I still live in an environment where I don't feel safe in.
I know I shouldn't just bear with it but I'm hoping i can because i'm scared.
I know it's bad for me to stay here. It's not good for me. My family isn't healthy.
I know it's affecting my life. Triggering me. Leaking into making my studies harder.
I keep reminding myself that i just need to get through my degree. I want to support myself. Heal someday and get through.
But I feel like i'm tiring myself out as i go. And i think part of me knows I should leave.
I'm terrified. I'm scared of changing it all. I do not wanna break this family apart but we were never an actual family in the first place. A facade that I think we're aware of but try to deny.
I know they hurt me. And i do pity them. I do not wanna suffer like this anymore. And I know i cant have everything and i have to make a choice. Im just terrified if i can even deal with it. And my jobs. And study. And i dont know if i'll even have support.
I dont know. Or i do know.
I need help. Or I need to just suck it up and take the step. Watch things fall apart and then build it up again.
I'm terrified.
But i keep repeating this cycle over and over again. How did any of you do it?
If there's any advice I can get, or resources that'd be amazing. I think i'm just hung up on my attachments. I should really just do something and hope i handle it. I cant let fear control me. I just hate doing risky things.
Re: I either don't know what to do or i'm just scared
Hey @Kriss, thank you for sharing your experiences with the community!
It sounds like you are dealing with a lot at the moment, and you are demonstrating your resilience by reaching out to your peers. It's not easy to be vulnerable in the community, and you are really brave in sharing your story.
I can relate to your experiences with my gender and transition to female as I identify as transgender. My family were very supportive of my MH and actually encouraged me to take hormones to transition medically, but only if I took a low dose. When I took a higher dose and later started to present female, they were very abusive and discriminatory to the point that I had to set boundaries with them and reduce my contact to protect my wellbeing.
Fortunately, they are coming around now but it is still not what I would have hoped for and there was so much damage done and a huge rift created becasue of how they treated me. It has defenately been a journey and the experiences are somethign that I could have done without. But I do see how it has made me stronger and more resilient to other people in my life and the communtiy.
I'm curious how you think you might approach how your family are treating you? It's important to maintain your wellbeing, particularly while you are studying. And it's totally ok to look forward to a time in the future when you can have inderpendance and be free of the shackles that you have atm.
