Lived Experience Forum

[Historylover]

I just think it sad that alcohol has become such a staple in our society.  I must admit though, that if I was dining with friends in their home or in a restaurant, I may partake of a glass or two of wine.  Would it be by choice or the need to fit in?  I will have to wait and see. 

As for being happy in my own company - that has passed.  It has been totally necessary, but has served its purpose and I now crave good company, good conversation and a good time.  I want to laugh again.  I want to revel in others' company.  I have adjustments to make as I have only had myself to please for such a long time.  

I haven't gone off on a different tangent here @Owlunar.  I'm just trying to find how to be social without compromising my values or being seen as a wowser.  Finding the middle ground.  Dipping my toes in the water.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Historylover 

You wrote

 I now crave good company, good conversation and a good time.  I want to laugh again.  I want to revel in others' company.  

Of course you do - you have been alone by choice for a long time and now you want to enjoy yourself - I had what I call a second adolescence when I separated from my husband. It was fantastic - I enjoyed this for years - you need to experience such fun.

I getting on in years - my last birthday seems really old - I am okay with it. Although I didn't have any freedom until I as separated I made the most of it when the time came - and I have pretty good memories. When I travel (in Australia) I often attach myself to groups of people having tours and join them - doing no harm as this happens in a public place and no one realises that I am not one of them. I have enjoyed the conversations with people all over the world. Of course I can't travel now but I am comfortable in my own skin - I am feeling more than slightly cheesed-off by Melbourne's 5th lock-down starting to night though.

I can tell you are dipping your toes in the water - I had a very active life during my middle years - I don't know how to find your middle ground though - I tend to enjoy the company of people involved in my life - but I have left my social life behine

We are all unique and need to find our own way. It is your right not to drink and also your right not to be seen as a wowser. I hope you find a group or a few people. This is tough during a pandemic

Keep going HistoryLover - I wish you the best and really hope for you - that your find like-minded people

Dec

[Historylover]

@Owlunar   I penned your reply post yesterday but my computer was continually wiping my posts.  I couldn't keep recomposing as I was becoming increasingly annoyed.  (It just did it again.)  I am not sure if it is my computer or the position I am working in - sitting sideways against the wall, coping with carpal tunnel syndrome in my left hand which worsens in certain situations, but it has been freezing a lot lately and perhaps I will have to get a new one.  That's the trouble when you live alone - you have to work everything out for yourself.  At least we learn independence.

I am renting here and recently was promised a new kitchen, painting and carpet.  The work finally started on Wednesday and my kitchen was removed the same day.  Then we went into lockdown again and progress has stopped for another 5 days.  The kitchen is gone and all of my kitchen, living and dining equipment is in the middle of my living/dining area.  I have to sustain myself on take-aways.  I can't find anything.  It will be nice to have a refreshed unit when it's done.  I am looking forward to getting really organized.

I am pleased you enjoyed a second adolescence when your marriage ended.  I went into self-discovery mode.  Studying - of which you clearly have done much yourself, I hadn't and had to do a lot of catch up, learning new skills and learning about life.  It was a good period despite the trauma of it all.

You're very cheeky joining in on tours!!   I think you are a bit of a devil, @Owlunar.

Yes, we are all getting older aren't we?  And it's not like I expected.  I don't feel much different and I am a whole lot wiser than I was in my younger years.  It's alright.

I'm still tossing around whether I'd consider taking a wine or two in the right situation, but I probably won't have to worry.  I don't think I'll ever get a social life.

This is being continually wiped again so I will post this before it all wipes and make a second page.

[Historylover]

@Owlunar  As I was saying, when my family broke down, I went into self-discovery mode.  I studied - of which you had obviously done much yourself, I hadn't and had to do a lot of catch up, I taught myself a lot of new skills, I learnt to manage money so that I could travel and I saw a bit of the world which I would never have done in my marriage.  I also moved off my usual radio channel and discovered classical music and opera - and I have never moved away from it since.  It is the background to my life.

Ever since, I have wanted to attend an opera but probably will never get the opportunity to.  I have attended one oratorio and my feet didn't touch the ground all the way home.  It was fabulous!

Anyway, this is continuing to wipe and I must post before it does it again.

You are in Melbourne aren't you @Owlunar?  

[Owlunar]

Yes -  I am in Melbourne @Historylover  - and it has taken 5 lock-downs for me to start seething - I am not a placid person either

I have been to the opera once - Cosi van Tutti - and I also attended Greek drama - The Trojan Women and Medea - these are truly high-points in my memory. I also drove all over Victoria and Tasmania - went to university - yes and did so many other things it is fantastic to have done them. I did grasp the day - I had company for some of these things - and there were many things - I often went alone though.

