Lived Experience Forum

[Change123]

I'm sorry if you are sick of hearing from me, I'm not in a good place at all and feel like I cant cope anymore.

I was feeling a bit more in control yesterday as I saw my GP and have been referred to the assessment clinic to review my meds. Things took another turn at home, this time I set him off by responding to something in a defensive manner (shrieking my voice) and I didnt even realise  I did it.  He cant cope with me anymore he says and I dont know what to do, I dont know if I'm pyschotic like he says that I dont even realise how I react to something.  I apologised straight away when he made me aware of it but it was too little too late. He absolutely despises me for what I have put him through and reading other forums it seems to be  trend that spouses dont cope with us and I have seen the same hateful words he has used to me on these forums.  I thought it was his unmedicated bipolar that caused his reactions  to me but reading some other forums where spouses there have even said in writing that they wish their BPD spouse was dead and have said very similar things that my partner has said to me.  I know I have caused him a lot of pain over the years and dont know how to resolve this.  I'm at work crying and cant stop, I have had about 4 hours of broken sleep on a 2 seater lounge and feel I have reached my limit.  I want to go to the hospital but now with the hospitals charging for car parks I may not afford that as I dont have a lot of money at the moment if I have to stay overnight. I dont want to go home, I'm terrified for me and my partner as I feel so out of control and sometimes wonder do I instigate these things so I will push my partner to do something to me because I dont have the guts to finish myself off.

I'm completely lost and have no idea what to do and cant deal with this pain anymore.

I dont know why but I dont keep up things that I should do to keep me well.  I have done DBT I know logically how to do all this but its like I cant put into practice in real life the skills I have learnt.  I get very defensive due to PTSD, whenever my partner raises his voice I literally go into a panic attack from my childhood and also because I now feel scared of my partner. Everything seems to be like knee jerk reactions with me and I cant see it coming till I have already caused the damage.  Most of our issues are based on my defensive reactions and not being precise enough in my communications (ie. I mean something and it comes out all wrong), I also have major issues about pyhsical intimacy which is one of the biggest issues in our reltionship.  I just cant seem to stop and improve on these things.  

I have really had enough of this life its just been a living hell, I cant remember one time in my life where I have been REALLY HAPPY for more than a week, this goes back to the age of 8.  I'm tired and have no will to live anymore.

[Former-Member]

Oh @Change123 I am feeling for you. You must be in so much pain at the moment. Can you ring the mental health triage number and talk to them about how you are feeling. Just maybe that can help. I'm not sure if you've done it before. I did half a DBT course too but also found it all too much to implement at the time. I tend to turn things inward and understand how hard how hard it must be when it all comes outwards to people you love. My children used to react when I went off in my high pitched screaching voice. I've learned over time (years) to control it better because they would parrot it back to me. From an outside point of view I think you really could do with support. Surely it's better to have this and have a chance to work through things than let them continue to spiral out of control. You are so important and deserve to have help. If you are at the complete end of your tether now can you please ring Lifeline or Suicide call back service to keep you safe. I'm sure there will be happy days again. Hang in there. 💜😊🤗

[Lunar]

I'm sorry that you're struggling today @Change123, you sound like you're going through a very hard time and not sleeping well.

You mentioned you don't want to be alone tonight, is there a way you could try giving going to hospital a try? Is there a way you can get there in a cab so you don't have to pay for parking? Go in as a voluntary patient - even just for the night so you can feel a little bit better and get some space from your partner? - if you don't like it after that - ph your GP - you are free to leave when you choose. What does your GP say about hospital. Have you told them about your desire to go?

You don't have to be by yourself tonight - we're all here. If you want to chat with us as a form of distraction and getting to know others. Of course you're welcome to keep posting here and sharing what's going on as well.

If things do escalate tonight though please be sure to contact a crisis service. I have seen previously you have said you don't feel comfortable calling a crisis service, but there is also an online option:

Lifeline Crisis Chat

Suicide Call Back online counselling

Both are great services.

Keep in touch and please keep posting, take care

Lunar

[Change123]

@Lunar AND @Former-Member

Thank you for your responses, yes I was going to ring the triage at Noarlunga Hospital and have a chat at lunch.

