Lived Experience Forum

[LostAngel]

Hi Friends Ive kind of improoved anxiety wise just need to write about something else, Emotional vulneralbility sorry for the mispelling but also think feeling vulnrable has made me feel agitated, how do I put this into words? Ok Ill try to restart what Im saying or trying to say , I had a momment today where I just started crying and had a bit of a self realisation about emotional vulnrability that is I let my gaurd down with someone and shared my feelings and just all these insecurities and emotions came upto the surface as I was allowing myself to be that emotionally ungaurded and I first I felt an overwhelming sense of fear at letting my emoions out and putting my gaurd down but as I shared what I felt it was kind of catarthartic or whatever that word is and in the momment I felt safe to let this stuff all these emotions and thoughts up and out of my system and the fear changed to an overwhlming sense of grattitude instead of fear ,and then I felt better ,but a few hours later its like Ive gone back to being angry at myself for letting my gaurd down almost as if Im chastising myself later on for being so open and honest and well raw emotions cause its like later on Im just angry with myself for putting my gaurd down and as if my habit Ive learnt to sef protect is saying why did you do that you know your suposed to keep your gaurd up to protect yourself,but heres the the thing its like my brain isnt happy that a let go of being hypervigiliant and now wants my gaurd up way too high again hope this makes at least some sense to anyone I felt safe in the momment but later my brains trying to almost tell me otherwise as if feeling raw emotionally was somehow wrong instead of right ,Im out of words now but thats basically it ,also am safe just to let you know

[tyme]

Hey @LostAngel ,

I want you to know you are not alone. It sounds so hard to face at the moment and that it's true about emotional vulnerability. 

At the same time, find things that keep you going. 

There IS hope and it IS worth it.

[Patches59]

@LostAngel, you’re not on your own.  Reading the things you have shared resonated with me so much.  I struggle with trust full stop and only have small number of people in my life I feel comfortable being around or talking to about general things.  I have 2 people that some how I know I can be myself with (warts and all as the saying is).  Spent time with one of these people yesterday who at one stage asked what’s wrong, felt like she gave me the ok and ability to open up and tell her some things.  After awhile I said it’s no wonder my brain is a mess. She started to smile and in a jovial light hearted tone said, “yep, that’s you” and be both laughed.  I took no offence to what she said as knew she was trying to cheer me up.  For me, I some how know when it’s ok to tell some one things about my mental health and my past including traumatic events I’ve experienced.

try not to punish yourself for opening up to some one.

You have a lot of courage and inner strength, it’s not easy sharing things with other people.  

[CrazyChick]

Hi @LostAngel 

I often feel like this too - having to put a guard up to hide who I really am, as I don't want to be vunerable to judgement and exploitation by others. I am so tempted to let the guard down and feel good about being able to be more open, but that comes with risks that really scare me. I don't think that people want to know the real me. There are too many people who I have known who tried to get me to trust them, only to let me down in really hurtful ways. I feel really guilty and scared when I have accidentally let my guard down, as I worry the slip up might be used negatively against me. It is so exhausting to have to have that guard up all the time.

Thanks for posting about this. It is so validating to hear someone else going through this, even though I wish we didn't have to. 

[LostAngel]

thanks for understanding @CrazyChick and @tyme and anyone else who I forgot to mention ❤️

[tyme]

You're amazing @LostAngel 🙂