Bitter is the only word I can think of but it is stronger than that. As many of you know I have had  a few migranes the last 2 days. Today I feel like absolute crap, pretty light sensitive. Kinda like its trying to have another migrane.

 

Many would also know that my sister had been placed under and ITO yesterday.

 

So, despite how I was feeling I organised a bag of clothes, she has a go bag but it needed refreshing. So I did that. That was an issue, because I did not allow her to determine what was put into the bag. In the 3 month hospitals stay it was an almost daily occurrance that we would be searching for clothing for her, she wanted this jumper and that pair of pants etc. Sometimes it was an hour or more searching. Well not this time around, she gets what I find and thats it.

 

By the time I got to the hospital they had decided that she should be discharged so she can go and have a surgery that had been planned today.

 

Last night when the ITO had been written the GP said, "No surgery" so I sent an email to her surgeon and told him what had happened along with her DBT psychologist.

 

The DBT lady rang this morning and was going to write to the hospital to encourage strongly that she be held as long as possible. They clearly didnt listen.

 

So I took my sister to the hospital for the surgery, I got 20 min away and got called back because it was cancelled. The first hospital had said it was back on, so did the receptionist. Im comming back and I got a message saying "I told you not to tell him" so my fault that she cant have it. She shouldnt have it not in her mental state anyhow.

 

By this stage Ive been driving for around 4 hours and in a fair amount of pain. Home is 45 min drive away, we are on our way and my sister asks can we go get the mail, an additional 40min to the trip so It was a no. Then when can we go to Kmart, I dont know. Mind you the trip has been almost silent other than that.

 

We get home and I can finally pee, I dont do most public toilets they are beyond gross. There are a few I dont mind but still rather not. Anyhow we get home and my sister wants into the car, I hold the keys so I unlocked it but a little while later she came it fiddling around with our keys board, we on a farm and a family of 4 so there is a butt load of keys, neither Dad or I thought much of it, but she took the spare keys for my Dads car and took off.

 

We followed and found her in the other car. Dad took his keys and she was put in the car with me and I took her home. As we were leaving she tried to get out the car to go to another shop as the car was moving, leg out door and all. I grabbed her and yelled "Get back in the Fn Car". Other words were had but I should mention that the reason she cant drive is she often has double vision and has been told not to drive.

 

Heres where Im bitter. Firstly, she got an ITO yesterday. I spent the day with a migrane and listening to how my sister, someone I love more than any other person, explain how she no longer wanted to be alive. How she had plans, means and absolute desire. She had a stash of medication and a stash of lighters (self harm). Not once but repeatedly and with multiple people. Its really not an easy conversation to be apart of.

 

Secondly, at no time in the last few months has my sister shown any appreciation for what Ive been doing. She has lent me money to pay for fuel, drinks, smoke (I know) and drinks etc for her. Yes lent I have to pay all this back. She hasnt said thankyou for driving her around everywhere, I primarily paying for the fuel. Nothing for the talks, making myself available 24/7, no thanks for taking on her burden and being the one she confides in constantly.

 

Thirdly, no matter how sick or tired I am I must be at her beck and call and saying no is not an option.

 

No I get told how I did the wrong thing all the time, how I am the bad buy, Im shit on constantly. When I say no to something, something like taking Dads car happens, its like Ill show you. Then its being shit on again.

 

Things are certainly going to change, she has pushed me too far this time. I might go into town tomorrow (probably I need smokes) but it will be at a time I like to go (early morning). Im not taking her into Kmart time and time again. Im not rushing here and there for her. Im not playing her games.

 

I dont know what to do about the suicidal stuff, Im sick of being scared constantly. Im sick of feeling bullied by my sister while all the while doing all I can to ensure her safety. I think today actually did it, I think Im burnt out and I dont know where to go from here cause someone has to keep looking out for my sister, but I think it will be making sure she stays alive, not that she can do whatever she wants whenever she wants.