Well when I saw my GP last night I felt better as I was taking control and things didnt blow up at home till about 10pm, she thinks its a good move for me to get my meds reviewed and said it was a great idea.  I have started seeing another one in the same clinic and during a very depressive moment had told her how I hadnt received any medical BPD support from this place, so she is going out of her way to help me.  I didnt mention the hospital as I didnt think I would need to go, I was feeling ok until it all started again.My GP knows my situatioin and has also said that I need to talk to someone whether its therapy or just a friend which I dont have.  I'm so isolated and no one knows what goes on in my life so I dont have anyone that can give me a clear picture on my situation with my partner.  I worry that what I say is just a one sided story and maybe he is right and I'm just really screwed up.  My perceptions is also a big issue I always ask him why he is angry when apparently he is not but to me he just looks angry all the time.  I did that last night I went into a panic and told him stop yelling at me and then he said I'm not yelling I  have a  very annoyed tone but not yelling or angry but that soon turned into anger.  He told me he wants to leave me but he is stuck as I earn the money and he hasnt worked for years. I feel like I dont know anything anymore and I'm really scared.

[Former-Member]

Hi @Change123, 

im really glad you know where to go to seek help. I would have gone under completely if I didn't have my therapist. I had no support at the beginning of this year and I was a complete mess. My relationship ended three years ago and it's been so hard but I'm finally in a place it's ok. My ex had me thinking it was all in my head too. And for some he was right and some he was very wrong. I left the psych ward and moved straight into a rental still thinking that I'd move back on with my ex when I was better. It didn't happen and I'm so grateful. What I see in your posts is someone who is trying so hard to find which way is up. You remind me of me with this. I don't have any answers but just wanted you to know that I think you should put you first and keep fighting for you. There are heaps of us who can support you on the forums but we can't really advise you what to do about your other half. It's not our place to do that as only you have to live with it. 

Feel free to tag me anytime you want to chat. I'm usually around somewhere. I'm always falling over and getting back up on the forums. Each week is a challenge to hold on sometimes but there is great support here to live through the roller coaster ride that BPD brings. I hope you are ok tonight. Yell out if you need some support. Take care @Change123 💜😊🤗

[pip]

Hi @Change123. When someone has a MI and they are trying to live with another person with MI, it's a double-edged sword. Your partner is using everything to manipulate you into staying so the abuse can continue. Perhaps it would be beneficial now to remove yourself from this unhealthy situation. He has isolated you from everyone and made you feel inadequate and unworthy. I think perhaps other people posting with helpful suggestions re: getting to hospital or a refuge might now be worth considering. The longer you remain in this unhealthy 'relationship' the more damaged you become. Try to accept that he does not love you, nor does he respect you. Please call someone for help, guidance and remember we're here, Beyond Blue and Lifeline is also there for help, support guidance. You can do this, but only you can do it. We can support, guide, but only you can do it. Don't be afraid of him, the police will also help if you need them. .

[utopia]

@Change123. I'm sorry he is blaming you again for his own reactions. I don't believe you are the cause of any of this. I think its just a convenient lie for him to tell you that.
You recognise his MI & triggers - but it doesn't seem that he recognises your triggers. A healthy relationship - means both people must understand the other.
Please - go to the hospital. Ask a work mate to drop you there or nearby.
Speak to the clinic again and advise them that your situation has deteriorated.
Please take this time in hospital, not just to look at your medication, but also as a time to reflect on the type of life you want to live.
I'm guessing that it's a more peaceful life than you are currently living now.
And no. You can never write into this forum too often. We are here to support people.
I wish you all the best.

[pip]

Hi @Change123. I fully endorse everything utopia says here. It is easier for your son to lash out and blame you rather than accept his illness. You have always accepted blame. Recognizing his 'triggers' doesn't give him the right to hurt you further. He needs to learn respect and perhaps backing off for a while and not just 'being there' might shock him enough to make him think a bit. No-one causes someone else's reactions. As we grow, we become responsible for our own thoughts, reactions, life styles etc. Please keep posting, never, ever think we're sick of hearing.