Life after Suicide……………………….

[StayOrGo]

TW: Discusses suicide

It has been just over 2 years since my suicide.

I have issues over what to call it, to say suicide attempt, implies that I failed at the task of dying, but I didn’t fail, I did suicide its just that ED bought me back.

I was so angry when I woke up, then the guilt tripping began, how could I do this to my family, how could I do this to my children, it would have ruined their life, what type of mother could leave her children behind, how could you be so selfish……………….

Have you suicided?  Did you awake thankful to still be on this earth or are you here because you’re shamed and humiliated for your choice? 

[AussieRecharger]

Wow @StayOrGo 

They are some full on questions. This is not a topic that I am able to provide input to but I do want to ask you if you are doing okay today?  

Can I ask you if you feel thankful today or are you still struggling with the same things that lead you down this path in the first place?

[hanami]

Hi there @StayOrGo 

Welcome to the forums and thank you for being so brave in sharing your story. I must be honest in saying as the moderator I thought you had incorrectly wrote suicide instead of suicide attempt. But the way you explain it makes sense. I can definitely see why you say it that way. I'm sorry you went through this experience and hope there are others here who may offer support. I do not have lived experience of this so can only offer that it's really great to have you here and I hope you find connection and support. 

Warmest wishes

Hanami

[StayOrGo]

Thank you for asking, I am not so great, but I am safe.

I don’t think I have had a feeling of thankfulness yet

I do struggle with the fact that it has been some time yet I still do not feel a connection to life. I’m floating a day at a time, not able to make future plans because when I try to in-vision a future there is nothing, a void.

Recently I have had flashbacks return (C-PTSD) I can’t see what I see in my head and be ok

I do have supports from a great mental health team but sometimes I don’t want to tell them I am not doing ok because I feel they have done all they can do for me.

[StayOrGo]

Talking about suicide is a difficult subject, I have lost a few friends when I have shared my experience, I don’t hold a grudge though, it scared them and left them very out side their comfort zone they just did not know what to say to me.

The more something is talked about the easier it becomes to hear it, if it is regularly in conversation even the most uncomfortable of subjects become easier and this needs to happen around suicide for the statistics to fall and the stigma to go.

[AussieRecharger]

@StayOrGo - Thanks for replying honestly. I am glad you are safe but if i was your mental health worker, I would want to know that you are not okay.  You mentioned friends not being around after you have talked to them but your MH team will have the training and support behind them so they can be there for you so do please reach out to them. 

On your connection to life.. I have never heard that statement before and it's kind of got me pondering about what my own connection to life is.  Like you, I have kids and previous to 2019 i was really struggling and I ended up selling everything and doing the travelling. I would not say i have a connection to life but I am a lot happier after taking time out for myself. during that time out, i met some many other people and i was able to bring others joy by just being there, I lost my 'occupation identity' and found that people were happy for me to be there as a person. 

I really like that question though, it got me thinking. 

[Bow]

I tried to suicide 3 times last year. Woke in ICU on a ventilator on all occasions. It’s a horrible scary experience. Today I wish they never saved me. Today I wish I succeeded. Nothing has changed.

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @Bow,

I'm really sorry things have been so hard for you and that today you are feeling the way you do. For you or anyone on here reading this, whilst the Forums are always here to support you we aren't a counselling or crisis centre. If at anytime anyone needs urgent help you can call any of the following services for immediate support: 

 Lifeline: 13 11 14 or Crisis Chat 

Suicide call back service: 1300 659 467 or online counselling 

Samaritans: 135 247 

If in immediate danger: 000 

I really hope things improve for you and anyone that is struggling.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[Appleblossom]

Hello @Bow 

We do not 'talk' a lot, and I know you have support from forumites, but I just wanted to reach out personally and say hello and that your post summed up a very difficult year. Wishing you better for this year.

@StayOrGo I use those same words in my mind and in my counselling sessions, as whether I stay or go.  Mostly I do not discuss it with any of my mental health team.  I am really used to people not being able to discuss it at all, mental health workers or people in general, and I do believe that needs to change, as denial can sweep the pain under the carpet so much it can become a reality.  I did not disclose until after I struggled with it for a long time.

There are some mental health approaches that do not escalate services to police mental health checks such as 

https://alt2su-nsw.net 

[Bow]

Thanks @Appleblossom