Lived Experience Forum

[ClockFace]

Bitter is the only word I can think of but it is stronger than that. As many of you know I have had  a few migranes the last 2 days. Today I feel like absolute crap, pretty light sensitive. Kinda like its trying to have another migrane.

Many would also know that my sister had been placed under and ITO yesterday.

So, despite how I was feeling I organised a bag of clothes, she has a go bag but it needed refreshing. So I did that. That was an issue, because I did not allow her to determine what was put into the bag. In the 3 month hospitals stay it was an almost daily occurrance that we would be searching for clothing for her, she wanted this jumper and that pair of pants etc. Sometimes it was an hour or more searching. Well not this time around, she gets what I find and thats it.

By the time I got to the hospital they had decided that she should be discharged so she can go and have a surgery that had been planned today.

Last night when the ITO had been written the GP said, "No surgery" so I sent an email to her surgeon and told him what had happened along with her DBT psychologist.

The DBT lady rang this morning and was going to write to the hospital to encourage strongly that she be held as long as possible. They clearly didnt listen.

So I took my sister to the hospital for the surgery, I got 20 min away and got called back because it was cancelled. The first hospital had said it was back on, so did the receptionist. Im comming back and I got a message saying "I told you not to tell him" so my fault that she cant have it. She shouldnt have it not in her mental state anyhow.

By this stage Ive been driving for around 4 hours and in a fair amount of pain. Home is 45 min drive away, we are on our way and my sister asks can we go get the mail, an additional 40min to the trip so It was a no. Then when can we go to Kmart, I dont know. Mind you the trip has been almost silent other than that.

We get home and I can finally pee, I dont do most public toilets they are beyond gross. There are a few I dont mind but still rather not. Anyhow we get home and my sister wants into the car, I hold the keys so I unlocked it but a little while later she came it fiddling around with our keys board, we on a farm and a family of 4 so there is a butt load of keys, neither Dad or I thought much of it, but she took the spare keys for my Dads car and took off.

We followed and found her in the other car. Dad took his keys and she was put in the car with me and I took her home. As we were leaving she tried to get out the car to go to another shop as the car was moving, leg out door and all. I grabbed her and yelled "Get back in the Fn Car". Other words were had but I should mention that the reason she cant drive is she often has double vision and has been told not to drive.

Heres where Im bitter. Firstly, she got an ITO yesterday. I spent the day with a migrane and listening to how my sister, someone I love more than any other person, explain how she no longer wanted to be alive. How she had plans, means and absolute desire. She had a stash of medication and a stash of lighters (self harm). Not once but repeatedly and with multiple people. Its really not an easy conversation to be apart of.

Secondly, at no time in the last few months has my sister shown any appreciation for what Ive been doing. She has lent me money to pay for fuel, drinks, smoke (I know) and drinks etc for her. Yes lent I have to pay all this back. She hasnt said thankyou for driving her around everywhere, I primarily paying for the fuel. Nothing for the talks, making myself available 24/7, no thanks for taking on her burden and being the one she confides in constantly.

Thirdly, no matter how sick or tired I am I must be at her beck and call and saying no is not an option.

No I get told how I did the wrong thing all the time, how I am the bad buy, Im shit on constantly. When I say no to something, something like taking Dads car happens, its like Ill show you. Then its being shit on again.

Things are certainly going to change, she has pushed me too far this time. I might go into town tomorrow (probably I need smokes) but it will be at a time I like to go (early morning). Im not taking her into Kmart time and time again. Im not rushing here and there for her. Im not playing her games.

I dont know what to do about the suicidal stuff, Im sick of being scared constantly. Im sick of feeling bullied by my sister while all the while doing all I can to ensure her safety. I think today actually did it, I think Im burnt out and I dont know where to go from here cause someone has to keep looking out for my sister, but I think it will be making sure she stays alive, not that she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants.

[tyme]

I'm so sorry to hear this has happened @ClockFace . 

It sounds like you have been doing all this for too long and be pushed too far.

I wish there were quick answers but I'm not sure there are.

I'd encourage you to really set some boundaries in place to protect yourself.

I'm sure @BPDSurvivor will be able to share their experiences with you.

At anytime you feel you want to speak to someone, feel free to phone our Drop-in line on 1800 187 263 or 1800RESPECT https://www.1800respect.org.au/

You deserve it. You are not alone.

[Former-Member]

You have been doing so much for your sister and it sounds like you are burned out. You need to look after yourself. Is it possible to erect some boundaries with your sister so she doesn't walk all over you? It must be so difficult to be in your position because on one hand you really care about your sister and want to be there for her, and on the other hand she is walking all over you and you are burned out as a result.

