Lived Experience Forum

[Owlunar]

Hi @Gillie1 

We do have to protect our boundaries - it's vital - and toxic relationships can be so draining.

While I can't know how you feel about all of this - I was in a similar situation during the lockdown - I had met someone - we could have been movie buddies and we did go to a show once - but the lockdown meant we could only talk on the phone and - yes - over time with lady crossed boundaries several times and I had to cut ties with her - I did mail a little card saying my health wasn't good - true - and I had to look after myself - also true - and blocked her phone number - 

And I was sorry I had to do that. I really think though - a friend at any price is a burden and who needs extra issues when we have enough already.

It's a tough world out there - I am a friendly outgoing person - I enjoy the contact I have with the people in my daily life - people rarely get anywhere near my boundaries - still - they have to be maintained at all costs at times.

I hear you - this is hard for you - I understand - people here have given you some really good suggestions and support. I really feel for you and truly believe you have done the right thing for yourself.

All the best

Owlunar

[StanD]

@Owlunar And I was sorry I had to do that. I really think though - a friend at any price is a burden and who needs extra issues when we have enough already.

Yes!! Friends for free! Open the debate, tho I really love your whole take.

Thankyou for supporting

@Gillie1

[StanD]

Hi @Gillie1 I love your honesty. Thankyou. It's hard to open up. You did so well.

I can understand better the complexities.

Very brave to admit that you don't have the capacity to be vulnerable right now. 

I am going thru similar scenario. Kind of keeping ppl at arm's length. I'm not ready to really address core issues.

Maybe I am? Maybe that's exactly what I need to do.

I think what I'm really saying is I don't feel brave, or strong enough to endure potential fallout.

Like having a 'half' friend is better than none. Hmmmm.

I think I can relate to gravity of what you are wanting to ask of her. And maybe weighing up if it's ethical or fair to demand that?

Complicated.

I think, theoretically - if she truly is your friend, then it is not technically a break in confidence with other. 

I like that you are protecting yourself in this situation.

Only my interpretation - however, it sounds like you're gut feeling is that if you find the courage to express how & why things have deeply impacted you - she may try to disagree, or defend her position? And this is the part you cannot view with right now?

If I can offer my own insights regarding 'seeing how things go'. This sounds rational on surface & I would definately tend to do similar.

I can't help but feel this is very wrong. 

I'm sorry if that is wrong, my gut is telling me - this is a red flag.

I can't quite explain it.

No means no!

I don't like the idea of putting friendships & people & relationships & our own hearts in a place of 'oblivion'.

I am exactly the same.

It's a type of mental & emotional abuse. That sounds really harsh. Maybe I am wrong.

Be safe & look after yourself.

[Gillie1]

@StanD @Owlunar Thanks for your support guys you are right. At my gut I know I need to move forward not backwards and waiting to see is neither. I'll put something suitable together tomorrow.

Goodnight all.

[Owlunar]

a friend at any price is a burden and who needs extra issues when we have enough already.

Yes @StanD 

Let's open a debate - after all - we all need boundaries. Friends need to be - as you say - free - I agree - 

And a line in the sand is only in sand after all - not cement. 

All the best

Owlunar

[StanD]

@Gillie1 I'm happy for you & really glad my opinions held weight for you.

Yep @Owlunar ..wise. Analogy is crystal clear.

Gillie1 & Owlunar - I took my own advice last night. 

A request to 'clear the air' between 'friends?'

The response I got back was immediate & enthusiastic.

It threw me! 

In my mind I guess I was planning, a battle. I realised I didn't know how to proceed.

It was really awkward on my part. I think I didn't know how to say what I wanted. I became nervous & things were not flowing naturally.

I think I was too aggressive? It was a new situation for me. I was clear on my boundaries. An offer or 'treaty' type suggestion was given to me.

Usually, my first instinct would have been to accept. I felt welcomed & that it was enough. 

I went against myself, & refused.

I could see the scenario play out in my head. It would be ok & feel nice... For a time.

I did feel bad for being uncompromising & maybe putting other person in awkward situation.

It's not right to put 'pressure' on people.

I'm not that type of person. 

Eventually, I decided to apologise for being harsh. It felt right for me. 

I laid all my cards (I really dislike these phrases)

I said who I was. What I wanted for myself. My hurts. My fears.

Open & honest, best I could be.

I don't think I have lost this person now. We are yet to have contact.

I need me for a minute.

Gillies - I feel better. I feel closer to me!❤️

I will be sad if I've lost them. 

I can't do half friends anymore.

... concrete?

[hanami]

Hi @StanD 

It sounds complicated! I hope you can sort it out soon. We often need time to process and think. Always essential for me.

❤️

[Gillie1]

@StanD That sounds like some empowering vulnerability there Stan (Sorry I just finished watching Brene Brown on Netflix). Whatever the outcome I hope you stand up and feel proud for asserting your boundaries. And I hope your friend respects and values the effort you put in.

Once you have considered things and have that gut feeling that this is right, it's important to follow through. 

Let us know how it went generally if you can.

I'm about to take the dive same but different.

[StanD]

Thanks @hanami I guess it is complicated. Not for me! I'm not tough as I did tho. Lonliness not good.

@Gillie1 thanks for your support. It means heaps to me. It's like we always have a choice. Not always clear what the best choice is. I don't let feeling like I'm an afterthought. It's me that allows this.

Now... How am I going to find the b**ls to follow thru?

I actually have now ' bumped ' into this person whilst out!!

Hmmmm.

Still a half friend as far as I can tell.

I think I know it's right - what I'm doing.

It's kind of easy to let another person they are a priority. Not enough to love & leave.

Slightly drunk.

☮️

Let's hope I don't drunk text..haha...I think we all know I will.

[Owlunar]

I hear you @StanD - concrete - I get it. 

I think you did well - and you probably have mixed feelings about the whole thing and why not? It was hard and didn't run smoothly - 

I have left people behind in my life - it's never easy - in the beginning we have to grieve and think over what was said and it's confusing - toxic relationship are never good - never easy. I look back over my life and I know some people I lost touch with because of circumstances when people move away - working in the city I had friends all over the place - when I worked near home I lost touch - that's what happens and mostly there's little grief because we have to use our energy for our future.

But breakups - never easy - never good - it can be heartbreaking - 

Also - you felt you might have been aggressive - perhaps you were just assertive - being assertive means being aware of your rights and the other person's rights. As well as the proverbial line in the sand or the concrete - you deserve the other person's respect too.

I wish you the best - I hope you feel okay in the morning when a good sleep - I hope you get a good night - helps you to see things differently - 

But I hear you - concrete - yes - I understand.

Owlunar