Lived Experience Forum

[Sarzie]

Thank you all so much for sharing as you are. You’re embodying the PANDA week message of “Let’s Get Real”!

For our next discussion point:

Not many people expect to feel a loss of identity when they become parents. It can be very difficult to adjust to how massively our life changes and our sense of self along with it. It isn’t easy being real about not knowing who we are or how we fit in anymore.

Did you feel this way too, and if so, what helped you “find yourself” again? What parts of you changed for the better (or for the worse!)?

[eth]

@Julia2019  I had a very supportive baby clinic nurse and she got me into a PND support group where I met a couple of other local single mums and we became very supportive friends for each other.  I also had stays in both Tresillian and Karitane mothercraft hospitals that really helped with establishing sleep and feeding routines that we struggled with so that helped me be a little more confident with  the basics.

But my child had delayed development in many ways and it felt like everyone wanted to get their hands on her.

In some ways the early intervention program and the Royal Blind Society were helpful, but at the same time I felt really judged by them.  Because of not knowing my high times were from bipolar 1, I only presented to Drs when I was depressed and so the cycle of trying 1 antidepressant after another began.  I also had a long court battle with the doctor responsible for her prematurity so really there wasn't much that gave me relief other than the high cycles of bipolar.

[Shaz51]

what helped you “find yourself” again?, ammmmm @Sarzie , @Lauz , @eth , @Owlunar , @Julia2019  I am still finding myself again

[Teej]

That is a tricky question @Sarzie . Identity and former social life changed a great deal. I was one of the first of my friends to have children. It changed so much. I also had three children in 25 months so didn’t breathe much. 

I do remember leaving the three of them all under three with their father to go camping with friends for a weekend. That helped recharge and find 'myself' a bit at that time. 

[eth]

Thanks @Owlunar   and I to you xx

@

[Teej]

It sounds like such a complex time @eth . I have no words except to say you have done an amazing job with so many complexities. And @Owlunar too.

[Julia2019]

Hi @Owlunar 

Thanks for highlighting how different your experiences have been with bringing your two children into the family.

Often we expect that the second time we become parents we will be more prepared.

This is often not the case and it can be really difficult to adjust to the changing family dynamic.

Those early expereinces of parenting, although years ago, can remain with us.

[Jane06]

I was 26 when I had my boy and it was an unplanned pregnancy. I had always worked since I was 13yrs old. So going on Mat leave I felt completely lost. I had been working as a nurse full time of the past 6 years. I was a nurse that’s who I was. So stopping work I felt lost. Who am I now? I can’t be just a Mum. And not feeling like being a mum came naturally at all just made those feelings stronger. 

I am now picking up a few nursing shifts here and there and it is a really nice break to feel like ‘me’ again 

[eth]

@Sarzie  I was completely swamped and absolutely everything else in my life faded into non-existence.  So definitely lost my sense of identity beyond being a mother.  What helped me get some of me back was starting to give massages again when my child was 4 (that was my profession before bub came).  I specialized (and gave a big discount to) with mum's at home - I looked after the kids and did the massage at the same time, and as I freelanced I could totally choose how many hours and when I worked.  Some weeks only 1 or 2, other weeks 10 or more.  Once my child was in pre-school I also had a part-time medical secretarial job which went from 2 to 4 days a week over a couple of years.  I did occasionally get told it was irresponsible of me to work when I had a disabled child, but I was so much healthier and more balanced for doing it.

[Sarzie]

It’s great that you had a supportive nurse @eth who connected you with a support group. I found it really helpful to connect with other mums too. Making new friendships was part of finding myself again. Getting back into activities or interests you had pre-baby is a great way to find a sense of yourself again. And what a lovely way to do it through massage.

I found it difficult to stop work and study @Jane06, and can understand feelings of loss that can come with changing roles. It's great to hear you're finding a sense of yourself again.