Lived Experience Forum

[ClockFace]

I had an almost decent sleep tonight but I have woken really sad and as you know me and emotions are not best of friends, I dont know how to process this. Im feeling really overwhelmed like all the sudden everything thats been happening has hit me at once. Ive done my best to stay positive for my sister and family, to stay strong and keep it all together but today I dont have it in me, though Im still trying to seem ok.

My Dad is annoying me. The day after the last attempt he went and dropped off cloths so I didnt have to. Then I was to have a break. He then says he will go down the next day and at the last minute says hes not going to, too late for me to go down. I went down yesterday, 1/2 expected he would today but hes decided not too and I cant because I have doctors. Hes now going to go tomorrow while Im having surgery. Which makes sense but there is nothing stopping him seeing her 2 days in a row and bringing her clothes etc.

As you know Mum doesnt leave her room but is on about going to see my sister if my Dad takes her and pushes her in a wheelchair.

I feel like I am so alone in this, like trying to make sure my sister is ok all the time, that she has what she needs, that she doesnt feel abandoned. But no one, other than you fine people and the Drop in service are trying to do the same for me. There is something different about your family caring about your welfare than non-family, or maybe its them not caring as much as non-family.

Im sorry this is a real downer of a post. Maybe later Ill feel more upbeat and post a better post

[Flotsam]

@ClockFace 

It’s good to hear you got some sleep, it is so vital. In times of crisis our minds try to keep us safe by being on high alert, but that makes sleep really hard.

You said something about getting your sister what she needs. Right now the hospital would have everything she NEEDS. You seem to be trying to meet all her wants as well as needs. Your needs are important, looking after yourself is important as well. I am not sure if you have been an inpatient at a mental health facility, but there will be other people for her to talk to, she will be doing small activities that can help her to understand what is going on. Let the nurses and doctors take some of the load off. You could maybe commit to seeing her every 3 days or so, get her to let you know anything she wants early so you don’t have to stress finding things. 

Your parents sound like they have their own struggles, it is really hard when we feel that those who should care most don’t seem to. I get it, my dad is an alcoholic and my mum was dealing with complex trauma and battled depression all her life. I am 54 and when I look back I can see that they were doing the best they could. They are flawed, struggling humans just like you and I. I see some of what you are talking about taking a toll on my husband right now, my mental illness is hurting him because he cares. It’s been almost a year since I felt like a functioning human and he is carrying the load. I acknowledge your struggles and how hard it is to care for others when we don’t feel strong ourselves.

[ClockFace]

@Flotsam 

Yeah I spent a month in  a facility around 10 years ago. I dont remember much because of how much medication I was on. I know my Mum was there pretty much everyday and I remember the eating and smoking areas. I didnt really come out my room much and the nurses kinda left me to myself.

At the moment she is in the medical ward, she has just been cleared medically so when a bed in psych ward comes available she will move. So at the moment she has few to actually talk to that gets it. Plus I am a little over protective of her, she has had so much trauma in her life, like Stephen King book trauma.

I am trying to take care of myself more, there just seems like so much to be done. If Im not dealing with my sister, Im cleaning the house or going to the doctors/having a procedure. I dont really get a lot of time to myself to look after myself. Its hard because so much of what I am doing, cancelling appointments for her, my doctors etc. all mean I am having to repeat what happened and its like I dunno, the pain is as real each time I speak about it as when it happened. 

If I could sit down and watch a movie without interuption, without having to deal with something, have to deal with my parents BS. Unbelievably my Mum is now getting taken to ER as she has had 8 falls in 2.5 days. I sorta left  that to Dad and he didnt  do anything about it so now I am enforcing it.

I get the parentals have issues too, so do I, it would be nice if they would step up a little bit and actually help but its like they have gotten to an age and decided not  to be parents anymore

[Flotsam]

 So much going on. This too shall pass but maybe not for a while by the sounds of things. I hope you can get some rest soon and that your families situation improves. 