[SmilingGecko]

Hello @ClockFace here's a free meditation you can do quickly that will reverse your burnout and make you feel whole again.  I have read your message and am so deeply sorry you have to cope with all the serious things in your own life and also bear the burden of your sister. I'm convinced she doesn't mean it but you may have to stop giving in to her and setting some new boundaries.  In the meantime this meditation will reset you. I sense you are running on your default settings and are overwhelmed. This will change the momentum, and it works quickly and effectively. You can completely shift your state from whatever it is you’re feeling right now to feeling renewed and whole within yourself again.

https://activate.jaidevsingh.com/meditation-spring-system-reset-meditation-3-23/?utm_campaign=total-...

[Owlunar]

Hi @ClockFace 

I have been reading your posts over the last couple of days - I have chronic pain myself so I couldn't answer right away - I do know how draining it is - how tough - I am sure most people don't understand the devastation of having the pain, disability and financial drain that goes with all of this - I do though and I really care about that.

Your sister - and your parents seem unable to help for their own health reasons - so you seem to be stuck with that - and it is really hard - I am glad I have not had to deal with someone dragging so hard - but I do know what it's like to get burned out.

And you are - you need time to yourself to care for yourself - and your sister is ill - obviously - the only thing that will work and it is not at all easy - and that is tough love. She needs to be given as much of your time resources, money, whatever - then told that's enough - and carry that through.

I guess if she was stuck in a hospital and told she was discharged but no one could collect her that would be a different story - it is rather confusing that she is to be admitted and then not and then yes - and again no. It could be she is being a problem for the hospital as well and as her carer - you somehow have to make sure people understand your resources are limited. Your own health appears to be seriously at risk, and I can see you need to care for yourself too - and you need to do that first because if you don't care for yourself - you are not in a place to care for your sister.

It's really important to somehow stop people from taking advantage of you - you are a worthwhile person even if you can't see it yourself - and you have been doing a mammoth task - few people would be as kind and deal with so much as you are doing at the moment.

I do understand - I had a deeply troubled child - a teenager - he was getting into more and more trouble - I had to deal with him with tough love - and say "No" often. I can tell you this doesn't always come to a good end - but such an end is the choice of the person who needs to hear "No" and - literally - behave with common decency.

I am positive you will treat your sister with decency to see she is well cared for - also I hope you can make sure she stops taking such extents of unreasonable demands - that's when you have to tell her that's enough.

it is so hard for you - I understand - I wish your family the best knowing this will be hard to achieve - you need to care for yourself first otherwise you really will not be able to care for your sister.

Sending my best thoughts and understanding.

Owlunar

[ClockFace]

@Owlunar @SmilingGecko @Former-Member @tyme 

Yeah I have decided the No word is coming out a lot more often. Things like going into town after 10am isnt happening (lots of cars and people trigger my anxiety. I normally go at like 7am). Im not driving to the city constantly etc. again, cars/people bad. I think that is causing my delusions as well. 

I did say no to her today on the way home from hospital, primarily as I wasnt feeling well (multiple migranes over 2 days just left me a bit I dunno not myself) Well that ended up with my sister stealing my Dads car and going into town herself. She isnt to be driving as she has regular double vision. That to me was just a kick in the u know whats to me that you say no to me, no I do what I want. 

There was a fair tounge lashing when we found her (Dad and I), tounge lashing from me, Dad wont speak to her. She then attempted to exit the car while we were driving because I wouldnt stop to let her  in another store, that resulted in me grabbing her jumper and again a tounge lashing, I was MAD at that point.

Rang SANE when I get home, only to find my sister passed out from taking lots of medication. So Ambo etc

If she thinks thats going to stop me saying no she is mistaken, theres going to be a lot more my way about things. Im rapidly losing the little mind I have and I cant afford to. There is going to be a lot more self care for me than I have been doing over the past several months.

I have even handed over going down to the hospital tomorrow to my Dad so I can have a day out.

[Owlunar]

Thanks for your reply @ClockFace  - 

I know it's going to be hard to insist that your sister takes some responsibility. I will support you in saying "No" and she needs to learn to hear. Tongue lashing isn't on - tough I know - can you walk away at least some of the time?

I know your sister is mentally ill - that's a reason but not an excuse for bad behaviour. I have had a long life already and learned so much about maintaining our boundaries. Your sister needs to learn that too - it's really hard - I know.

About your sister driving your father's car - this is actually breaking the law - she could be charged with dangerous driving while vision impaired even if she does have a licence. I know people do drive while impaired - I imagine they are so impaired they don't realise how dangerous it is - oh sheesh - how do you tell her that? 

However - I am so glad you are going to take care of yourself and let your Dad drive her tomorrow anyway - and take care of yourself - 

Still caring

Owlunar.

[BPDSurvivor]

How are you @ClockFace ?

[ClockFace]

@BPDSurvivor 

Yeah Im doing better thanks. I saw her and she said she appreciated everything Im doing. Currently pretty focused on surgery today. Hopefully it goes ahead this time.