Friends, Family & Carers Forum

[Anastasia]

Hello @SJT63 

I've left work now and can respond properly. Firstly I hear you. Secondly but no where near less so I am concerned for you. 

Please hear me cause I genuinely care...

Please ask yourself a couple of things...

1. Is love enough?

2. How would you feel/react if this was your child in your position?

3. What advice would you give them?

I'm not going to say what to do, I don't have that luxury. Please though dig deep. I've been there, I know it's hard. The unknown IS scary. I wish I could be more than I can be in here but I am here for you holding your hand and sending you in abundance strength, hope, love and all that you need to make the best decision for you S. 🙏💕

[Appleblossom]

Hey @SJT63 

Good you are making it to work.  Sad how sometimes that is easier than intimate relationships. 

Figuring out which boundaries to keep reinforcing is not easy, but seems you are doing all you can.  I resonate with a lot of your post, but not got a lot of words atm.  I will check that post about aspergers.  I have a gf who was warning me about letting de facto partners in to the home.  One fella "wanted" to marry me but I knew he would have set himself up sitting pretty in my place, obliovious and happy as larry, and i would take to the streets tp get some peace, so hearing you about house ownerships questions.  

Take Care Apple

[Faith-and-Hope]

Love and hugs @SJT63 ...... 

My decision was made for me - I got discarded ....., big-time ...... still in the legal fallout 18 months later.

Hearing you Hon and wishing you the best.  I am on your cheer squad.

[AussieRecharger]

Hey @SJT63

You have been doing this for a while now, when I first found the forums, your post was the first one I read and it had stuck my mind for months before I actually joined.  It has astounded me with the courage you have to keep continuing with this situation.  

Are you sure your not a hobbit? You sound like you have the courage and conviction to take the ring of power and cast it into the fires of mount doom without any hesitation.

[HenryX]

@SJT63 

Hello SJT

I've seen a lot of posts regarding your situation.

If nothing has improved since our last discussions, which appears to be the case, you are putting yourself through a lot of pain that may serve no purpose other than to extend an already intolerable situation, that has no meaningful benefit for either of the people involved. It is possible that you may be preventing the crisis, that you think will inevitably happen, from occurring. It is likely that that crisis may lead to some significant intervention that you may, indeed, be preventing from occurring. And in the process, as others and I have said, you are actually putting yourself in harm's way.

You should not hold yourself responsible in advance for events that may, or may never occur. And whatever events occur in the future will not be your fault, or even relate to you at all, because we have seen that you have put in the best possible effort. I believe that his family have and would continue to say the same thing. Indeed you have actually referred to their concerns for your welfare. You said in one of your previous responses on the forum that

“I've been with mine going on 3 years now and not a day goes by where I don't wish I'd pulled out after 6 weeks”.

Maybe it is now time to consider that option before you really get hurt, psychologically, more than you have already been. Or more significantly now, in a physical way.

An expression that I recall from my youth is that “we cannot save people from themselves”. However, I believe that we can prevent, by our actions, those events from occurring that should occur. And all with the disadvantage and trauma that we see you putting yourself through.

You are also delaying or preventing whatever good in life that may otherwise have come your way or may do so, in the future. What I have seen in our discussions before, is that you are an accomplished woman in your own right. You have a very good command of language and issues around you. Well, I wonder if it is really time to step back and, possibly with professional assistance, review your situation as I have seen others often recommend to you. It is a case of

“seeing the wood among the trees”.

Time and again, other people on the forums and I have offered you support and comfort in the only way that we possibly can here. But it has come to a time when everyone standing around the ring-side is unhappily looking on as one of the combatants who is punch-drunk refuses to lie down. It is a most unpleasant spectacle.

SJT, it is with a very heavy heart that I write this note. I would have and did wish for a better outcome. However, all I can offer are these words.

I would like to see a better future for you than the one that is projected at the present time.

With as much Support as This Note can Carry,

HenryX

[SJT63]

@AussieRecharger I might be a hobbit as I am only 4'10.

One if the things we have to keep in mind is that a lot of us turn to the forum for support when we are at our lowest and most vulnerable. 

My life is not always as bleak as it seems when I vent here.

In the post after yours I got a well deserved bollocking from Henry for always whinging but never taking action. 

Right now I'm on my phone but intend to reply properly to several comrades in arms when I get on the pc again soon.

S

[SJT63]

@HenryX @Faith-and-Hope @AussieRecharger @Appleblossom @Anastasia @Shaz51 

et al....

