Lived Experience Forum

[FraniB]

I am 50 years old - my partner is 6 years younger than me. We are not married but have been together/engaged for almost 23 years.

He has a "brother" who is technically his uncle as my partner was brought up by his grandparents. His brother is in mid 50s. The brother did 15 years inside (got out in 2011) & also has mental issues/conditions that were never diagnosed as a child/young adult. He is also a heavy pot user but due to parole conditions smokes/vapes the synthetic version which I feel/believe is far worse than the natural version especially considering he suffers from many mental conditions.

He has the mental age/coping skills of what seems like someone in their late teens. He doesn't deal well with change & day to day life - he makes all 1st world problems like they are 3rd world problems. He is constantly paranoid and believes in conspiracy theories - googled it on the internet so therefore it must be real. He also has a huge god complex and also a hypochondriac - has a cold, takes himself to the hospital and thinks he is dying.

Due to either location, bridges burnt with other immediate family (with bro-in-law) and lack of financial capacity there are no other family able to help. My partner has a sense of obligation (seems to be the only one in his family) to help his brother even moreso since their (grand) mother passed. I do have to give my partner credit as when we first met - he was constantly helping his brother - with no limits on how it would affect me, him or our relationship in the present or furure. Over the 23 years he has progressively set limits & boundaries with his brother. I struggle with the responsibility & affect it has on me/us daily - waiting for the next call when there is some unnecessary (1st world) drama or wanting something from us - emotionally, mentally, physically, financially. He is a constant drain and energy sapping and will be to the day he is no longer on this earth.

The only person I could talk (openly) to was my (ex) sister in law (who was married to other brother in law). She is no longer around and I don't want to burden my partner's sister as she has her own stuff to deal with (as her partner was killed by her brother who has the mental health issues). The brother in law would have no idea of what he is doing is affecting others. Though saying that, if he knew how I felt he would probably use this to his advantage to drive a wedge between my partner & I (which he has tried to do by telling lies and having grand ideas that if I wasn't in the picture that he would be better off or living with my partner). My partner has many times over the years tried to talk to his brother bout various things to help/make him understand but nothing seems to sink in. The brother keeps making the same mistakes over & over again - he never learns and never changes. He has very little life skills. 

I am feeling very alone, frustrated & confused. I don't know what to do, say or how to cope with this situation anymore. I just want to scream and lash out at the brother in law but it would just be pointless and a waste of my time as it would just fall on deaf ears. I have never met someone who is so self-entitled, selfish, ungrateful and inconsiderate - cleary a narcissist. The brother is our best friend when he needs us but always remember the 1 time we weren't able to help him but forgets the 1 million times we have helped him. 

My partner is very aware of how I feel to the point that if he brings up the brother's name or shares something with me that has happened with/to the brother, he only needs to look at my face. Over the years, I have learned to pick my battles and my words wisely. I am happy to have my partner vent but have learned when to contribute or when to just listen. As it has been pointed out to me (by my partner), I don't need to say anything to my partner as he is already feeling/thinking the same and he doesn't need to be reminded or have it reconfirmed about what his brother is doing and is fully aware how it affects me/us/him. As I said above, this will be never ending until the day the brother is no longer here on this earth.

[DD_]

Sorry to hear this, he sounds like a real burden and it must be hard to talk to your partner but you should try to let them know how you feel, it will help you feel less alone if nothing else.

[chibam]

@FraniBSorry to hear about your troubles.

At least it sounds like your partner is on the same page as you, although bound by a sense of obligation. (That's not always a bad thing, though it is often tiresome for the bearer and anyone who sympathizes with them.)

That's encouraging, because it suggests that you two can build a common understanding of the problem and work together towards the most agreeable solution.

I agree with @DD_ ; I think that tactfully discussing your anguish about this with your partner sounds like a good first step.

[FraniB]

Thank you for your support and words - very much appreciated. My partner is very aware of and understands how I feel (especially after 23 years) - my partner still feels he has the sole duty of care as there is no one else in the family who can or is willing to help. The rest of the family either don't have the mental or financial capacity or live locally to be able to help and therefore the sole responsibility rests on my partner's shoulders.

[FraniB]

Thank you for support and words - very much appreciated. Yes my partner is on the same page but like you say bound by a sense of obligation. I would have given up by now if I was my partner because for all that we have done, there is very little thanks or gratefulness from the brother (in-law) - he is quick to forget all that we have done for him especially when there is the 1 time we aren't able to help him. He is our best friend when he needs us and we are his worst enemy when we can't. You hit the nail on the head with regards to ".....it is often tiresome for the bearer (my partner) and those connected to the bearer (me)." It is wearing us both down to the point we are becoming less tolerant and patient - we are tired and we are exhausted - we have little or nothing left to give and it is creating tension/gap between my partner & I. Thankyou