I have searched through my mind as to why I tend to be so solitary - I have discovered so much about myself during the pandemic. My family moved us around during my childhood and I never thought to keep up with past friends - they were often on the other side of the city - then I worked in the city for years - this does not engender a tendency to build long-term relationships in me though I am usually friendly with the people in my day to day life. I guess I am sometimes extroverted and sometimes introverted and this is okay with me. I have been married and I had a long term relationship and neither was long-term satisfactory - sad rather than bad - and the past is exactly there - in the past

But I understand that other people are not always comfortable with the circumstances life gives them. You would like better. I am over-the-hill is years now - too many birthdays I have bee told by my pain specialist - this can cause arthritis. Life is something I can accept - but then - I am okay with it -  and I know you are not after suggestions - 

Possibly it would be good for you - helpful - if people just accepted you as you are. I can do that. I don't try and change people - if they want to they will eventually get there by themselves. 

It must be scary in a world where you have learned through experience not to trust people - I have thought about your posts on another thread - still thinking. What am I finding? This is something I will be thinking about for however long it takes

I think a leap of faith is needed - and leaps of faith are not easy. You have been psychologically mauled by an unethical therapist and there are few things that can be seriously worse.

Still thinking - what a puzzle though

Dec

[Historylover]

I am quite seething too @Owlunar  It wouldn't be so bad if my unit wasn't also in chaos from the started, but now delayed, refurbishment.  I don't like the thought of extended lock down without a kitchen.  

So cold in Melbourne today and I have yet to go out for food - and my ordered new computer.  I've never done a click and collect before.  I don't know how that will affect my logging on here.  

You've led a good life, and derived great enjoyment from it with one thing and another.  So have I really.  I have my ex-psychiatrist to thank for my achievements which I would not have achieved otherwise.  He made me achieve more that I could have ever dreamed.  I just don't understand him though, and wish this had all turned out as it was planned.  It would have been consolation for all the bad things which have happened in my life, and restored my family which is what I did it all for.  Silly me.

I'll have to close for the moment.  I'm feeling maudlin and don't want to ruin your day too.

Take care.  I send my best wishes.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Historylover 

Seething yes - about your kitchen - and the threat of a long term lockdown - that has to be really horrible

A really and truly horrible thought - to me that would be far worse that being lock-down interstate or locked out of  Victoria - which is why I am not travelling atm

Your computer should have been sold with a programme - you will most likely be able to log in to the website. I hope you have a smart phone so you can send a message in case there is a problem - I sincerely hope it all works out for you

It's okay to post what you are feeling here. I have had a good life yes - one that has been worth my time that's for sure. I have had my moments though - I won't go into them now - I can certainly related to many of the things you have posted here - I identify with you

Dec

[Historylover]

I know you have had some difficult times, @Owlunar.  That's why we are all on this forum, isn't it?  So much is left unsaid in these posts.  At least, we have had some of the good times, too.  Unfortunately I wasn't able to share mine with my family, and I guess that's why I was able to have had any at all.  

Where have you been overseas?  I tracked my ancestral path to England and Scotland, then on a later trip to Germany which included a little of Spain and France, and the next trip was to China.  Three trips there and later to Italy - Rome, Florence, Venice and Naples.  It made me feel as if I had also got some of life's food things too.  'Everyone' seems to have travelled considerably these days.  We are so lucky to live in days of fast travel.  All except for Italy, I did by scraping together from my pension.  I travelled alone which has its pros and cons.  Did what I liked, when I liked but had no-one to share it with.  I now haven't had a holiday since 2003 and probably won't be getting any more.  Not even here and I could really do with a change.  I guess that's why my renovation is going to be so nice - when it happens.

Not having a kitchen is going to be difficult.  I hope the threat of a longer lock down doesn't eventuate.  Surely this should come under emergency services.  I usually eat to ease my distress, so had forgotten the experience of actual hunger, but this situation is giving me the opportunity to remember the feeling.  Only a few days so far.

I've bought a new laptop and am soon to connect it.  Mine is a quite a few years old - perhaps up to 5 or 8.  I am looking forward to a clean slate.  

Best wishes, Historylover.

[Owlunar]

Hi @Historylover 

Yes - I have indeed had my moments - I have written my story here but I can give you the brief version.

My son was a very confused person - he took his life when he was 16 - 35 years ago yesterday. It was a strange day yesterday - grief is a strange thing - it can go away for months - I have two days a year when it really bites - his anniversary and his adoption date. I can feel fragile during the early part of winter - it's getting easier as the years pass - this year I had more ordinary life-issues to trip me up. Normally I travel interstate during this time of  year but of course for the last two years I haven't been able to because of the pandemic.