I present two very different responses to my recent posts.

1. "  It has astounded me with the courage you have to keep continuing with this situation.  ..... You sound like you have the courage and conviction to take the ring of power and cast it into the fires of mount doom without any hesitation."

and

2. "Time and again, other people on the forums and I have offered you support and comfort in the only way that we possibly can here. But it has come to a time when everyone standing around the ring-side is unhappily looking on as one of the combatants who is punch-drunk refuses to lie down. It is a most unpleasant spectacle."

So which do I believe? It's been a week since I've written anything although I have been reading. I have to say, without comment No. 1 I would have cancelled my account with the heartbreaking resignation that everyone was sick of me whining about Mr S. 

My first thoughts were to never post again, only reply with sage and supportive comments to others in need, but time does make a difference.

One of the things that is constantly stressed to carers is the need for self-care. We are told we need to bring our needs to the forefront at time in order to continue in our roles. One of the things I do for self-care is vent my spleen with others in similar situations here on Sane. 

Am I a waste of everyone's time or a beacon of courage and hope? 

And, more importantly, does it matter?

My life is not a constant nightmare. As all who care for people with complex mental health issues  I have some very, very bad days (weeks, months) but there are good days too. When I see the demons leave him and he looks at me with such love and gratitude as he realises I'm still here and my arms are still open... well it makes me feel like maybe I am a good person after all. 

Do I wish I'd pulled out of this relationship when I saw the first red flags after 6 weeks? Yep, absolutely; but hindsight is a curse. Can I pull out now that so many people are depending on me? Absolutely not. It will only end if it ends badly. It probably will end badly at some point as he will harm himself or harm me..... but then again, maybe not. Maybe we will find a balance somewhere between his tantrums and my vulnerability and live happily ever after.

What I've realised about myself in the last week is that I've developed a sort of Pavlovian trauma response when he starts to lose it, immediately cowering and becoming subservient, and that is making him angrier. I head back into therapy soon to work through this so that my responses will be less irrational.

Do I keep venting here? Well, we all do that, don't we? If things are ok we spend less time reading and commenting and when things turn base over apex again we seek solace from each other and surely that is the point of the safe place we find ourselves in here?

I am confused. The member who made comment #2 is not the first to tell me to stop complaining if I'm not prepared to do anything about it; they told me I was too negative. Maybe I am. I will try to post some good news as well from time to time so that your perceptions of my life are more balanced. 

I do spend my entire life changing and adapting to the needs of others so why not here as well.

Stay tuned for a good news post.

xoxo S

[TideisTurning]

Hi @SJT63, it sounds like you've had a lot on your plate. I'm concerned about how you're going so will send an email to check in. 🌷

[AussieRecharger]

Hi @SJT63,

My thoughts on the 2 comments revolve around time.  We all come here searching for hope and as you said, a place to vent.  I hold hope for you and if this is how you wish to live, aiming for the moments that matter and you are happy to forgo all the time where the moments are not what you wish than that is your cause. 

For some people what you are going through is complex, it is honestly one of the most hardcore things you want to read and you really do want to jump through the computer screen and be there to defend you during those times of duress. But alas, these are choices and it is your choice to put yourself in the position. You acknowledge that there is a higher percentage of things that will end badly than become normal.  

While i hold hope for you and i wish you the best, I would let you know that if you choose, you can have a different life. You just need to accept that those you leave behind will have to take responsibility of how that will end badly.  By you leaving this situation, does not mean that whatever happens next is your fault.  One of my favourite sayings to my kids is "you can pick your action, but you can't pick your consequence." 

The consequences of Mr S actions are not your responsibility to bear. 

Keep on being you @SJT63, I will be around to keep hoping for the best for you.  

[Faith-and-Hope]

We are always here to listen @SJT63, and it is not at all whining ...... it can take a ping time to come to terms with highly complex circumstances, and like you, part of me wishes I had jumped ship long ago when the red flags first made a confusing and hazy appearance in my own situation, such that I wasn't sure for a long time whether I was imagining things.  NPD's "scramble the radar" for an Empath .....

If I had jumped ship I would not have my beautiful children, and there were exceptional circumstances in our life that I absolutely count as blessings.  There is no straightforward answer, and I mulled things over for 4 years here before my now-ex showed his true colours and the true nature of what I was married to.

I stand by comment no. 1 and will listen for however long it takes you to work out how to move forward and what critical choices to make.

❤️💞🌷