Im feeling pretty overwhelmed today.
Pain wise is pretty hard. I tried to call my Pain Specialist but their office is shut Thursday's and Friday's so I rang my GP Clinic and they were able to squeeze me in. One of the reasons I like them is they know me well enough to know if I call for a last minute appointment its important. Im hoping they can help me with something decent, I tried some pain killers Dad has, basic prescription pain killers, didnt help so hoping for next level up. Hopefully wont need it for long. As much as Im in pain constantly, Im not a huge fan of pain meds.
Im also pretty determined to do my own stuff myself. Like I can live with Dad doing the dishes or feeding the dogs for me for a few days but him doing my shopping, washing, making my tea, making my bed etc, I dont even like him driving me to the doctors, thats up to me so I have been doing that since my procedure. I waited until the 24 hour no driving thing had passed and went in to the shops. Ive always been that way but more so now that he has Mum and my sister in hospital and I cant help with either.
I woke up at 1am this morning, I was having that reoccuring vision of my sister when I found her. I was up for a few hours and then tried to go back to bed. I couldnt lay down, no matter what I did I couldnt get in a comfortable position, so I gave up. As most know Im not sleeping well at the best of times at the moment, so this is a bit too much for me to deal with.
I spoke to my Mum this morning, ER has pretty well finished with her now its monitoring her fluid levels, they are moving her closer to home for that though. Shes not happy because they dont know why she keeps falling, pretty sure muscle wastage and medication but Ive told her to see a GP about it and get them to investigate. Shes been seeing things as well, forgetting stuff etc, told her to speak to GP might be alzheimers, which would suck but answer so much.
I spoke to my sister and she made a threat about attempting suicide again. She is in a mental facility so I rang them and not long later had a very made sister on the phone. But Id rather her mad and alive than the other option.
Ive made some decisions regarding my sister, as much as I firmly believe suicide is the outcome of untreated psychiatric conditions and that those that attempt or succeed are not to be blamed but they are still accountable for their actions. My sister is acccountable for her attempts but that doesnt mean I should be running around trying to make everything awesome for her, or trying to make everything better. I cant do that, oour collective family cant. So, no more daily or every other day trips. She gets the cloths she gets etc. I simply cant keep going the way I have been, neither can my Dad.
I kinda feel like Ive been used, even to my own detriment and her knowledge that I was suffering mentally, physically and financially. I think Ive had enough of that