And it is disappointing for so many people - I don't think I will ever get overseas now. I have a badly degraded shoulder and two torn tendons there - I am having fluid replacement injection to replace the cartilage - my own plasma is used to create stem-cells. It seems to be working

It's not something I want to take overseas though - the medication I take for it is highly controlled and it could be problematic in other countries so I really don't want to risk it

I wasn't in a place to travel while I was married - my ex had trouble getting up in the morning and lost his job often. I couldn't leave my son unattended so work was difficult. When I could I worked for agencies - many of my temporary employers wanted me to stay but I had to decline. After my son died I did work full time. Long story short - I have the wherewithal to travel now and I have been up and down the east coast several times in the last few years. I feel really crimped now with the lock-downs, lock-outs, restrictions, quarantines and the virus itself. The mask is a bother though I don't mind - my glasses fog up and I feel asthmatic.

Enough of that. I had a beautiful cat for 15 wonderful years - when I started to travel my daughter would come in and feed her. The cat eventually died and I miss her. During the pandemic I have thought of getting another cat - but I injured my shoulder again last year and the litter tray was always a problem with my bad back

So I haven't been overseas - I have wanted to go to England to see my grandfather's war records - I was able to find my Australian grandfather's records at the War Memorial in Canberra. Gee - my grandmother told us some stories - ouch - I guess the thought of the internet was something that never occurred to her,

My family is British - my father's family was English - as was Dad - and I am a British subject as well as Australian - my mother's family immigrated here from Northern Ireland in different families - somehow all getting here eventually. I have German Jewish ancestors too - which I find interesting. Other members of my family have done some Family Tree research - and they can - I am sorta itchy about searching - interested in what my sibs find

I have been estranged from my family for years  now - lots of reasons - I do relate to what you are saying about how you feel. It's a case of getting on with our own lifes I think - after all - people will be who they are and if we clash - if things become toxic - as isolating as it can be it is better for me anyway - to make my own way

I hope you get your kitchen finished soon - for a moment I was sitting here thinking how irritable I would be in your position. For some many reasons I really hope the Victorian lock-down ceases on Tuesday night - for your sake as well

It is so interesting posting with you

Dec

[Historylover]

Well @Owlunar - here I am with my new laptop.  I have been craving a disentangled computer for a very long time.  I try to keep my input to a minimum because I am the one who has to disentangle it if I get in a mess. 

Interesting.  I have been trying to work without a mouse but it is so slow!  Old mouse now engaged and I seem to be on my way.  Didn't even come with a mouse!  Every year, less and less is provided.  Same with security.  Now all I have to do is get it installed.  But I'm busy here and can't tear myself away from fun for the more mundane tasks.

It's amazing how many pitfalls there are to procedures which should be straight forward!  I had to ring my internet provider for assistance, and after a considerable amount of effort we sorted it out.  These young folk in that role are so very patient and polite and it is a pleasure to deal with them.  

Yes, you have mentioned your problematic shoulder.  Must be quite a handicap.  I don't have any serious physical handicaps, but the new carpal tunnel syndrome is rather annoying.  I just work through the numbness and can feel it worsening as I work, but I just can't stop for rest.  Fun is too hard come by.  It comes and eases a little depending on my activity, but is mostly there in the background all the time.  Typing with one hand has been a necessity at times.  But I guess it's not a lot to complain about.  My overall health is tolerable.  I am under too much stress for a full recovery.  Most people think I am rather fit so my underlying health concerns mustn't be obvious.

Rather difficult to travel with luggage when you have a bad shoulder.  Such a lot of work going on to treat it.

Grief is terrible, isn't it?  I am very sorry to hear of your son's troubled life and loss.

My glasses are always fogging up too.  They say washing them in soapy water solves the problem, but I've never got around to trying it.

Do you know if your grandfather's war records are available?  Mine aren't and I was so disappointed.  He was in the Durham Light Infantry and I would have loved to read of his battalion's exploits.  He was shot and gassed, and I don't know how much he saw of the war.  It is said that he was being buried and someone saw his eye move.  Apparently a lot of war records were lost in the bombing of London, as I recall.  It's been quite a while since I researched.

It's a fascinating hobby.  Your're lucky to have sibs, Dec. I wish mine acted as such. I can't quite get if your sib-relationships exist or are toxic - or perhaps you are referring to wider kinship links. What a mess my family is in.  Breaks my heart.  All I wanted to do was to restore my birth and descendent families, and stop the deterioration in relationships. No-one else thought it important.  So it is what it is.

Must be quite a story to tell in your German-Jewish ancestry.  I am always hesitant to say I have German ancestry.  What a dreadful human event!  My ancestors came here in 1852 so had no involvement.  

Well, must sign off and attend to another reply.  Been great to spend this time with you.  Take care.