What if the person does not recognise they need help?
Hi I am new here so not sure how it works. My son seems to absolutely hate me. Blames me for everything, not supporting him, not listening to him etc etc. He is now 30 and spent most of his high school years either in detention or suspended. He went down the drink driving, drug path, stealing from me, my bank account, any jewelry anything he could get his hands on. He stole from his grandparents, brother to buy pot and junk food. He has not been able to hold a job since he left school - 6 months seems to be max. After that he always finds something or someone to blame things on and cause a scene until he is let go. He seemed to clean up his act from about age 20, found the gym and gave up pot but slowly over the years these traits and patterns of behavior seem to be on a roller coaster. Now he doesnt return texts or calls, he doesnt show up to weddings, engagements, birthdays and then blames everyone for not reaching out to him when he needed them. He has cut off all his friends of 25 years, his brother, his father, his cousins and now me. He lives with me but wont talk to me. He lives like a pig in his room with dirty dishes, clothes all over the floor, smokes pot in his room, no sheets on the bed, rubbish everywhere. I have asked him to move out to make him responsible, but he says he wants to stay here to make me miserable, he refers to me by first name because I dont deserve to be "mum". It is gut wrenching.
He was born a blue baby and needed resuscitation, had lots of learning problems but overall a very happy baby and child. We are a very social family with friends and family. He was a star soccer play and any sport he tried. Our home had an open door policy where his friends would often stay over for days. His brother doesnt understand and says that he couldnt of asked for a better mother. I have many friends for 30, 40 and even 50 years and he keeps telling me that they will work me out one day just like he did. He recently said he is having dark thoughts so I am very concerned for his well being and possibly others. Ive tried everything to get him to talk to someone but he thinks Im the one that needs help then abuses me and slams the door in my face.
Does anyone relate to this at all either as a parent or the child experiencing these issues?
Re: What if the person does not recognise they need help?
Welcome to the forums @OutofIdeas . I can hear that you are certainly out of ideas in knowing what to do with the challenges you are facing.
Looking at it, he is 30. It sounds like you've given him a long rope. What sort of boundaries do you have in place for him? That is, does he pay rent/board? Does he contribute to bills? Does he help around the house?
Unfortunately, whilst a person is 'comfortable' at home and with what they have, it is less likely they will realise what they are experiencing is a 'problem'. And if they don't realise it is a problem, then there is no reason to find a solution.
At the moment, it sounds like the 'everyone-else-is-the-problem' attitude?
And yes, drugs can affect the brain and one's ability to see someone else's perspective. I can see he needs help. You can see he needs help. But can he see he needs help?
At this stage, it's about looking after you. You are most important.
What an extremely difficult and heartbreaking situation to be in. It's hard to imagine doing much more for your son. I agree with @tyme that there is a need for some boundaries in this situation. It may even be that these boundaries need to be set, to protect yourself and your own mental health. The pattern of abusive behavior and blaming everyone else, added to his refusal to take any responsibility means it's hard to see how it helps him by allowing him to keep behaving like this without placing some boundaries.
It may seem cruel to tell him to move out, but he needs to learn to take some responsibility to start to help himself. He needs to learn that his abusive behaviour is unacceptable. If he starts to get abusive, refuse to engage and just walk away. Let him know you wont be drawn into this cycle any more. I guess it's a bit like leaving a toddler having a tantrum to themselves to help them to learn that it's pointless to kick and scream until they get what they want.
I know you said he wont seek any support, but you could look for some support in your area for yourself. Some kind of family or parental support service possibly. You may get some support for yourself and some advice on what to do there.
It sounds like he may have quite a few issues, so it maybe be something you just can't do yourself. There just may be no amount of love and reasoning that will work. Telling him that you love him, but that you will no longer let him treat you like he has been, while also letting him know that if he ever wants help you're there for him.
If he is mentioning dark thoughts, then all you can do is urge him to talk to someone. Help him find that someone if he wants, but let him know that you can't be the only support for something like this. If you think that any of these thoughts need to be taken seriously, that they are putting him or someone else in danger then some kind of professional intervention is probably necessary. Even if you contact them for some advice and take it from there.
If someone refuses help, there's not much we can do. In the meantime all we can do is take care of ourselves so that we are in a position to support them as best we can when and if they change their mind.
Re: What if the person does not recognise they need help?
I have given him a long rope I’ve overcompensated. I have lots of regrets. Regarding boundaries, I have set them but he ignores them he won’t pay board because I said once when he was younger that I’d rather he “save his money and get his feet on the ground” so he is using that and saying I said it so he is not going to give it to me now. Smoking and especially pot he just does it and ignores me. The smell of it is trigger for me from the trauma he caused me 10 years ago when I literally had a breakdown and needed urgent medical intervention. I do not cook or shop or do his laundry anymore. Other than sell my home and move out I do not know what to do to give hime a wake up call. I just want him to wake up.
Re: What if the person does not recognise they need help?
Im Ok today thank you Tyme. Same as every other day trying to go through the motions. Thank you for asking. Im sitting exams today so trying to stay focused.
I really think he's had more than enough time and space to 'get his feet on the ground'. You gave him the long rope because you love him and care for him and want the best for him. Even taking yourself out of the equation (you shouldn't, as that is vitally important) this current situation is not helping him and is probably just making things worse... and harder to get himself out of. I guess you're sort of in the 'being cruel to be kind' territory now.
Don't let it impact any decisions now on what you've said before. That would come into it, if he at least tried to hold up his end of the deal. Setting boundaries isn't easy for most of us, but it's way easier than enforcing them. He needs to know that if he can't respect the boundaries you lay down then there's consequences. And that consequence could be that he needs to move out! If he see's you've had enough and are really serious this time, it may force him to at least bend a little. It would be a start.
Good luck with your exams today. I hope you can keep yourself focused on them today and do well.
