(Beverage creation recommendation!! as I tend to type long replies a tea or coffee is recommended, maybe even a toilet break)
@Ed1975 I'll put my hand up for this one, I ended a 6 year relationship & destroyed my life piece by piece due to the effects of workplace PTSD, anxiety and depression, plus also allowing the haters (mainly family & children) to torture me and my ex fiancée, by not having the strength to stand up against them, I just wanted peace and for the horrors to end. I also loved her enough to push her away for the chance at happiness, for a life that I wasn't strong enough to give her at that time. and the last 18months have been hell as my family and children have got everything they wanted, shown their true colours and exposed their lies and deceit. Now I have next to nothing, never hear from the kids unless they can get something out of me, family still try to use and manipulate me wherever possible, I say try, I don't let them and have many boundaries in place now as I see how much of an idiot I was for allowing and doing all I did.
Try not to punish yourself for your actions, the past is the past and nothing can change that. If you have regrets and are ashamed of what you've done, then it's a lesson and you won't do it again. You make a mistake once, if you do it again it's a choice. In regards to not telling the ex wife everything, would it change things if you did tell her? apart from alleviating your guilt and it hurting her. As you've already lost her and there's no chance of getting back together, and it could make things worse it may be something you have to carry on your own for the rest of your life. Unless of course there was a chance she could find out what it is that you're hiding and then it would be worse than if you told her. Catch 22 really.
In regards to losing friends, yes, I have gradually cut them all off, isolated myself from the vast majority. Since surviving an attempt to "escape" the very few that I had left have distanced themselves from me.
Our actions depend on what we know, how we feel and what we want at that time, and if we were put in that situation again, with the same knowledge, thoughts, feelings and urges we would act the same again. It's not until the outcome / consequences are known and felt do we experience regret, shame, guilt and sadness, so yes we are human, we make mistakes, it's up to us if we learn from it or we suffer from it.
My general rule of thumb is be your best, try your best, and don't give up, just remember our best varies from day to day. Some days my best is getting out of bed and having a shower, other days it's doing some epic task that I've been stressing over.
Practise self love and self compassion, you may feel as though you're the worst person on the planet, but that's because you know your flaws, you know the wrongs you've done. Honestly you're not the worst person on the planet, you have guilt, you have regret and you're trying to improve yourself.
The past is the past, you can't change it, the future is uncertain for us all, so be present, focus on the now and the next immediate step. Every small positive step is a step down a positive path, which leads to a better you, a better life. If you trip up, that's ok, as long as you pick yourself up and keep going along that positive path.
