As a parent I'm not sure I would share the WHO unless he wants to do the DNA to be certain. Try to limit the impact on the potential bio family, until it's not just a guess.
As to whether you tell his wife first - personally I would feel betrayed, but if it provides him with more support then it could be a positive. I have had people give bad news to my partner who has then decided whether to tell me and what to say - but this felt like I was being managed and controlled. Ie. He even stop me from travelling overseas to my eldest brothers funeral - instead of going with me. (Support vs control)
Hopefully she will be supporting whether she knows prior or finds out same time/later.
Thank you Mazz_SA We have worked out the circumstances as to how it happened only really during the clearing and cleaning here last week when we discovered we had both been very wrong about dates back then. It made sense at the time of course. This is why we're going to tell him this week - so it's not something we've been sitting on for 40+ years. I feel I should warn his partner that we are going to discuss something sensitive with him, not giving her the details in advance, so she is aware he could be upset, angry, sad, all the possible emotions. My son studied biology and genetics at uni so I can't see him not pursuing more information, even to satisfy his own curiosity. Of course there is a possible half sibling, an only child, hopefully an adult, to consider as well.