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @ClockFace,

Sounds like a lot of emotions have caught up with you this morning - that can be a lot to process all at once. I get the `staying positive' for others approach, I've done it many times myself but it does getting exhausting after a while. You don't have to stay strong for everyone everyday, sometimes it's okay to pull back and just take care of you and your own needs.

Even you last line where you say sorry for the downer post - you don't have to be sorry at all. They are your true feelings and you should feel safe and okay to share them with us. We are here to support the real you and what you are really going through which is a lot.

Keep posting and calling the drop in service - this community is here to support you.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather

[ClockFace]

@FloatingFeather 

In my family neither my Dad or I are really permitted to be angry, depressed, in pain, disappointed, etc. Well we have those feelings we just cant express them, or atleast often or for long. Its kinda at the permission of my Mum and/or sister. So, Im not really good at processing them or expressing them. 

Being disappointed that my surgery was cancelled I was told "now you know how your sister feels". There are differences between what she was having and what I was having and Im not saying one was worse than the other but I know my sister would never be told thats how your brother feels.

My sister and Mum can have what ever emotions they want and the rest of it just have  to wear it but Dad and I have to control it.

I am pulling back, Ive tapered the txting today, I have spent some time watching Prime at the moment and chatting here. I have a GP visit to sort some stuff out with all this. But after that Ill go back to doing little of consequence, I do have to pack a bag for surgery tomorrow but I have pushed most everything else onto Dad who is reluctantly doing it, and needs regular "encouragement"

[FloatingFeather]

Hi @ClockFace,

I can only imagine how frustrating it might be for you and your dad not to be able to express your emotions.I does seem unfair that you and your dad don't have the same rights to express your feelings or right to speak your truth like your mum and your sister. I really hope that you can at least feel free to express your true feelings on the Forums. 

Being told `now you know how your sister feels' would of stung a bit I would think. Like you said your situation and that of your sister's is completely different so I'm wondering what is gained by comparing the two.

I am often told in my family that I have broad shoulders and can sit with a lot. I think it's more to do with the fact that I was raised to be this way and I didn't have a lot of choice because the others in my family seem to have greater needs or less ability to cope. I often feel not matter what is going on with me someone else is my family can trump it!

I hope all goes well with your surgery tomorrow and you get to prioritise yourself, at least for a while. It sounds like you could really do with a break yourself.

Warm wishes,

FloatingFeather 

[ClockFace]

@FloatingFeather 

My sister kinda got the same, she was a girl so the house was her domain, more so when Mum got sick.

Ive always been the weird, loner in the family, even by my own families take. If it wasnt that I was the screw up, I ended up with 2 buldging discs when I was like 21 and is probably when the Sacroilliac Joint Dysfunction started, so over 20 years ago. I had a lot of trouble finding work I could do, as I had mainly been in manual labour. That was a kinda failure in my families eyes as the men are supposed to work.

When I was like 18/19 I got into drugs and alcohol and my parents brought me home, again a screw up. Later in life after finding out my Dad had stage 4 Non-Hodkins Lymphoma I slipped back into drinking and had to go through rehab etc. again a screw up

I was diagnosed with Bipolar 2 w/ psychotic features about  10 years ago, I had a brief psychotic episode that was treated like a failure and I had somehow screwed up.

I stuggle with money, a lot of it is with good reason. My income doesnt meet my medical needs let alone normal expenses. So again a screw up

My sister is the one who has to hold the house together, hold the family together etc. Despite all her major missteps, primarily relationship wise, shes not a screw up, shes the glue which is 1/2 the reason she is where she is. 

I am the screw up, which is why I am where I am, but I dont understand why I am the one to care for my sister.

Parents are weird, the expectations they put on their children can be damaging and unrealistic but we can out grow them. Im still working on being the screw up because its so often pushed in my face.

[amber22]

Hey there @ClockFace 

Sorry to chime in here, but I just wanted to say that you are not a screw up at all. Although it may not feel like it, you're doing really well and I wanted to say that I'm proud of you. 

Sending lots of hugs, 

Amber22